Stanswitch
by TweenisodeOrange
Summary: What if Stanley had been the one lost to the portal, and Stanford was left behind, trying to bring him back? Ford's task is only complicated by the demons of his past, both figurative and literal. A Gravity Falls AU
1. Newton's Third Law

_Author's Notes: Sooooo, I know this isn't a new chapter of Learning Heroics. (Hangs head in shame for a sec) but I've had this idea for a while and then other people were getting the same idea and I had to get it out while I was still kinda sorta ahead of the curb. Also a very talented person on tumblr showed interest and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to impress them._

 _This is a Gravity Falls AU idea where Stanley is the one who goes through the portal, and Stanford is left behind. No idea how long it's gonna be._

 **Chapter 1: Newton's 3rd Law**

With a shove, Stanford was airborne. The gravity anomalies had started. He was drifting towards the portal, out of control.

"Stanley! Stanley, help me!" Ford cried in a panic.

Stanley jumped up, grabbing his brother, but getting himself caught up in the gravity anomaly in the process. Ford knew in a millisecond that it was hopeless. The momentum of Stan's jump had only served to propel them towards the portal faster, and put a spin on their weightless motion. But then something happened that he hadn't expected. Stan pushed him away from the portal. Newton's Third Law dictated that an equal and opposite law pushed back on Stan.

Right into the portal.

"Stanford, wha'do I-" His brother's cry was cut off in a flash of light. An explosion rang out from the portal, throwing Ford to the ground. He got up almost immediately, whipping around to face the portal.

"Stanley…" He said hoarsely. He knew it was no good to call out. The portal had gone dark. "No… no, what have I done?" He whispered, voice shaking almost as badly as his body.

Stanley couldn't be gone, not like this! All those years Ford had been trying to bury the guilt of being the 'favorite child', the 'good son'. All those years holding a grudge over a moment of betrayal. He'd felt guilty about that too. Maybe things would have been different if he'd tried to talk some sense into his father that night. Or maybe that just would have gotten them _both_ thrown out. Maybe _that_ would have been better too.

Stanley was gone again, and it was Ford's fault.

He shot up from his self-pity. There was still hope, but the longer he waited, the slimmer the chances of Stan's survival. Ford ran to the controls, checking the settings at the time of the event. He wrote down the conditions and parameters exactly in the first volume of the journal. He'd have to find another way to hide it _after_ he brought Stan back.

Recalibrating the position of the transdimensional vortex would take time. But first things first: he would have to get more fuel.

* * *

The warehouse where Ford stored extra fuel for the portal was, out of necessity, a long way from his house. It wasn't a good idea to keep radioactive waste close to where one slept. Not that Ford slept much anymore.

He was lucky to have Stan's car. Normally he'd have to hire someone to shuttle fuel for him. He was quite sure he couldn't pay _anyone_ enough to transport toxic waste in this blizzard. Visibility was nil, and the winds were strong enough that he had trouble keeping the car going in a straight line.

By some miracle Ford reached the warehouse. He pulled the car up as close to the doors as he could. No need to spend any more time than necessary in that freezing wind. He briefly regretted setting so many locks on the door.

The inside of the building was as dark and cold as the outside, but at least the wind was gone. Ford grabbed a trolley, loaded on a few barrels of fuel, and wheeled it around to the door.

Only someone was standing in his way.

Ford felt his insides knot up. In his haste he'd forgotten his usual triple-check of the perimeter. Of course the one time he threw caution to the wind, he came to regret it in just a few minutes.

"We knew you'd have to come back here for more fuel sometime." The tall figure blocking the door said. He was draped in a long red robe, with an X-ed out eye emblazoned on the hood that covered his face.

"I don't have time for the Blind Eye tonight! Step aside!" Ford yelled with a bravado that masked his terror. They'd finally cornered him. He'd messed up and they'd finally cornered him _at the worst possible time!_

Three more robed figures stepped into the light pouring through the doorway. Had they been hiding here the whole time? How had they gotten in!?

The Society of the Blind Eye removed their hoods. To his left, Stanford saw a face he recognized. The trucker he'd payed to transport the last shipment.

"Great. _This_ is why I don't trust people!" the cornered scientist muttered under his breath.

But wait. There should have been another face he recognized. Where was…

"Please Stanford, listen to reason." A shaky but familiar voice said behind him. Ford turned to see Fiddleford McGucket standing with a memory erasing device pointed straight at him. His old friend looked terrible. His hair was dishevaled, his face unshaven, and his eyes unfocused.

"Fiddleford, listen to me, I _need_ -"

"No, _you_ listen to _me_!" Fiddleford snapped suddenly, "That portal will spell the end for Gravity Falls, Oregon, the United States, the entire _world_! You _need_ to forget about it!" the crazed engineer's voice softened. "You will feel so much better afterwards. No more nightmares, no more monsters."

"Fiddleford, I _can't_! Not _now_!" Stanford pleaded.

"Look at what it's doing to you Stanford!" McGucket cried. Ford took inventory of himself and found he didn't look any better than his old friend.

"I know! I know you were right about the portal, but _I can't shut it down now_! Not until Stan's safe!"

The members of the Blind Eye stared at him like he was speaking another language.

"It really has driven him mad." The tall man blocking the door said. "Sir, I say we take him now."

"Ivan, I don't-" Fiddleford started.

"He's proven in the past that he won't listen to reason. If what you say is true, it will only get more dangerous. We'll remove the memories, by _force_ if we have to."

Ford didn't wait for them to mull it over. He knew where this was going. He had to get out of there, _now_. He swung a punch at Ivan, socking him right in the eye. The tall man gasped and held his face, but managed to stay standing, blocking Stanford's only exit. He wasn't about to let that stop him. Using the heavy trolley like a battering ram, Ford charged right over the cultist. The momentum of the trolley kept it going over the icy ground outside, until it barreled into the side of Stan's car. The force of the crash jolted Ford, causing him to slip on the ice as well.

When Ford tried to get up, he found a foot pinning him to the ground.

"I'm sorry I have to do this, Stanford." Fiddleford said grimly, leaning down to fire the device into Ford's face. Stanford didn't hesitate to lash out at him. All those years of boxing lessons hadn't been for nothing after all.

The two of them fought like wild dogs, both fueled by desperation. The fight finally stopped with a flash of light. Fiddleford stood up, while Ford lied on the cold wet ground, shaking.

"Better erase the Journals too, just to be safe." McGucket said, turning the dial on the memory device.

"No, please!" Ford yelled before another flash of light enveloped him. He trembled and curled into the fetal position, letting out a low moan.

"Take him home." Fiddleford ordered the members of the Blind Eye. "His mind should settle back down by morning."

As they tried to pick the grown man up out of the snow, Ford sat bolt up.

"Stanley! What did I- what did _you do_!?" He sobbed. "He-he's _gone_ , and I don't know how… or… or why, but I know he's gone and I… I don't know… what can I do? _What did you do_!?"

They dragged him into the car and drove back to Stanford's house, trying their best not to let his crazed ramblings bother them

It was just something they'd have to forget later.

* * *

Stanford woke up with a start in Stan's car the next morning, cold and damp. His mind was groggy, but he knew something was very, very wrong.

Stanley! Stanley had come and something terrible had happened to him! Ford waited for his mind to wake up so he could put together his foggy memories and remember what happened. Only it didn't. The memories stayed foggy. If anything, they only got foggier. He looked around. The car was parked in front of his house. The door appeared to still be locked. Several footprints led away from the car and into the woods. What had happened last night!?

Ford's stomach knotted. What if Bill had… no, that was impossible, if Bill had possessed him then… then… what… what was Bill trying to do again?

Ford staggered out of the car and up the steps to the door, fumbling with the locks. This was disconcerting. Large chunks of his memory were missing. What could have done that? Whatever it was, he was certain it had to do with his brother's disappearance.

 _Had_ Stanley disappeared? He remembered asking Stan to come, heaven knows _why_ , and sure enough, Stanley came. That much he remembered. But after that, it was all a blank. Stan's car was still here, maybe he was just out.

The pit of fear and guilt in Stanford's gut said otherwise. His twin was gone, and he'd had something to do with it.

Stanford walked through his house in a daze when he saw a leather-bound book laying on the floor, as if it had been dropped in a rush. He stared at it curiously. It had a golden outline of his hand on the cover, with a number 1 printed on it. How was that possible? Where had it come from?

And yet as he stared at it, it seemed familiar, almost like a childhood toy found in a forgotten corner of the attic. He opened the book and flipped through the worn, stained pages. It was definitely his handwriting. He stopped when he came to a picture of the bookcase in the den. It detailed some sort of hidden staircase to the basement. Stanford scratched his chin thoughtfully. Was this house even supposed to _have_ a basement?

He followed the book's instructions, taking him past the bookcase, down some stairs and into an elevator, where he input more codes taking him further below the house. What he finally found was mind-boggling. A high-tech lab, filled with computers and monitoring equipment the likes of which he had never seen. It all seemed to be connected to some room on the other side of some large glass windows. When Ford was done admiring the lab, he looked into the other room

What he saw also seemed familiar, but more like a forgotten childhood terror than childhood toy. It was a giant inverted, obtuse triangle, with a large circle cut out of the middle. Four similar rings stood in front of it, two on the ground and two on the ceiling. Ford looked to the book and found a page that seemed to depict the bottom corner of the machine.

 _Although this is currently just a concept, I believe this portal schematic is feasible. If my research is correct, I could open a gateway into the next dimension and see the origin of these anomalies. This will take caution, of course. Not all the strangeness in Gravity Falls is friendly. I don't imagine the dimension they come from is any better._

Ford gulped. A portal. Was that it? Was that where Stanley had gone? Into this other dimension of weirdness? It seemed a bit of a leap in logic. This was a hidden lab, how would Stan have even gotten down here?

Then he noticed something. A burnt scrap of fabric lying to the side of the control console. Although it was badly damaged, Ford could still make out the color. A dirty, greasy red, like the coat Stan had been wearing.

Stanford looked around the lab. It had security redundancies upon redundancies. Obviously, whoever had built it, and Ford was growing more and more certain that it was he himself, did not want anyone tampering with it. It might take weeks just to get past those. He looked down at the book he held in his hand. Hastily written in the corner was what appeared to be settings for the portal. This book would be his key to working out how to use it.

He wouldn't let this guilt gnaw away at him forever. He'd bring his brother back, even if it took a lifetime.


	2. Wistful Thinking

**_Hey y'all, sorry for the mix-up, I clicked the wrong document when I added the chapter. WHOOPS! Here's the real chapter two, and in the unlikely event that this happens in the future, I'm also uploading this to my tumblr, orangeoctopi7._**

 _Author's Notes: Luckily the inspiration for this story is really flowing. FYI, updates probably won't continue to be this regular._

 **Chapter 2: Wistful Thinking**

It quickly became clear, and Ford had suspected this ever since he saw the 1 printed on the cover, that the book was just one volume in a set of journals. Considering one book contained one corner of the portal's schematic, it would make sense that there were two more. One for each corner. But this was a terrible leap in logic. There could be twenty, for all he knew. So, on top of trying to figure out how to use the portal, he had to find the other Journals.

Progress was slow. Getting past the security protocols took weeks, and even then, Ford had no idea how to work the machinery. There was no manual. It all appeared to be custom made. Had he built all this, all by himself?

The questions kept mounting up. Most of it was filled with things he already knew. Things he remembered studying, but not writing down. Which was ridiculous, of course he wrote it down. What kind of idiot didn't take field-notes? What little information there was on the portal was vague, mostly preliminary concepts and theories. Not helpful for figuring out how to work the machine.

As weeks turned to months, Ford began to lose hope. He wasn't making progress with the portal. He was no closer to finding the other journals. He would work for days on end without sleep, and he swore he could hear voices whispering when he was near the portal. Part of him hoped it was a sign that Stan was trying to contact him from the other side. Part of him was terrified that it was just another sign that he was losing his mind. Was that why pieces of his memory were missing? Had he gone completely mad?

When he _did_ crash and fall asleep, his usual nightmares were now accompanied by the sounds of his brother screaming for help. Sometimes, he'd even _see_ Stan, fighting the night terrors, his right shoulder bandaged for some reason. The dreams were consistent enough that Ford wondered if they were some kind of sign. Maybe the dreamscape was acting as a window into the other dimension.

Or maybe that was just wistful thinking.

The thought that Stanley was, more likely than not, dead, weighed heavily on Stanford's mind as the months wore on. Even if the portal hadn't killed him, what were the chances that he'd survived all this time on his own? If this were a police search, they'd have declared the victim 'presumed dead' by now. He began to feel hopeless.

It only got worse as Ford's grant money began to dry up. He couldn't apply for another grant. Six years and a hundred thousand dollars, yet he had nothing to show for it! Maybe if he'd had the other journals he could have pulled together some sort of article or announced some sort of find that would stir up investors, but as it was, the chances of bringing in more money through the scientific community seemed slim.

If his chances of success were so slim, why even try? Was he wasting his time? Should he move on? These were the questions that buzzed through Stanford's mind when he fell asleep in the basement, in the middle of trying to figure out what the readings on a particular machine meant.

This nightmare was different from the others. There were no terrifying visions of monsters he couldn't hope to fight, no images of burning cities, no screaming voices. Instead, he saw the basement, in grayscale, completely silent.

He'd seen this before.

In a quick flash of light, a yellow triangle appeared, his other features forming in a second. Single eye, black limbs, black hat and tie.

"HEEEEEY! LONG TIME NO SEE SIX-FINGERS!" Bill Cipher greeted in his usual jovial, distorted voice.

"Bill!" Ford exclaimed, jumping back in fear. He tried to get ahold of himself. He had to put on a brave face if he was going to confront Cipher. "H-How are you here? What do you want?"

"HAHA, DREAMSCAPE'S BEEN KINDA BORING LATELY. THOUGHT I'D DROP BY. YOU'RE ALWAYS GOOD FOR A LAUGH." Bill said casually, floating up to the nervous scientist and looking him over. "WOW, LOOK AT THIS. I SPEND ALL THAT TIME TRYING TO BREAK YOU, AND YOU END UP DOING A BETTER JOB OF IT YOURSELF. GUILT, TRAUMA, DEPRESSION, CONFUSION, DENIAL, I LOVE IT! I GUESS THAT'S WHAT STRANDING YOUR BROTHER IN ANOTHER DIMENSION WILL DO TO YA."

Ford stared at Bill. A realization dawned over him. "You! You did this!"

"HA, MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT FOR YOUR MENTAL BREAKDOWN, THIS ONE'S ALL ON YOU AND MACKEREL."

"Then why can't I remember anything that happened?"

"WHOA BUDDY, YOU'RE OVERESTIMATING MY ABILITIES. I CAN MAKE PEOPLE QUESTION WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S NOT, BUT I CAN'T TAKE MEMORIES AWAY. NOT YET ANYWAY."

"If not you, then who? Why else would you be here? _What do you want_?" Ford demanded again.

"GEEZ, YOU SURE ASK A LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOUR BROTHER."

"Stanley!? He… he's alive?"

"YEAH, GO FIGURE! TURNS OUT THAT WARD AGAINST EVIL BURNED ONTO HIM IS REALLY COMING IN HANDY. GUYS LIKE ME CAN'T TOUCH HIM. LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE ACTUALLY DOING HIM A FAVOR WHEN YOU SEARED HALF THE SKIN OFF HIS SHOULDER. WHO'D'VE THUNK?"

Stanford looked at the dream demon, confused. "What- I didn't-I'd never- what are you talking about? What burn?"

"BOY THAT MEMORY ERASER SURE IS THOROUGH."

"So you _did_ have something to do with my missing memories!"

"NAH, THAT WAS GOOD OL' FIDDLESTICKS. SOME PAL, AM I RIGHT? BUT I GOTTA HAND IT TO HIM, THAT SECRET SOCIETY HE STARTED IS GREAT. TALK ABOUT BREWING CHAOS!"

"Secret society?" Ford was sure Bill was trying to psych him out. Fiddleford McGucket was a mild-mannered, if exceptionally talented, man. He'd moved to Gravity Falls to help Ford with his research, but left the project once he settled down and had a kid… right?

"You-you're lying! You've always lied to me!" He yelled, "I can't… I can't even be sure what you say about Stan is true." He added dejectedly.

"C'MON SIX-FINGERS, I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR TROUBLES IN THE PAST, BUT I WANT WHAT YOU WANT HERE."

" **I do** _ **not**_ **want what you want!** " Stanford snapped.

"SURE YA DO! WE BOTH WANT THAT PORTAL BACK TO FULLY OPERATIONAL. FOR YOU IT'S YOUR ONLY CHANCE OF SAVING YOUR BROTHER. FOR ME IT'S MY TICKET TO OMNIPOTENCE!"

Ford froze. That couldn't be right. It _couldn't_ be. He _refused_ to believe that Bill was telling the truth, because if that was true, bringing back Stanley would mean playing right into Bill's hands. Again.

Stanford couldn't do that again.

"You're playing mind-games with me." He growled.

"SURE AM! BUT THE TRUTH IS JUST AS USEFUL AS LIES IN THAT DEPARTMENT. LOOK, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, CHECK IT OUT YOURSELF. YOU'RE THE WORLD'S FOREMOST EXPERT ON THE DREAMSCAPE, SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HIS DREAMS."

"I-I've only ever gone into the mind of someone I was only a few feet from. Stan and I aren't even on the same _planet_ anymore…"

"WELL, YOU TWO ARE TWINS. TIME TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING TO ALL THOSE OLD STORIES ABOUT TWIN TELEPATHY."

"Why would I _ever_ take your advice?" Ford asked.

"CUZ YOU'RE DESPERATE! I KNOW YOU. NOW THAT YOU KNOW IT'S A POSSIBILITY YOU'LL DRIVE YOURSELF EVEN FURTHER OFF THE DEEP END IF YOU DON'T AT LEAST TRY."

Stanford clenched and unclenched his fists in frustration. He knew the demon was right and he hated it.

"AND ON THAT NOTE, I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE! GOOD LUCK WITH THE PORTAL BEWARE THE BLIND EYE DON'T BUY INTO THE DOTCOM BUBBLE BYYYYYYYE!"

Ford woke with a start. The digital clock on the desk said it was morning. He had his face pressed into the keyboard of what appeared to be a cross between a typewriter and a clothes washer. He ran his fingers through his hair, which was in serious need of a wash, and suppressed a sob. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this anymore. Not if Bill was involved.

He looked at his reflection in the round monitor. With the months of neglecting self-care, Stanford now sported a mullet almost as bad as his brother's had been. His mouth set into a determined line.

"Oh who were you kidding, you knew Cipher was involved the whole time." He reprimanded himself. He got up to eat breakfast and take a shower, for the first time in too long. With what he was planning, he was going to need all the strength he could get.

* * *

Bill gave a sigh of relief. That was a risky move, tipping his hand to six-fingers like that. But the odds of him abandoning the portal were much higher if he lost hope than if he knew it was part of Bill's plan, but knew it wasn't a lost cause. Now it was time to play the waiting game. It wasn't a game Bill particularly _enjoyed_ , but when you were an ageless dream demon, thirty years really wasn't that bad.

 _Author's Notes:_ _I like showing that Ford is a careful thinker who usually has no trouble reasoning, but as soon as Bill shows up rationality goes out the window and he immediately starts jumping to conclusions and his denial really comes to the surface._


	3. Familiar Reflection

_Author's Notes: First of all, sorry this is so late! If you follow me on tumblr, this has already been up all day. What happened was, I finished writing the chapter late last night. In the morning I slept in, so I was in a rush to get to work, and I just barely had enough time to post this chapter to tumblr. I basically spent all day at work thinking "I hope chapter 3 is ok, I didn't really have time to proofread it." Anyway, to make up for the lateness, I've got a ton of behind-the-scenes thoughts to share with y'all!_

 _Also, I love this chapter because I actually get to add a little bit of humor! Believe it or not, my usual forte is humor writing._

 **Chapter 3: Familiar Reflection**

The spell Stanford needed was not in the first volume of the Journal. He would have to go by memory. That was just as well, he would have to modify it for this special case anyway. Besides, when dealing with the dreamscape, it was the thought that counted.

Modifying the spell was simple enough. Modifying the ritual took a bit more creativity. Normally it called for placing candles around the sleeping form of the individual whose mind you wished to enter, and then placing your hand on their head. Obviously that wasn't an option here. Ford considered many options for a stand-in for Stanley. A drawing, an old photo, the burnt scrap of his coat.

Then he thought of his reflection that reminded him so much of his brother. The more Ford thought about it, the more appropriate it seemed. The mirror not only provided an effigy of Stan, it also acted as a representation of what he wanted, a window into the other world. It was perfect!

And so, by the end of the day, Ford had gathered a ring of candles around a standing mirror. He stood in the center, looking at his reflection. Boy, he looked like a wild man that had been hit by a bus.

"Ok…" He said, then took a deep breath, steadying his nerves. This had to work. It _had_ to. "Er-herm. _I'm Stanley Pines, I like punchin' things, scarin' people, and makin' jokes at inappropriate times!_ " He didn't quite buy it. He tried taking off his glasses and flexing his nonexistant muscles in the mirror. Better.

Now that he had the image of Stanley, it was time for the spell. " _Ostende mihi gemello. Magister mentium. Magnesium ad hominem. Magnum opus. Nullum corpus. Lactis est bonum. Magister mentium. Magister mentium!_ _ **Magister mentium**_ _!"_

The candles flared blue, and when their light subsided, Ford found himself in a new place. It had worked! He was in Stanley's subconscious. This was it, definitive proof that his brother was alive!

It was a gargantuan cave, with a sandy floor and driftwood littered everywhere. To his right was the entrance to the cave, where a familiar swingset stood. To his left, an enormous ship lay half-buried in the sand.

Suddenly, it clicked. This was the old cave where they'd found the Stan'O'War all those years ago! It was much bigger than in reality, but Stanford supposed this is what it would have seemed like to the ten-year-old Stan.

Ford couldn't help but give a sad smile. This memory was so important to Stanley that it had become the basis of his entire subconscious. Ford never would have guessed.

His sad smile quickly changed to a frown. Was that why Stan had been so upset about his brother's favor? But wouldn't that have fulfilled Stan's big dream? Ford shook his head and moved on. There would be time to try and figure out his brother's convoluted psyche later.

On the enormous ship, Stanford found doors leading to different parts of Stan's mind. His fears were boarded up, and his hopes were behind a closed door, with only the faintest glow leaking through the cracks. The only readily available passage was labeled 'memories'. Perfect.

Ford began walking down the hall of memories. Doors and windows led to different moments. He just had to find one where he could talk to Stanley, make contact with his subconscious. Any memory would do.

Stanford opened a door that looked like it had come out of his own house. He saw himself, standing before the portal, the circle in the center glowing bright blue. Between the memory Stanford and the observing Stanford was Stanley, who was holding his shoulder in pain. The skin was burned bright red, making a strange symbol that Ford almost recognized.

"Some brother you turned out to be." Stan growled.

Ford slammed the door shut. Not that memory. He didn't want to see… no, he couldn't talk to Stanley in that memory. He'd try another.

Further down the hall was a door Ford recognized from their parent's house in New Jersey. This was more likely to be someplace he could talk.

"Hey, it was an accident!" an 18-year-old Stan protested, "But hey, maybe there's a silver lining-"

Ford closed the door with a scowl. Not this memory either.

Just a bit further, Ford found a door with bars on the window. Well, it couldn't be worse than the other two.

"Jorje, Rico, you two are the best Colombian prison friends a guy could have." Stan said cheerfully, placing his arms chummily around the two large, scarred men sitting on either side of him.

"Espero que muera." One said.

"Si." The other agreed.

Ford sighed in annoyance. It'd have to do.

He stepped into the memory, eyeing the two Colombian prisoners. He imagined a key for the prison bars. He'd rather have something between him and them.

"Wha… Stanford!? What the heck are _you_ doing here?" Stan asked, clearly flabbergasted.

Ford opened the door and pulled his brother out before the two others could react, then shut the bars again behind him.

"Aha, yes!" Stan laughed with relief, "I knew you couldn't forget about me forever! Sorry amigos, but my brother's finally come to bust me outta here! I'll write ya both once I get state-side."

"Stan, you're dreaming." Ford informed him. He fought the urge to pull his brother into an embrace. It was a dream. It wouldn't be real.

Stan's face fell. "Well… wouldn't be the first time." he said dejectedly.

Ford knew he should probably explain what was going on, but his curiosity got the better of him. He had so many questions. "What's it like? How have you survived this long?"

"Eh, well, it's really not that bad once you get used to it." Stan shrugged "You just gotta convince them you're not worth their trouble. Worst part is I'm the only one who doesn't speak a lick of Spanish. But on the plus side, constant companionship and three free meals a day!"

Ford facepalmed. "Not prison, you knuckle-head! The other side of the portal!"

Stan stared at his brother in confusion, and his expression slowly darkened, like he had just realized something awful.

"I'm not… _that's_ real… oh no… oh sweet Moses…" Stanley suddenly grabbed Ford tightly by the shoulders. "Ford! Are- are you really here!?"

"Uh… yes and no." Stanford stammered, suddenly unsure of how to explain. "I'm projecting my mental self into your mind, across-"

"Ford, you gotta get me outta here!" Stan cut him off. "I don't know how much more I can take! Nothing makes any sense! And there are these crazy… _things_ , some of 'em can talk! One tried to attack me, but when it grabbed me it started _burning_! So now they all just stand there, _staring_ at me…" He trailed off, his voice hollow.

Stanford stared at his brother, scared at the panicked and crazed look in his eyes. Stanley had often boasted he wasn't afraid of anything. This of course wasn't true, but it was still disturbing to see Stan's bravado fall away so quickly.

"I'm working on bringing you back… it… it just might take time." Ford tried to reassure his brother. "Stan, I don't know how much of this you'll remember when you wake up, but I want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry I dragged you into my problems. I shouldn't have asked you to come."

Stan looked like he was going to say something about that, and Ford waited a second. Nothing.

"But I promise," he continued, "I don't care how long it takes, I _will_ save you. So don't give up hope."

Stan looked at his brother. He wanted to believe there was hope, but the burn on his back still throbbed with pain, a reminder of all that had gone wrong between the twins.

"You never swooped in to save me before." Stanley said bitterly.

Ford's stomach twisted with guilt. "I know. I'm sorry." What else was he supposed to say?

"How do I know this is gonna be any different?"

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

Stanley continued to stare at his brother, standing there just as he remembered. Perhaps that was because it was a dream. Ford's face was plastered with regret. That wasn't normal. Ford never regretted _anything_. Despite all the anger boiling inside him, Stan would do _anything_ to take that look off his brother's face.

"You promise not to give up on me, and I won't give up on you." Stan finally said, extending a handshake. Ford looked at the handshake apprehensively, a flicker of fear shot across his face. Then it was gone and he had given into the temptation to hug his brother.

Dream or not, it felt real enough for now.

 _Author's Notes: First of all, Stan's mindscape- Going by the fact that in canon, Stan's mindscape is the Mystery Shack, I obviously couldn't use that here. I like to think that your subconcious is a reflection of what you call home. Since Stan was kicked out of his house at a young age and never stayed in one place for long, the closest thing to home he had was the memories of good times with his brother. In the canon GF timeline, the Mystery Shack was the first real home Stan had._

 _Ford does not get that Stan just wants to go back to the way things were. At all._

 _Refusing to see certain memories? And here we see more of Stanford's denial._

 _In the mindscape, Stan sees Ford as he was as a teenager._

 _Ford flinches at Stan's handshake because it triggers bad flashbacks to Bill._

 _Next chapter might take a while, because we're at a part of the story where I'm not sure where to go._


	4. Property Taxes

_Author's Note: This is the first chapter where I didn't have a clear idea in my head of what I wanted, and as a result, I'm not terribly happy with it. It feels very slapdash and rushed, but it's probably just me. I hope y'all like it._

 **Chapter 4: Property Taxes**

Stanford awoke on the floor, lying next to the mirror, with burnt-out candles surrounding him. That was probably a fire hazard. He should probably do this in a less flammable place than his bedroom next time.

The first thing he noticed as he stood up was that he could feel the memories slipping away already. The trip into Stan's mind was a dream, and like many dreams, the details became more fuzzy the more he woke up. He quickly pulled out the first volume of the Journal and jotted down everything he could remember. He looked at how crowded the pages were. He really needed to start a new journal.

After cleaning up, (and by cleaning up, he meant sweeping everything aside into a pile) Ford grabbed his metal detector and mobile LIDAR emitter. He had another long day of Journal hunting ahead of him.

He was about to leave out the back door when the perimeter alarm went off. The hair on the back of his neck prickled with fear, but he couldn't help being annoyed. This _would_ happen today.

He traded the equipment for his trusty crossbow. Who or what ever it was, it couldn't be good. Could it be some dangerous creature, attracted by the power of the portal? Spies coming to steal his research for nefarious purposes? Something that had followed him back from the mindscape, trying to trick him into becoming its physical vessel? That secret society Bill had mentioned? A million possibilities rushed through Stanford's mind, each worse than the last. His heart started racing. He suddenly became hyper-aware of every sound in the house.

Whatever it was, he wouldn't go down without a fight. He peeked through a small hole in the boarded-up windows. There, coming down the dirt driveway, was a sleek, shiny, new, black car. They were making no attempts to hide their approach, which meant one of two things. This was a distraction, or whoever it was thought they could easily overpower him.

Well, they thought wrong.

Ford stayed at the window, looking around, just in case it _was_ a distraction. The car stopped and a well-dressed man stepped out. The man looked around at the barbed wire, 'keep out' signs, and general disarray of the property with disdain. He reached into his perfectly tailored suit and pulled out a flyer and a stapler. He proceeded to staple the flier to the door.

Ford kicked the door open, knocking the high-class man back. " _What do you think you're doing!? Who sent you? The Soviets? Cipher?"_ He yelled, pointing his crossbow directly at the man's face.

The man looked up with a mixture of fear and indignation. "I-I-I _never_ in my life… do you have any idea who I _am_?"

"No, so you'd better start talking!"

"I'm Sterling Northwest! I _own_ Northwest Realty, along with the _rest of this town_!" Mr. Northwest said imperiously, as if that actually meant something.

"Ha!" Ford barked a bitter, crazed laugh. "You think you phonies intimidate _me_? I've done some digging on your family, I know _all_ about you frauds!"

Sterling grabbed the crossbow and shoved it out of his face with a strength that belied his posh exterior. "I don't care what you _think_ you know. I am under full right of the law to foreclose on this property! You haven't paid your mortgage in six months! We've sent you warning letter after warning letter! Honestly, I was under the impression you'd abandoned the place, or _died_. No one's seen anyone come in or out of this house since winter!"

Oh no… paying the bills had been the _last_ thing on Ford's mind the past few months. He didn't remember getting any warning notices… but… come to think of it, he hadn't checked the mail in a while. Had it really been six months?

He couldn't lose the house. That simply wasn't an option. He still had to figure out that portal so he could save Stan! He still had so many dangerous specimens lying around, things that couldn't fall into the wrong hands!

"However much is due, I'll pay it all now." Ford felt around in his pockets for a checkbook, not taking his eyes off the man. "But you can't foreclose. I _need_ this house."

Northwest smirked, dusting himself off. "The payment was due _yesterday_. This eviction notice" He pointed to the flyer he'd stapled to the door, "gives you until the end of the week to move out. But I'm a generous man. Make the payment in full by Friday and you'll keep the house. You'll have to come into town and do some paperwork, of course."

Stanford didn't take his eyes off Sterling Northwest until he had driven out of sight. Something smelled fishy about this. He doubted the high and mighty Northwests did this sort of dirtywork for every foreclosure. Knowing their sordid past, it was likely that they wanted to use his knowledge of the paranormal to tighten their grip on the town. They might even be working for Bill.

But that didn't change the fact that they could take his house away from him, and no amount of blackmail or exposed secrets could stop property taxes. Under different circumstances, maybe he could have moved all his research and equipment into the bunker, and just stayed there. But the bunker was compromised, and the portal… he couldn't leave that.

So Ford checked the balance in his checkbook. There were a few hundred dollars of grant money left. Not nearly enough. So he gathered up anything he could sell. Most of his belongings were things he couldn't safely let go of. Basically anything relating to the paranormal was out. It was simply too dangerous for the layman, and heaven forbid it fall into the hands of someone who could use it for evil. But electronics were a hot commodity, and he had plenty of circuit boards, tape-readers, and even monitors that he could part with. Hopefully that would be enough.

* * *

Stanford hadn't been in town in a long time. He'd tried to make himself look a little less like a homeless person before leaving. Taken a shower, shaved, changed into clothes that he was 65% sure were clean. His hair was still longer than he would have liked though, and his eyes were bloodshot like a drunk. No wonder people gave him odd looks as he passed them in the street. But he was used to people staring. Being born with six fingers will do that.

When he reached the electronics store, he plopped down a sampling of circuits and vacuum tubes in front of a distracted looking cashier. "How much can you give me for a whole trunk-full of these?" Stanford asked.

The cashier looked up at him with a start. He looked like he'd been through the ringer. His arm was bandaged in a sling, and a bandaid barely concealed a large scrape on his face, which might explain why he hadn't shaved in a while. On top of all that, it appeared his hair was falling out.

"Oh, uh, yes, probably a lot. That looks like some hightly 'vanced thingama- I-I mean, they look like highly advanced parts." The cashier stammered nervously.

Stanford stared at the man. There was something familiar about his voice and his large nose.

"... Fiddleford? Fiddleford McGucket?"

McGucket looked back at him, confused. "Sorry, d-do I know you?"

"It's me, Stanford! Stanford Pines!" Geez, the long hair must have been worse than he thought.

Fiddleford's face changed to an expression of… well, Ford couldn't even tell what that expression was supposed to be. Anger? Fear? Sadness? Shame? Some unholy amalgam of all of those?

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't recogmagize-re-recognize you." Fiddleford stammered.

"I didn't recognize you either! What happened? You look terrible."

"...I was in a car accident." McGucket said slowly.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Ford said, and he meant it. Look what had happened to his friend while he'd been shut up in his house. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No!" McGucket cried earnestly, then simmered back down to quiet and nervous. "Naw, I'll manage. I… uh… I'll go get the manager, he'll want to see what you have…"

Fiddleford zipped into the back of the shop before Stanford could say another word, and soon the young researcher was showing his car-full of electronics to a young man wearing a clean polo shirt and a 'manager' tag. While the manager looked through his goods, Ford's mind was back at the shop. What was up with McGucket? He thought of what Bill had said. Was his old college buddy really responsible for his lost memories? Was that why Fiddleford had acted so strangely when he recognized Ford?

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he forgot to haggle the price. Before he even realized the deal was done, Ford was standing there with a wad of cash in his hand. Coming back down to reality, he counted his earnings and mentally added it to the remaining grant money. He was still over a hundred dollars short. He gave a heavy sigh. He was going to have to do something he never thought he'd do.

He was going to have to look at the wanted-ads.

He had five days to find a job and earn over a hundred dollars. Unfortunately, Gravity Falls was a small town, and it was almost summer. All the jobs were being snatched up by teenagers looking for a way to make cash over the break. Of the few available positions, most wouldn't earn him enough money in a week. And really, Stanford just needed a temporary position. There was really only one job that fit his needs. Luckily he felt he was perfectly qualified for it. It just wasn't a job he wanted to do.

Stanford had _hated_ high school. Imagine how much worse being a high school _substitute teacher_ would be.

 _Author's Notes: More Stanford being in denial, this time about McGucket. And in case you're wondering, no, Sterling Northwest isn't going to be an important character in this. I just needed something to hit home to Stanford how he_ _ **really**_ _needs to stop being a shut-in and get a job. Plus the Northwests are shady as all get out, and they_ _ **do**_ _have that tapestry of Bill Cipher in their house, so I wouldn't be surprised if they worked for him in some way, shape, or form._


	5. Class Clown

_Author's Notes: Well, I'm uploading this later again. What usually happens is I write up the chapter late the night before, I get up and try to copy all the links I need into the tumblr post, and by the time I finish that it's time to get ready for work. Then when work is finally finished I've got dinner and family stuff until the evening when I finally have time to upload the chapter to FFN._

 _This is a really long chapter. I just want to get through the backstory stuff so I can get to Mabel and Dipper fun!_

 **Chapter 5: Class Clown**

Moe Welker tried his best to look the part of a principal. His young face and short stature made him look right at home with the students, but his balding head made it all-to-clear that he was an adult; the man in charge. But there was not a fleck of grey in his remaining brown hair. It was as if his follicles were trying to make up for abandoning the top of his head.

When he interviewed new hires, Moe really wished he looked more intimidating.

"So, Mr. Pines…" Principal Welker said, looking over Stanford's hastily slapped together resume.

"Please, it's Dr. Pines." Ford corrected him. "Mr. Pines was my father."

"Rrrrrriiiiiiight." Welker replied dryly. "Well, _Dr_. Pines, if anything you're _overqualified_ for the position. And you have a clean record. That's usually all we need in a substitute teacher. But there's one thing here that bugs me."

Ford looked at the principal, trying to keep his face neutral, although inside he was panicking.

"It says here you've lived in Gravity Falls for six years."

"Uh, yes, six years, almost seven." Ford confirmed. Where was Welker going with this?

"Why haven't I met you before?"

"Oh, uuuuuhhh…" Stanford's mind rushed to come up with a good answer. "I came here to do… scientific research, and uh, well, I got very caught up in it! No time for socializing, you see."

Principal Welker leaned back and gave him a scrutinizing look. "Dr. Pines, I get the impression you're not a people person. There's nothing wrong with that, but you're not gonna survive _this_ job if you don't have people skills."

Ford's face hardened. Who was this guy, to tell him what he could and couldn't do? "You think I don't have people skills? You don't know a thing about me! Of course I have people skills! I've given dozens of presentations to researchers from around the world!"

"These aren't researchers, they're high-schoolers." Welker said flatly.

"Look, I need this job." Stanford pleaded. "I swear, I'm good with kids."

"These aren't kids." Welker repeated. " _They're high-schoolers_."

Ford stared at the principal for a moment, and sat back. A thoughtful look spreading over his face.

Welker smiled. "Now you're getting it. Still think you can handle people going through the roughest transition of their life?"

The scientist looked up at the principal, desperation streaming from his eyes. "I have to."

Welker was taken aback. The sincerity and intensity of this man's voice got to him in an emotional way he hadn't expected. He sighed in defeat.

"Look, if it means that much to you, I'll give you a trial period. On one condition."

"Do I still get paid before Friday?"

"Yes. Just promise me you'll get a hair cut."

"I'll take it!" Ford said jubilantly. He wanted to hug the principal, but settled for a vigorous handshake.

It wasn't until he reached the parking lot that he realized the handshake hadn't even bothered him.

* * *

Wednesday morning rolled around and Ford was beginning to regret this decision. Was this _really_ the best way to earn money? Could he really handle a crowd of rowdy teens? What in the world was he thinking? He couldn't even deal with teenagers when _he_ was one!

It was too late to back out now. The payment was due in two days. He'd just have to survive the day. It couldn't be worse than the dangers he'd faced investigating the paranormal… could it?

This was a mistake. This was a mistake. This was a _terrible_ mistake. As the students entered the classroom his heart started racing and he felt as though he could hear every sound in the room. See every color. Smell every scent. Why was there so much hairspray?

The bell rang. This was it. Do or die.

"Alright everyone, class is starting. Sit down." Stanford said in an authoritative voice. Most of the students remained standing, completely ignoring him.

"Hey! That was the bell! It's time to start class, so sit down!" He said, louder this time. Still nothing. If anything, the kids talked louder still, trying to drown him out.

Oh dear. This was already a trainwreck. Ford looked around and spied a stack of textbooks; he suddenly remembered something one of his own teachers used to do to get the class' attention. He picked up the books, about a foot off the desk, then let them drop with a resounding _thud_. The students were shocked silent for a moment as they looked around for the source of the noise.

Ford cleared his throat. "Ah-hem, take your seats, please." The students obeyed, although they were still talking. Oh well. At least they were paying attention to them now. "Alright, your usual Physics teacher, Mr. Shmee, is in the hospital this week, so I'll be your substitute. My name is Dr. Stanford Pines." As he raised his hands to gesture to himself, he noticed several of the kids staring at them. He sighed in irritation. "And to get this out of the way, _yes_ , I have six fingers on each hand. No need to gawk, you'll get plenty of time to look at them when I write on the board.

"So, let's get started. The notes say you're learning about colliding objects. Who can tell me what laws of motion we use to solve these kinds of problems?"

No one answered. He'd lost them again. Most students were talking to each other, while those who weren't stared absentmindedly at his hands. Stanford frowned and dropped the books again.

"Alright, listen up! If you keep on goofing off and not paying attention, you're wasting _your_ time as much as you are mine. But hey, what do I care? I'm just a sub. I get paid either way. You" He said loudly, pointing out at the students, "on the other hand, are here to learn physics. So let's learn some physics!"

That seemed to have gotten their attention again. They were at least surprised by his sudden outburst and reprimand. Ford picked up a piece of chalk and started coming up with a problem for them before they could recover.

"So, let's say you have a 150 pound object floating free in a theoretical frictionless, gravityless environment." He drew a circle on the board and labeled it 150 lbs.

"And another 200 pound object on a collision course, accelerating at a foot per second per second at a 30 degree angle." He drew a second circle labeled 200 lbs, and an arrow pointing towards the first object.

"When they collide, it's not straight on. Object two grabs object one ten inches from its center of mass, creating torque." He shakily drew a line from the center of object one labeled 10 inches.

"After rotating 180 degrees, object two pushes off of object one with a force twice that of their original collision, propelling it forward!" Who was shouting? Was that him?

"What is the the torque on object one, and what is the acceleration of object two after pushing object one?" He dropped the chalk and noticed his hands were shaking. He looked at the students. They were staring at him like he'd just turned purple.

Ford suddenly realized that his heart was racing, his head was pounding, and his body sweating. What was wrong with him? Was this nerves? Why did he feel sad, and scared? He sat down heavily.

"There that… that ought to keep you busy until class ends. If you have any questions… I'll just be here."

The students looked at him, a mix of worried, confused, and even scared faces all across the classroom. Ford forced a smile onto his face. "I'm fine, get started on that problem!"

What was that all about? He'd been trying to think of a good, difficult problem to get the kids thinking, and one had suddenly popped into his head. He studied the drawings on the board. Why did the situation seem familiar? Was this another lost memory trying to make its way back into his consciousness? He shook his head. At least the students were working now. There'd be time to worry about this later.

* * *

"So how's the new sub in Physics?"

"He totally freaked out in the middle of class!"

"Does he really have six fingers?"

"He's got a doctorate, dude! I heard he's some sorta genius!"

"Is he ok?"

"He's like, _super-intense_."

Rumors about Dr. Pines spread like wildfire after first period physics. The general consensus was that he was a hard case, as far as substitute teachers went. He was intense, and even a bit scary. Worst of all, he actually made the students do _school work_!

One student in the afternoon physics period took this as a challenge. He was the class clown. It was his job to distract teachers and students alike from the boring monotony of class time. That went double for subs. Substitute days were supposed to be a break! He'd show this newbie how it was supposed to be.

* * *

Stanford's second class of the day was right after lunch. He knew this was going to be more difficult than the last class. It was only logical. In the morning they were still tired and sluggish. After lunch they were wound up and full of energy.

At first things seemed promising. The students all sat down in their chairs to start with, whispering to each other and occasionally pointing at him. Apparently he'd made a reputation for himself after the last class.

Ford reiterated his introduction and even the explanation that yes, he did have six fingers on each hand. That was when the trouble started.

A hand shot up in the middle of the room. "Yes?" Ford pointed to the boy with the question.

"How'd you get extra fingers?" The young man asked with an annoying southern twang. "Did you get mutated by radioactive waste?"

Ford rolled his eyes. Like he hadn't heard that one before. "I was born with them."

"Did your mom drink radioactive waste while she was pregnant?"

Ford stood up in a flash, fists clenched and teeth gritted. The boy smirked. The substitute teacher tried to blink away the anger. No way was he going to get thrown out of the school over a 'your mom' joke.

"What's your name, kid?" Stanford asked in a low, deadly tone.

"Buddy." The boy replied smarmily. "Buddy Gleeful."

"Well, _Buddy_ , if you're so keen to ask questions, let me ask you one. What law of motion dictates what force is exerted on each object in a collision?"

Buddy looked up at him blankly and shrugged.

"Come on, this is _easy, basic_ stuff." Ford insisted. "You should have learned Newton's Laws the first week of class." A couple of hands went up in the front row. "Your classmates know. You still don't?" Buddy shrugged again.

"Newton's Third Law." Stanford said loudly, now addressing the whole class. "It states that for every force, there is an equal and opposite force." He dropped a stack of books on the desk. "The desk exerts just as much force on the books as the books do on the desk."

"Equal and opposite forces, like the Dark Side and the Light Side of the Force in Star Wars?" Buddy asked with a grin. The class laughed. Ford ignored him. He didn't want to admit it, but that was a pretty funny joke.

The substitute teacher wrote up another problem on the board. He didn't have an anxiety attack this time, but with Buddy's constant asides, it didn't really go any smoother. By the end of class, Ford was through.

"You." He stepped in front of the trouble-making boy as he left the classroom. "You're coming to the office with _me_."

"But I'll be late for my next class…"

" _Do I look like I care_?" Ford asked, no longer hiding his anger. He placed a large hand on the kid's shoulder and steered him to the office.

Principal Welker was on the phone with someone when they got there, so Ford had to take a seat with Buddy outside the office and wait. In the down time he couldn't help but remember the last time he'd been in this position. Was all this really worth it, for Stanley? Stan, who'd always been there to support him, only to sabotage his first chance to really make a difference in his life?

Stanford found himself staring at his reflection in the glass of the principal's door. It was his fault Stanley was gone. His portal. His mess. His job to fix things.

Buddy noticed the sub staring at his reflection. "Nice hair cut. You do it yourself?" He asked snarkily. Ford ignored the kid. That was exactly what he'd done.

The door opened, ending the awkward conversation. They took a seat opposite Welker's desk.

"Ah, Dr. Pines how'd your first day go?" the principal asked cheerfully. Then his eyes fell on Buddy. "Oh. You had a problem?"

"This little…" Ford decided it probably wouldn't be ok to call the kid 'troll' to the principal's face, "... _rascal_ … has been openly insulting me in class and disrupting my lesson."

"Buddy, what do you have to say for yourself?" Welker asked the boy.

"Well first of all Principal Welker, can I just say what an honor it is to have such a fair and understanding principal such as yerself?" The boy said, laying the flattery on thick.

"Save it, Buddy." Welker said flatly.

"Well y'see sir, I was just tryin' to make everyone more comfortable with the new sitcheeation of a substitute teacher, yes!" Buddy explained, "Tryin' to add some levity to the class. Weren't no offense meant, I assure you!"

"Well, there's a time and a place for levity young man." Welker said firmly. "Now, run along to class."

Ford stared at the principal blankly as the kid left. "That's it?" He finally asked, scandalized. "You're just going to let him talk his way out of it!?"

"He was just talking in class. It's not worth making a big deal out of it." Welker said.

Ford wanted to argue, but he also wanted his pay check by friday. He could let this go. Buddy wouldn't be his problem after this week anyway. He would just have to deal with it for one more day.

 _Author's Notes: Moe Welker is named after two great voice actors (Maurice Lemarch and Frank Welker) but his appearance and mannerisms are based off a youth leader from my church when I was a teen._

 _Ford's freakout in the morning class is his subconscious memories effecting his imagination._

 _Will young Bud Gleeful be important? You'll see :D_

 _If any of y'all are game for it, go ahead and try out that physics problem. I dunno if it's even solvable. That'd be hilarious if it turns out it isn't. I'm gonna be lazy and not bother. I'm more interested in chemistry than physics._


	6. Maybe there were Gremlins

_Author's Note: Well, this one took a while. It's really REALLY long! I had a lot of fun writing it. Maybe I should have cut it in the middle, but I kinda want to get on to the future. Hope y'all like it!_

 **Chapter 6: Maybe Gremlins**

Friday was going to be a big day, so Stanford tried to get to bed early Thursday night. Of course, that meant Thursday night was incredibly rough.

The nightmares were worse than usual. More of Stanley's screams. More creatures of indescribable horror. A great yellow eye in the sky, watching his every move. And, this was new, people who appeared to be normal, except with X's where their eyes should be, grabbing at him and trying to drag him down into a murky dark mist. He vaguely recognized some of them. People he had seen around town in Gravity Falls.

Ford woke with a start around 5am the next morning, and couldn't get back to sleep. How could he, when he could feel the eyes of the world on him? Every _one_ and every _thing_ was watching him. He got up and spent the next two hours scouring the house for bugs, magical or mechanical. His search turned up nothing, but Ford couldn't shake the feeling that something had an eye on him.

Then his alarm clock went off and he remembered where he was supposed to be in an hour.

After forcing some food into his stomach (everything tasted like ash) Stanford pulled on some clean cloths, tried to make his hair look less like he'd cut it himself, and got about halfway through brushing his teeth before he realized he was using disinfectant cream instead of toothpaste.

He pulled up to the school in Stan's car. An older woman, probably another teacher, was getting out of her car just a few spaces over. She smiled and waved at him. Ford gave a cold, suspicious glare in return. A facade of niceness wasn't going to fool him.

Inside the school, he avoided making eye-contact with anyone. He was sure they were all working against him. Everyone wanted to see him fail, to see him trip in the home stretch. Well he wouldn't give them the satisfaction. He was going to get that bill paid and no one was going to stop him.

Dr. Pines ordered his first class to get to work on a problem in their textbook. Then he sat at his desk, staring out over the class. The students could sense the tension in the substitute. No one dared ask him a question, or even make a sound. Everyone just worked quietly in their books.

By the time his second class rolled around, Stanford was ready for the day to be over. He just wanted to take his paycheck and go to Northwest Realty and get this whole mess taken care of, so he could get back to fixing his _other_ messes. He was so close... And yet so far. This was the class with that disruptive little troll Buddy Gleeful, after all.

The class ended up dragging on, but not for the reason Ford would have guessed.

It started with a young lady sitting in the front row. She looked a bit distraught as she came in. When Ford instructed the class to open their books, she raised her hand.

"Dr. Pines, I can't find my Physics book."

"Did you leave it in your locker?" The substitute asked.

"No! Well, I mean, I know I left it in my locker before lunch, but when I came back after lunch it was gone!"

Ford frowned. "Do you think it was stolen?"

"Uh, I dunno. I mean, it wasn't forced open or anything, but nobody knows the combination to my locker."

"Maybe gremlins took it." Buddy said with a chuckle.

Ford stood, his face serious. "Oh, you laugh now, but you won't think it's funny when they start getting bolder. Gremlins always start small, steal a few pens or single socks. But then they need bigger thrills and next thing you know they're unscrewing bolts in your car or rewiring your house to electrocute you if you turn on a light."

The students looked at him like he'd just sprouted wings. Was this guy serious?

Ford stepped around his desk and bent down to get on eye level with the girl. "If there's a gremlin in the school, that could be a serious safety hazard. Show me where your locker is."

The girl looked at him for a few seconds, unsure whether her teacher was just joking with her or not.

"Well?" Ford asked.

The girl gave a confused nod and led the substitute out the door and down the hall. The rest of the students looked around at each other curiously. What was going on here? What was the class supposed to do? Were they supposed to stay here? Follow?

Eventually their curiosity got the better of a hand full of students and they followed out the door. Once a few students left, the whole class followed _en mas_.

The girl's locker, it turned out, was on the other end of the building. She opened it for the teacher, revealing a large disorganized pile of books, folders, and papers.

"You're sure it's not just lost in this mess?" One student asked.

"It's better to be safe than sorry." Stanford assured them, kneeling down and taking a closer look at the chaotic locker. It was hard to tell if anything had been disturbed. He reached into his pocket and felt a bottle he'd been using to check for magical surveillance in his own house earlier that morning. A bottle of magic-detecting spray. Perfect.

Ford lightly spritzed the locker, and a light tan trail of tiny footprints was revealed. The students gasped in wonder. He found himself smiling. It was nice seeing these kids get excited about his work.

"Woah, it really _was_ gremlins!" the girl who owned the locker said, dumbfounded.

"These aren't gremlin footprints, too many toes." Ford corrected her. "It could be a bare-footed gnome, but they don't typically work alone. Maybe an elf, or an especially large fairy…" He followed the trail, squirting the spray again when he lost sight of it. The students followed behind him, enthralled.

Well, most of them anyway. Buddy Gleeful's usual expression of carefree goofiness was replaced by one of constipated worry. This magical business bothered him, but he didn't seem willing to say anything on the matter.

This all escaped Stanford's notice. He was too busy explaining mini-humanoids to the rest of the class as they followed the magical trail. They soon reached a door that led into the school kitchen. Luckily the lunch crew seemed to be done cleaning up for the day. The kitchen looked tidy.

Too tidy.

Unnaturally tidy.

A school kitchen _couldn't_ be this tidy.

"I think I know what took your book." Stanford said smugly. He sprayed once again and a trail leading under the freezer was revealed. "Someone help me move this." He asked, and a few students did just that. Behind the freezer they found a nest of sorts. Stray kitchen utensils, old food trays, and lint galore were arranged around a small, humanoid creature, clad in cleaning supplied. Where it wasn't girded up with sponges and toothbrushes, it was covered in thick brown hair. It lay curled up asleep with a worn but sparkling clean physics book.

"Here's your culprit, a Brownie." Ford said.

"What?" Several of the students asked. "No way man, brownies are what you eat for dessert!" On boy protested.

"Not a chocolate brownie!" Dr. Pines clarified. "A Brownie is a magical being. Also known as a Cleaning Fairy, they stake out territory in a human dwelling and then keep the area clean to attract a mate. They like to collect and eat trash." He reached down and carefully removed the book, careful not to disturb the creature, then handed it back to the girl. "Here. Don't do homework at the dinner table anymore, they're attracted to the smell of bad cooking. Bad cooking means a big mess.

"Brownies are generally harmless, as long as you don't leave out LEGOs, they hate stepping on those things. I think it's best for our health, and for the school's sanitation record, if we leave it here."

The students crowded around the freezer, trying to get a good look at the thing, ooo-ing and aah-ing. Somehow the Brownie remained asleep. It must have been a really heavy sleeper.

Then the bell rang and Stanford no longer cared about the Brownie or the students. He was done for the day! He was getting that paycheck and he was paying off that bill to Northwest Realty! He shot out the door and down to the principal's office. Principal Welker was waiting for him.

"Hello Dr. Pines, I see you survived your term as a substitute." Welker said jokingly.

"Yes, not to be rude, but I need to cash my paycheck and get to Northwest Realty by five today, could I just take my check and go?"

Welker rolled his eyes but handed the paycheck over without a word. Stanford ran out of the building without a second look back. He was sure he'd _never_ set foot in that school again.

* * *

Stanford stepped out of Northwest Realty later that evening, incredibly proud of himself. It had all been worth it to see the sour look on Sterling Northwest's face. It wasn't quite as sweet as finally finding concrete proof that the Northwests were all frauds, but Ford was sure he'd find that eventually. He still had to worry about making future mortgage payments, but he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

This day had really turned around! This morning he'd felt terrible, like the whole world was against him. Now, for the first time in months, things seemed to be going his way. He'd been able to show the high school students a real paranormal creature, and he'd saved his house from a greedy blue-blood snob. Not bad.

Ford was feeling great as he walked down the street. However, despite his generally good mood, his usual paranoia still lingered. He could swear he heard footsteps behind him, but when he turned to look there was nothing. There seemed to be shadows at the corner of his vision, but when he turned to look they were gone. Was he going mad?

He had almost made it back to the school parking lot and Stan's car. It was past the dump. That was when they made their move.

He saw a robed figure standing in the shadows just across the street, staring right at him. Ford scoffed. They were going to have to try better than that! He ducked into the dump to lose his pursuer. A mysterious figure in robes was never a good sign, especially in Gravity Falls. What could it be? A wraith? The Grim Reaper? A bunch of gnomes who had gotten hold of a cloak?

Inside the fence of the dump Stanford found plenty of places to hide. He ducked under a broken down tractor and tried to breathe as quietly as possible. He soon glimpsed the feet of the robed person walking past… followed by another two robed people. And three more coming from further inside the dump.

"Where is he?" A man's voice with a vaguely british accent asked. "Are you sure you scared him into the dump, novice?"

"Eh-yes!" A younger voice with a hint of a southern drawl replied. Ford recognized that voice, that was Buddy Gleeful! "I _saw_ him slip in here, I promise ya!"

"He must have known it was a trap." a woman's voice said.

"Impossible." The british man scoffed.

"Well he remembers the paranormal, who knows what else?"

"That's why we'll have to completely wipe his mind when we find him." The british voice said gravely. "He's not just spreading knowledge of the town's stranger side, he's a danger to The Society of the Blind Eye!"

Most of the other robed figures gasped and shifted about uncomfortably. They didn't like the idea of _completely_ wiping a man's mind.

"McGucket will never apro-" One started to say.

"McGucket doesn't need to know!" The first voice yelled. He seemed to be the leader. "He's not been well of late. We needn't burden his mind with this problem."

"...Why do you always sound like you're in a renaissance fair?" another woman asked.

"Spread out and look for him." The leader instructed, ignoring her. "I'll stay here and guard the exit."

Stanford gritted his teeth. That guy was standing right in front of him. There was no getting out of this hiding spot without being spotted. This wasn't exactly a comfortable position. How long would he have to stay here?

Not very long, it turned out. One robed man came by in just a few seconds with a flashlight, checking under all the junk. _Crap_. Ford tensed up, ready to bolt the second the guy got too close.

"Hey! I-" The man started to yell out, but Ford sprang up and punched him square in the jaw. In another second he was running, away from the exit. There had to be some loose boards in the fence somewhere, and he did _not_ want to deal with the guy who seemed dead-set on erasing his mind.

The chase was on. Five people in dark red robes chased after him. Ford did his best to knock over piles of trash in their way to slow them down, but they were nothing if not persistent. One of them pulled out a strange device that seemed like a cross between a gun, a label-maker, and a lightbulb. The guy fired off a beam of light. It flew wide of its target, thankfully. Ford really didn't want to know what that beam of light did.

Ford found himself in a dead-end, surrounded by unclimbable piles of trash on three sides. Behind him was the Society of the Blind Eye. Well, it looked like he was going to have to _fight_ his way out of this one.

He lept at the guy with the gun-thing first, knocking him over before he could fire. The device slipped out of the man's hand. Ford grabbed it. The society members around him all gasped, and backed away cautiously. Ford smirked in triumph and chanced a glance a the thing. It only took a few seconds for his genius mind to take in it's design and purpose. Ah, so _that_ was how it worked? An electromagnetic wave that disrupted synaptic connections within the long-term memory. Ingenious, really, but it could be a lot more efficient as a radio signal. It could travel as a shockwave, hitting multiple targets that way.

"Don't let the memory eraser fall into the wrong hands!" The first woman from before ordered.

Oh, right, he was supposed to be fighting cultists, not admiring their stuff. Ford charged straight at the line of society members and fired the gun-thing at the shouting woman. She narrowly dodged the beam, letting him pass in the process. Probably for the best. Ford didn't want to be responsible for erasing someone's mind. As he ran, he looked down at the device and fiddled around with the dial. He might not be willing to _completely_ erase someone's mind, but making the cultists forget about him might be his best way out of this mess.

 _Stanford Pines_ the small monitor read. Perfect. He rounded a corner to get out of their sight and then stopped suddenly, turning around and aiming for where he knew they'd be coming. Sure enough, the cultists came barreling around the corner at full tilt. Stanford managed to hit three of them in quick succession. The last two included Buddy Gleeful and the shouting woman. She raised up her hands in a peaceful gesture.

"Listen sir, we just want to help you! We can take away the pain. I'll tell you what, I'll just erase your memory of the Society and the monsters, you pretend we totally wiped you for Ivan's sake, and tomorrow you wake up like nothing bad ever happened."

"You're in no position to make deals." Ford said steadily.

The woman, seeing his point, lept at him in a last attempt to retrieve the device. As they fought, she grabbed his arm and twisted it, making him drop the gun. But not before he fired. The beam shot out and reflected off a broken piece of glass, rebounding to the woman. She collapsed, dragging Stanford with her.

Buddy grabbed the memory gun.

"Buddy, please, don't-" Stanford pleaded.

Buddy turned the gun on himself.

"...Buddy, no!" Ford yelled too late. There was a flash and Buddy's eyes glazed over. A contented smile spread across his face. The scientist looked on in silent horror. Who would _do that_ to themselves?

Then he heard footsteps coming from the direction of the exit. The leader, "Ivan", was coming to see what had happened. Ford remembered the words of the woman. Fake it, pretend his mind is gone. He immediately collapsed on the ground and tried to adopt the vacant expressions he'd seen on all the others' faces.

"What... What happened!?" Ivan asked, seeing everyone sprawled out on the ground. Bud groaned and sat up. The teen still had the memory gun in his hand. "Novice, did _you_ get him?!"

"Uh…? Why, yes, yes I did!" Buddy replied slowly. "I got, uh, him."

Ivan stepped over Ford. The scientist tried his best to keep his eyes unfocused and his face blank. The cultist leaned over and looked his victim over. When Ivan was satisfied that Stanford was no longer a threat, he nodded and stood up, giving the scientist a swift kick in the side. It took all of Ford's concentration not to jump up and fight Ivan, but he just groaned and flinched.

"You won't be a danger to this town any longer, Pines." Ivan spat. "Come along novice, you did well today."

The two of them helped the woman up and left the dump. Stanford didn't dare move from the spot until the sun had finally gone down. ...They had just left him there, fully believing his mind was wiped. They'd practically left him there to die! That was _cold_!

As he lay there, Ford had time to think about what he'd heard them talking about while under the tractor. Fiddleford was involved in this somehow. Ivan seemed to be doing this behind his back. Stanford remembered what Bill had said about Fiddleford starting a secret society. Apparently he'd just encountered them. _That_ was it. That was how he'd lost his memory.

Ivan had said something about how McGucket wasn't doing well. Ford remembered the encounter with his friend at the electronics store. Fiddleford _had_ looked to be in bad shape. The scientist was torn; he wanted to help his friend, but it wasn't safe to be around a man who created a secret society of memory erasers.

Stanford couldn't afford to lose any more memories. Stanley was counting on him. If he was going to fix the portal, he was going to have to keep clear of _anyone_ involved with the Society of the Blind Eye. _And_ he was going to have to pretend he knew _nothing_ about the paranormal.

 _Author's Notes: The girl who lost her physics book is basically me, in high school._

 _Brownies are a mythical creature I read about as a kid in a book called The Divide, but I can honestly say I've never seen it anywhere else. So I promise it's not a thing I just made up. (I did modify the appearance though)._

 _The woman is just a character I made up on the spot. I imagine she's sort of like second-in-command to Blind Ivan now that McGucket's sanity slippage has compromised his ability to lead the society._


	7. Flash Forward

_Author's Notes: Yeah, I had some writer's block problems with this chapter. It's a weird one. Writing time skips are always weird. Sorry, I promise the next chapter will be better._

 _After much internal debate I've decided Ford doesn't get the metal plate in this AU. At first I was going make it so he got it around this time, but I had a few ideas for the future that require his mind to be vulnerable._

 **Chapter 7: Flash Forward**

"Really? You want _me_ to sub?" Stanford asked incredulously.

"No, I was just calling you because I like wasting the school's time and money." Principal Welker replied dryly. "Of course I want you to sub again!"

Ford didn't know how to respond to the offer. Sure, in the past few months he'd made ends meet by repairing people's broken microwave ovens and phones and even a colecovision, but there was no denying, being a substitute teacher payed well. He might be able to afford some new equipment to help him figure out the portal.

However, there was the matter of the students.

One of his students had sold him out to the Blind Eye. The rational part of Ford's brain tried to tell him that this was an isolated incident, but paranoia had a funny way of drowning out reason.

And then, just a few weeks after school had let out, Ford had run into the girl who lost her Physics book at the grocery store. When he'd approached her and asked if the brownie had pilfered any more books, she'd looked at him like he was crazy, and ran off to find her mother. It didn't take long for the scientist to guess what had happened.

He'd gotten an entire class memory-wiped.

"So Dr. Pines, can I put you on this year's sub-list or not?" Welker asked, bringing Ford back from his thoughts.

"I-uh-I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher, even if I am just a substitute. I… don't think the kids liked me."

Welker laughed. "Ha, don't sell yourself short. I'd rather have a sub the kids hate who knows what he'd doing than a sub who just sits there and lets them waste an entire class period throwing paper airplanes and writing on their desks."

"The kids _hate_ me?" Ford asked, more hurt than he would have expected to be.

"Oh, I dunno. Most of them probably don't even remember you. A one-time sub doesn't typically stand out." the principal tried to reassure him.

"Don't remember… yes…" Dr. Pines said quietly.

He needed the money. He _really_ needed the money. With no leads on the locations of the other two journals, Stanford's best bet of figuring out the portal was to reverse engineer it. That would require a lot of equipment.

And maybe with a steadier income he could finally buy himself a new car. It felt wrong driving around in Stan's, for so many reasons.

And maybe a garage for all those repair projects he'd taken on. He was worried he'd get one mixed up with an experiment and end up giving someone a lightbulb that extended their lifespan or something.

"I suppose I could be on the list, as long as you give me plenty of notice."

* * *

(Three weeks later)

"Two hours is _not_ plenty of notice!" Ford grumbled to the Principal. In his rush he'd nicked himself shaving, and his hair was more rumpled than usual.

"His wife went into labor, it's not something he was planning on!" Welker defended.

"Well couldn't you have gotten _someone else_?"

"You're our only science sub. Anyway, I've gotta go get ready for the morning intercall, good luck."

Dr. Pines groaned. Ok, this should be fine. Chemistry was easy enough. Ionic compounds were a pretty simple concept to explain.

Soon enough the students showed up. He started out teaching the lesson from the book, but he found himself straying to explain things that the book only skimmed over or outright ignored. Like the book didn't even mention electron shell shapes! But that made understanding why ionic compounds had different charges so much easier!

Perhaps the book thought such concepts would be over the student's heads, but the kids seemed to be asking the right questions. The ones who were paying attention, anyway. But he reasoned that those kids wouldn't be paying attention regardless of what he taught.

* * *

(One month later)

Another night, another trip into Stanley's mindscape.

Of course, Ford couldn't go every night. Or even every week. On these nights he didn't get any _real_ sleep, and he was unsure if it had a similar effect on Stan. He wasn't about to risk that. He could only guess how badly Stan needed rest out there.

It took several visits for Stanley's previous dreams to become part of his long term memory, so for a couple of months, each visit Ford would have to explain what he was doing in Stan's mind, how he'd gotten there, and what he was doing to try and bring Stan back. Even after that, Stan's memories of their previous meetings were always patchy.

Then there was the matter of their sleep schedules matching up. There had been a few times where Ford had performed the ritual, only for nothing to happen. This happened a few times before they figured out it was because Stan hadn't slept those nights.

All-in-all, trips into Stan's mindscape could be very frustrating.

"So, how's progress going?" Stanley asked. The memory they were in had become their de-facto meeting place: a couple of teens sitting on the swingset on the beach.

It was a simple enough question, but it only served to frustrate Stanford more. Progress wasn't going anywhere! He was no closer to finding the other journals and he'd taken apart and put back together every part of the portal, yet he still had no idea how to work it or what purpose it served! But he couldn't bring himself to crush Stan's hopes like that.

"It's moving along slowly, alright?" Ford snapped, sounding more salty than he'd meant to. "I know you're in danger and I know you've been there almost a year, but I'm doing the best I can!"

Stan blanched. "A-a year?"

"Almost." Ford corrected. "It's October here."

"Don't tell me that!" Stan yelled. "Don't tell me these things, I don't want to know! It just makes it worse, knowing what I'm missing!"

"I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably be stuck there much longer than a year." Ford said sadly.

His brother grabbed him roughly by the shoulders, looking at him desperately. "Come _on_ Sixer, you're a genius, I _know_ you can do better!"

The scientist froze. A painful memory of someone _else_ calling him Sixer and praising him as a genius came to mind.

" _Pleading_ won't change anything." Ford said simply, lifting his brother's hands off him. The memory of Bill taunting him was suffocating out any other thoughts. He couldn't do this! He couldn't remember exactly what the demonic triangle wanted with the portal, but he knew it was far too dangerous. He couldn't reactivate the portal… but would Stan understand? No, he couldn't know. If Stan lost hope, who knows what he'd do?

"Hey, you ok?" Stanley asked, noticing his brother's long silence.

"I'm sorry, I can't save you!" He finally whispered.

"Hey, none of that! Don't give up on me, and I won't give up on you!"

Ford was fighting back tears. This was too hard a decision to make. What had he done to wind up in this situation?

Stan, seeing his brother's emotional struggle, but not really understanding it, pulled him into a hug. "It's OK, you'll figure it out."

Stanford didn't see how he _could_. Either option was so terrible! Never truly see his brother again, or let Bill Cipher… he couldn't _remember_ what it was Bill wanted to do, but the wretched feeling inside him told him it was disastrous.

So instead he decided _not to_ make a decision. He wasn't making progress with the portal anyway. He'd keep looking for the other journals, even look for another way to bring Stan back. And he'd cross that horrible bridge when he came to it.

* * *

(One year later)

"So, Mr. Shmee is retiring this year…"

"No." Dr. Pines got up to leave the principal's office.

"Oh come _on_ Stanford!" Welker pleaded, "You're better qualified than anyone else applying for the position!"

"Well I'm _not_ applying for the position, so you can give it to one of them."

* * *

(Two years later)

"Did you hear Mr. Praxis is fired?" The biology teacher asked Dr. Pines as they chatted in the teacher's lounge.

"Really? About time. These poor kids don't even know how to calculate buoyancy." Ford said gruffly. "I feel like I have to cover three back-lessons every time I sub for him, which is _much more_ often than should be allowed. How often does this guy just take off for vacation?"

The biology teacher nodded. "I know!" She exclaimed, "That's why Welker fired him! I told him not to do it, that's the second teacher in as many years, but he said 'I may as well just let Pines teach the class, he's covering for the guy so often.' And I asked him if he'd asked you about it."

"He has. Several times."

"And?"

"And I'm thinking about it."

She sighed. "Dr. Pines, these kids _really_ need a good teacher. Test scores are at an all-time low, it's making the science department look bad."

Ford gave her a scrutinizing look. "Did Welker _ask_ you to talk to me about this?"

"Well, yes," She admitted, "but I would have talked to you about it even if he hadn't."

The substitute gave an exasperated sigh and sat back. He wanted to show the kids that physics was great, that it wasn't boring or frivolous, like the last two teachers had made it out to be. He loved those rare moments where he could actually get the kids excited about science and the unknown like he was. But he hated grading papers and filling out attendance forms and calling parents because he'd caught little Suzy cheating.

The repair garage he'd set up beside his house had been bringing in decent money, along with his increasingly frequent substituting gigs. But it would be nice to have more.

"I'll tell you what I've told Welker. _I'm thinking about it_."

* * *

"So you're gonna teach full time?" Stan asked him later that night. This was something Ford needed to talk over with someone.

"Maybe….Probably."

Stan gave a long, dissapointed sigh. "That's probably gonna take up a lot more journal-hunting time, huh?"

"Well, yes, but I'll have weekends and summers off." Ford reasoned. "And I'll be making a bit more money, enough for new equipment."

"Ford, upgrading the dumb thing isn't gonna do us any good if you still don't know how to work it!"

"It's all I can do at the moment." Stanley didn't understand. Maybe if Stanford changed the portal he'd be able to stop it from working the way Bill wanted it to. It was a slim chance, considering his limited knowledge of Bill's or the portal's purpose, but it was a chance he had to take.

The twins sat in sad, frustrated silence. "Are you really gonna come for me?" Stan finally asked.

Ford's stomach dropped out of him. He was still so unsure of how to proceed, or whether he even should. "Of course!" It wasn't _really_ a lie… He _wanted_ to save Stan, he just needed to find a different way. "Why would you even need to ask that?"

"Well, a few days ago I met another… guy, and he said… said you'd never open the portal again, not even to save me. Cuz it's too dangerous." Stanley said slowly.

Stanford felt his heart racing. That was _exactly_ the problem. How had this 'other guy' known? "Stan, you can't trust the things you find out there!"

"Not even if it's you?"

"What?!"

Stan sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. Forget it."

"Stan, I'm still on Earth! Whatever or whoever you saw, it was some sort of trick, or illusion!"

"Said he was from a different time-line, or universe or whatever. I dunno. Real stick-in-the-mud." Stan explained, keeping his eyes on the ground. "I know he's not really _you_. You're _my_ brother. I guess it just sorta shook me up is all."

Ford felt sick. This other timeline version of himself seemed to know exactly what was going on. In a way he was right, Ford _knew_ it was too dangerous to open the portal. But there had to be another way, right? Or was that what the other him had meant? There was no other way, only the portal, and that was simply not an option. "I'll find a way." He whispered.

* * *

 _Author's Notes: I'm terrible about finding a good way to end chapters, ok? Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner because I actually have a clear idea of what I want to write. Plus, it stars my two favorite characters! Should be fun!_


	8. The Boy at the Science Fair

_Author's Notes: I really enjoyed writing this one! My two favorite characters are Ford and Soos, so I had a lot of fun. That's why the chapter is up so fast, I had a lot of inspiration flowing for it._

 _Also I used Google Translate for most of the Spanish in this chapter so I apologize in advance._

 **Chapter 8: The Boy at the Science Fair**

Stanford Pines did _not_ want to be involved with the school science fair. At all. Unfortunately his coworkers weren't giving him any choice in the matter.

"If you teach a science class you've gotta help with the science fair! It doesn't organize itself!" Welker told him.

Dr. Pines tried his best to get out of it. He made excuses and complained and made it very clear that he was _not interested one bit_. But the encouragement of a paycheck can do a lot to persuade a guy. When the day finally came, the other teachers were worried he'd take his frustration out on the projects he judged. However, when the physics teacher arrived, his salty attitude was gone, replaced with a pensive melancholy. Instead of being harsh on the students' projects, he was the most lax judge of all. His odd behaviour wasn't lost on the other teachers. When they asked Stanford what was up, he shrugged them off and told them it wasn't important.

Ford didn't believe they really cared anyway.

Walking around the science fair was like living in a sad haze. This whole thing was bringing back unpleasant memories that he already dwelled on enough. He didn't want any of these kids to feel the same crushing rejection he'd felt on that day, so he gave them all high marks, even if they maybe didn't deserve it.

And so it continued for years, every spring he dreaded that stressful, sad, but otherwise uneventful day. Until one fateful occurrence in 2002.

* * *

"So Mr. Copley couldn't make it."

"Who?"

"The middle school Earth Science teacher. Apparently his car got vandalized last night or something."

"And now you need someone to judge to middle school projects."

The middle school principal nodded and gave a pleading look. Stanford sighed and pinned a nametag reading 'Dr. Pines' to his shirt. "Alright."

The middle school projects were different from the high school's. For starters, the displays tended to be nicer. It was obvious the parents had done most of the work on a lot of these. The experiments were simpler too, like what kind of cereal got soggy in milk the fastest, or how long did it take a dog to figure out the treat was under something. Ford was more interested in the faces of the kids presenting. Many were bored, most likely here for extra credit or because their parents insisted, but some were genuinely excited or nervous to talk about their experiments. _Those_ were the kids he was looking forward to seeing in his class a few years down the line.

He went through the motions of filling out the evaluation form for each project, running on autopilot, until he came to a kid who was neither excited nor bored. This boy had the sad, frustrated look of someone who had worked very hard on their experiment, only for it to go wrong at the last minute.

The boy was short, and a little tubby, which made him look too young to be in middle school. He had floppy brown hair and little buck teeth. A very cute kid. His display was not as polished as the others, although it definitely had it's own artistic flair. Sitting on his table was a miniature steam engine, but it wasn't running.

"Well kid, why don't you tell me about your project?" Dr. Pines asked kindly, trying to comfort the child.

"Oh, uh, my name is Soos Ramierez, and… uh…" The boy stammered, trying to start his oral presentation, but in the end just giving up. "It's… it's not working. Just go to the next one, I can't make it work."

Ford picked up the tiny engine and looked it over. The kid had a few hand-drawn schematics of the thing taped to his poster-board. They were a little sloppy, but correct.

"Everything appears to be in working order, you just need to light the element to get it boiling." The teacher said, setting it back down.

"I can't light it, I'm not supposed to have an open flame inside the school. Even if I could, I'm not supposed to use matches anyway." Soos said glumly.

"Oh, well, it's not… _technically_ an open flame." Ford muttered, looking around to make sure nobody was watching. He pulled a small lighter out of his pocket and lit the element. He closed the boiler back up and set it back down. "How'd you test it if you couldn't light it?"

"My abuelita helped me." The kid explained. "She usually helps me with a lot of my school stuff, but she doesn't really know about science."

"Your parents aren't around to help you out?" Stanford guessed. Soos shook his head. "So you did all this yourself?"

"Well, I built the engine from a kit I got in the mail, but I had to make the boiler smaller so it would heat up faster." As if on cue, the engine let off a whistle of steam and the pistons started running. The miniature engine chugged around the tiny track.

"That's a smart idea. It'll run out of steam faster, but you don't _need_ it to run long for a two minute presentation." Ford complimented him. "You're a talented kid."

"R-really?" Soos asked, flattered.

Stanford nodded. He knew how important it was for someone to appreciate your talents, and it was clear this kid didn't have much in that department. He remembered when he was a kid, his unimpressed father and distracted mother didn't really take notice of his interest in science until it became clear his genius could bring in some extra cash. Stanley was the only one who'd ever _really_ encouraged him.

At least until their senior year.

Ford tried to shake the thought from his head. Just because the science fair always left _him_ in a sour mood didn't mean he had to go and ruin the experience for _this_ kid.

"Wow, thanks dood!" Soos said gratefully. "My cousin Reggie was totally wrong, you're not scary, you're actually really nice!"

Dr. Pines chuckled awkwardly (because he really had no idea how else to react to that) and handed the kid his evaluation paper.

* * *

It was less than a week later when a phone call woke Ford abruptly one Saturday morning. He'd come home late after a long night of searching the woods for the journals, and had probably only been asleep for a couple of hours when the phone rang.

"mStanford Pines…" He mumbled into the receiver.

"Dr. Pines, it's me, Soos, I need your help!" A young, frantic voice answered. "Uh, I dunno if you remember me, I was the kid at the science fair with the steam engine. Anyway, my tia Luz is outta town this weekend I don't know if this is enough of an emergency for 911 and I don't wanna get in-"

"Whoa kid, slow down!" Ford cut into the boy's rambling. How had he even gotten this number? "Start at the beginning."

"Ok so this morning my Abuelita was making breakfast and I wanted to help her so I decided to make toast, but the toast burned, like, _way_ bad. But the smoke detector didn't go off like it usually does when this happens. So Abuelita figures it's out of batteries and decides to change it then before she forgets, right? But she can't find the step-ladder so she-"

"Ok, not the _beginning_ beginning, just sum up what happened and what you need."

"She fell and hit her head and she's not _unconscious_ , exactly, but I don't think she can drive and I didn't know who to call and your name kinda popped into my head!" Soos said in one breath.

Ford's first thought was to tell the kid to just call 911. But they were dealing with a concussion, so time was of the essence, and the boy had already wasted some of it calling the teacher. Plus, the kid was obviously distraught. Saying 'no' would only make things worse.

"Ok kid, just remain calm. What's your address?" the scientist asked. Soos told him. "Alright, keep her comfortable but _awake_ until I get there."

* * *

Ford arrived in just seven minutes. The house was easy to find. It was one of those places that make it obvious a kid was living there, with toys scattered all over the lawn. He hadn't even reached the door when Soos opened it, the boy's eyes red from crying.

"Where is she?" the scientist asked. Soos led him back into the kitchen, where the kid's grandma was sitting on a chair. He eyes were unfocused; Ford could see even from across the small room that her eyes were dilated.

"Hola hombre misterioso. ¿Te gustaría sopaipillas?" She asked, handing him a bowl of cereal. Her voice was airy and dreamlike.

"Oh, uh, gracias." Ford took the bowl and immediately set it back down. "She needs a doctor." He said, turning to Soos.

"I know, that's why I called you!" The boy replied, a disappointed tone in his voice. "You- you're a doctor, right? _Dr._ Pines?"

Stanford groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. So _that's_ why the kid had called him. "Kid I have a _doctorate in theoretical physics_ , not medicine! I hardly know a thing… uhg, just help me get her into the car."

Ford took her hand gently and leaned down to talk with her. Not for the first time, he wished he'd taken some Spanish classes while he was at college. "Uh, ma'am, I'm going to take you to get help, can you stand?" He coaxed her up. She had a hard time keeping her balance, but between Ford and Soos they kept her upright and got her into the car. She muttered softly to herself as the teacher drove.

"I messed up, didn't I?" Soos asked after a few awkward seconds.

"Oh, well…" Stanford didn't want to make the kid feel worse, but this was not the right thing to do in an emergency. "You _really_ should have called 911 instead, but… you at least kept your wits about you enough to call _someone_ and take care of your grandma until help arrived. I'm sure the hospital will be able to take care of her and everything will be fine, so it all turned out ok in the end."

"Oh, yeah." The kid said, still a little glum. "I guess so."

They pulled up to the hospital and Ford ended up spending almost two hours sitting with the Ramierez boy in the waiting room while the doctors checked up on his grandma. As the time wore on Soos became more comfortable with the old teacher and ended up chattering away about his hobbies. The kid rambled on about his favorite video games, both at home and at the arcade.

Stanford tried to do his best to relate. "Ah yes, I used to go to that arcade." Back when he didn't spend every waking moment worrying about the portal. "I used to quite enjoy video games when I was younger. One of my first repair jobs here was a Colecovision, and I think I've still got an Atari 2600 tucked away somewhere… if I haven't gutted it for parts."

"A what?" Soos asked, confused.

"Oh, those were the _original_ game consoles," Ford explained "long before Nintendo and Sony even entered the playing field with their Gamecubes and Playstations." He may not have had time for videogames anymore, but he kept abreast of current gaming trends by listening in on his students.

"Oh, my dad sent me a Gamecube for Christmas this year!" The boy squeaked excitedly.

"Well, that's a pretty nice gift."

"Uh… yeah…" Soos agreed, but his expression turned glum. "It _is_ pretty nice but… it's not what I _really_ wanted."

Ford was surprised, Soos hadn't struck him as the greedy spoiled type. "Oh, you'd rather have gotten a Playstation?"

"No!" The kid replied indignantly. "I… I just wanted my dad to come visit me for once."

Stanford immediately felt horrible for jumping to conclusions. "Forget your dad! If he can't be bothered to see you, he doesn't deserve you." He advised the boy.

Soos looked at him with a hurt expression and Ford realized that might not have been the most tactful thing to say.

"I-I… he wants to see me! He said in the Christmas card, he promised he's coming for my birthday this summer! He _promised_!"

The scientist at least knew better than to burst the kid's bubble again, so he merely smiled sadly at the boy and said "Maybe he'll bring you a Playstation when he comes."

* * *

Soos's father never came. It didn't really surprise Stanford when he found the kid sitting on his porch in a funk that July. It wasn't the first time a student had come to his house in the summer when they needed help, but Soos was certainly the youngest one yet. Ford tried to cheer up the kid by digging out his old Atari and playing some vintage games together. When that didn't work, he showed the kid around the repair garage, which was mostly empty. He didn't have much time to take on repairs these days. It was only natural that the boy gravitate to the largest and most obvious object in the room, even if it was tucked out to the side.

"Whoa, cool old car!" Soos exclaimed as he peeked under the white sheet at the shiny red paint-job underneath. "Why don't you drive _this_ to work Dr. Pines?"

"It's not mine." Ford said hastily. "I'm hanging onto it for… for an old friend. Plus it's not terribly eco-friendly or gas-efficient."

"Oh. It _looks_ totally rad though."

"Yes, well, I've done my best to restore it to it's former glory. It wasn't in _nearly_ this good condition when he left- uh, when he left it with me."

Soos walked around the car until he reached the back. He spied the button to open the trunk and got curious. "Hey, what's in here?" He asked, his finger already on the button."

" _Don't touch that!_ " Ford shouted. The boy jumped back, startled. Stanford regretted shouting the second he saw the kid's scared face. "Sorry, uh, old cars, they're dangerous. No child safety on the inside of the trunk. If you fall in, you might have to chew your way out." He chuckled nervously.

"Okaaaaaay." Soos said slowly as he backed away. "I think I'm gonna go home now."

"Soos wait." The teacher stopped him, "I'm sorry I yelled."

"It's ok dude, people yell sometimes. Earlier Abuelita yelled at my dad, and he wasn't even on the phone with her or anything. Sometimes you just gotta let those emotions out. At least that's what they say on TV."

* * *

Soos came back to visit frequently over the years. When the young man turned 16, he needed a part-time job to help support his family, so Stanford re-opened his repair garage and hired Soos on as an assistant. The scientist insisted he'd been planning on reopening the garage for years, and Soos was too excited to have a real job to question it.

The teen impressed Ford. He'd always known Soos was mechanically talented, but this guy could fix anything! They ended up doing great business.

In just a few years Soos was ready to graduate from high school. Ford was very excited to help his young friend take the next big step in life.

"So where are you thinking of applying to?" Dr. Pines asked. "I don't have a lot of connections to help you out, unfortunately. I know a guy at MIT… that's, ah, _Minnesota_ Institute of Technology, but it's still a good school. Oh, and Virginia Tech! I know it's far, but there's a lady there in the admissions office who graduate from Gravity Falls High back in '01, she could really help you out."

"I was, uh, thinkin' about stayin' here actually." Soos said.

"Oregon State, huh? Well, they're not top of the pack, but you don't _necessarily_ have to go to the best schools to be successful. Speaking from experiance here. You _will_ have to work a lot harder."

"No, I mean stay in Gravity Falls."

Ford stared at his friend like he'd just spoken an alien language.

"Dr. Pines, someone's gotta take care of my Abuelita, and Reggie's too busy chasing girls and stuff. I just don't want her ending up in a nursing home or something."

"Soos, there's not even a community college out here!"

"I know. Maybe I can take online courses through Pheonix University or something. I'm always seein' thier ads online."

"You're not going to find a good job with just a high school diploma!"

"Well I was kinda hoping I could keep workin' in the garage."

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm not going to change your mind, am I?"

"Sorry dude." Soos shrugged.

" _Fine_ , just promise me you'll take the online courses."

 _Author's Notes: Soos is totally the kind of guy who would have thought anyone with the title 'Doctor' in their name studied medicine when he was a kid._

 _Given all the cool toys Soos had as a kid, I wouldn't be surprised if his dad was one of those 'make up for never being around by smothering the kid in gifts' sort._

 _I figure Ford used to really be into video games (The Konami code is in the journal for cryin' out loud) and played them as a quick stress reliever until he started spending his free time with a certain Dorito instead._

 _Going to college is obviously very serious business to Ford. On top of his own experiences, remember what happened to his brother who DIDN'T get a college education._


	9. Brilliant but Lazy

_Author's Notes: Oh boy, I had this chapter all laid out in my head, and then once I finally got the time to sit down and write it I couldn't think of how to actually write it! I hate it when an idea won't take word form! I think I ended up dropping a few parts because this chapter was getting too long (longest chapter so far). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, cuz it was really hard to write for some reason._

 **Chapter 9: Brilliant but Lazy**

Fall of 2011 seemed to be as normal a start to the school year as any. Dr. Pines' physics class was full of a variety of students, some interested in learning about science, some not. Stanford could easily pick out who was going to do well just by looking at how they sat in their chairs. That boy there in the front row, his books were stacked neatly beside him, but he was slumped into his chair tiredly, and his gaze glazed over. B- student if he ever saw one. Another girl in the front row, however, already had her papers spread all over her desk and was watching him intently. Promising. And another girl, sitting dead-center in the middle of the room, with her feet up on the desk and a bag of chips in her hand. Textbook slacker. In fact, her posture was a dead-ringer for how his brother used to sit in class…

Ford shook the thought from his mind and got on with introducing himself to the class. This was not the time to think about such things. As he took role, he learned the slacker girl's name was Wendy Corduroy. Wow, he could still remember hiring her father to build his house. And now he was teaching the guy's daughter. That certainly made him feel old.

Of course, _many_ things made Ford feel old these days.

* * *

Dr. Pines' least favorite thing about being a teacher was grading papers. It was more than just checking that each question had the right answers; it was checking to make sure that they used the right equations and actually did the calculations, and didn't just look up the answer on Wolfram Alpha.

He paused after quickly glancing over one student's homework. 100%. No one else had gotten every question right on this assignment, at least not that he'd graded. Stanford looked at the name scrawled at the top of the page. _Wendy Corduroy_. Wait, really? The _slacker_ girl? He set the paper aside and looked at the scores on all the others. No one else had 100%. Perhaps she'd copied work from multiple sources? No… her work didn't look like anyone else's. In fact, it looked like the simple shorthand of someone who was doing most of the calculations in their head.

It could be possible that the girl was much smarter than she'd originally let on.

* * *

"Wendy, could I speak with you after class?" Dr. Pines asked as the bell rang the next day. A chorus of ' _ooooh_ 's rang through the students. One boy held back at the door as the rest of his classmates left.

"You don't have to wait for me, Robbie." Wendy said with an annoyed eye-roll. The boy's eyes widened and he left in a hurry.

She stood in front of his desk, looking as disinterested as she did during the lesson.

"Now, about your first homework assignment…" Stanford began.

"Let me guess, you think I cheated." She interrupted.

"I didn't say that."

"Whatever, I know how it goes." the redhead said impatiently. "Just, give me a warning or write a note to my dad or whatever. _This'll just be another class I won't even have to bother with the homework…_ " She muttered under her breath.

"Wendy, relax, I don't think you cheated." The teacher assured her. "I was going to ask if it wasn't challenging enough for you."

"...What?" The teen asked, not quite believing what she was hearing.

"You seem bored in class, and this homework is all done in shorthand." Ford explained. "It seems like you already know all this stuff."

"Nah, I'm just a fast learner." She shrugged.

"Well, ideally I'd advance you to the AP Physics class, but since I can't teach that class anymore, _budget cuts_ ," He grumbled, "I thought I'd give you supplementary material with your homework."

"Uh, Dr. Pines, I appreciate what you're trying to do and all," Wendy said apprehensively, "But I _like_ being able to get all my homework done in half-an-hour."

"It wouldn't necessarily be homework." She still didn't look convinced. "You could read it in class instead of paying attention to lecture."

"Ok, I guess I'll give it a shot."

* * *

At first it seemed to be going well. Stanford would give her an extra, advanced question to go with Wendy's advanced reading, and she would work it out with little to no problem. So Ford upped the difficulty even more, until he could tell from the many notes and scribbles on her worksheets that she was actually putting real effort into solving the problems.

But there was no enthusiasm in Wendy's work. One day Ford spied a corner of colorful paper sticking up between the pages of the scientific journal he'd given her. While the other students were working, he walked over to check on her.

"So Wendy, how's the reading on magnetic fields?" He asked casually.

"Oh, it's good." She replied, equally casual.

"Really?" Ford reached down and pulled out a copy of _Indie Fuzz_ out from between the pages.

"Oh-ho, girl genius got _busted_!" One of her friends chuckled beside her.

"Mind your own business, Nate." Dr. Pines reprimanded him. The teacher turned back to Wendy. "What's the matter, you don't like magnets?"

She simply shrugged and went back to reading the article on magnetic fields like nothing had even happened.

* * *

"I don't understand, you've got talent, you could be doing _college-level_ problems, but you seem content just to coast along!" Stanford ranted to her after class. Wendy, as usual, just shrugged it off.

"Just cuz I'm good at it doesn't mean I'm _passionate_ about it like you, alright? Geez, you're just like my dad!"

"Well what can I do to make it more interesting for you?"

"I dunno." She shrugged again "Maybe a _monetary_ reward or something."

"Don't push your luck, kid."

* * *

That weekend, Stanford explained the situation to Soos.

"Soos, I need your help. I don't know what kids these days are interested in! What can I do to make her care about science?"

"Hmmm, have you tried telling her to watch _The Science Guy_?" His friend suggested.

"I'm afraid she may think herself above that."

"I dunno dude, it's different for everyone." Soos said. "Like, _I_ got into mechanics cuz I wanted to build my own videogames and help fix things up at home. Does she like videogames?"

"I honestly have no idea." Ford admitted.

"Well, I know movies with explosions and stuff are pretty cool right now. Maybe show her how to make firecrackers or something?" The young mechanic reasoned.

Considering Wendy's troublemaking nature, teaching her how to make firecrackers probably wasn't a good idea. Stanford thought back to the magazine he'd found her reading. "She likes music, I think."

"Cool, sound is physics stuff!"

"She's bored with just the theoretical equations and work problems, I need something more exciting!" Ford exclaimed. Not for the first time, he wished he could show Wendy, show Soos, show _anyone_ the supernatural phenomena around Gravity Falls. One monster hunt and she'd be hooked.

"I _think_ I have an idea for that." Soos assured him.

* * *

The first day back from Thanksgiving break, Dr. Pines found Wendy before class. He had a YouTube video pulled up on his phone.

"Look at this!" He showed her excitedly.

The teen watched the video with a smile. "Oh yeah, musical Tesla coil, I've seen these kinda videos."

"How would you like to make one?"

"What, seriously?" Wendy asked, a spark of interest in her eye.

"Yes!" Ford exclaimed. "For this year's science fair, you could build one!"

"Woah, wait, I thought you _hated_ the science fair." She pointed out.

"Oh… well… _hate's_ a strong word." Ford said awkwardly. "Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about you. Do you want to make your own musical Tesla coil?"

"Heck yeah dude, that sounds awesome!"

* * *

The three of them made a good team. Wendy looked up a design they could use online and did all the calculations. Soos built everything they needed. Dr. Pines provided the equipment and parts, as well as going over all of their work to make sure no one accidentally blew up the garage.

Once the coil was finished, they had to manipulate the frequency of the sparks it created in order to create tones. While Wendy was experimenting with the charge output, Soos was suggesting what songs they should use.

"Oooh, how about _You've Got a Nice Butt_ by He/She?" He said.

"Uhg, no!" the redhead groaned. "No rap! Beside the fact that the lyrics are dumb and repetitive, we need something with a lot of changing notes to show off what this baby can do!"

"Hmmm, maybe the theme from _Fight Fighters_?" Soos postulated.

"Heh, yeah, that could work. I think videogame music would go good with the electrical sound. Kinda retro, but cool and fun." Wendy agreed.

"Why don't you kids do an Electric Light Orchestra song?" Ford suggested with a chuckle.

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Ok, that's _too_ retro."

"Nice pun though." Soos complimented the scientist.

"Not really." the girl groaned. She opened her web browser and looked up the frequency of all the notes on the chromatic scale, then began to write a program for her electrical output to translate to different notes.

"We're going to have to set it up outside to test it." Stanford said after looking it over. "Soos, do you think it'd fit in the back of your truck?"

"Proooooobably?" The mechanic said, his voice very unsure.

"We could fit it on one of my dad's logging trucks, easy."

"Good, because we're going to have to move it to the school parking lot eventually." Ford reminded them.

"Could probably get my brothers to help move it too." Wendy said.

Ford gave her a funny look. He'd heard her complain about how destructive her brothers were. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Dude, this thing weighs a ton, we're gonna need all the help we can get." She reasoned.

"Right… of course." Stanford nodded. He was being paranoid, as usual. It'd probably be fine… probably.

* * *

The 2012 Gravity Falls School District Science Fair finally rolled around, and things were looking good so far. The tests they'd run last night had all gone off without a hitch, and now all that was left to do was transport it over to the school and get all the wiring set up.

Dr. Pines had arrived at the school very early that morning to do last-minute work for the science fair, but once he had a spare moment, he slipped outside to see how things were going. There was Manly Dan, backing his truck up to the parking spaces nearest the gymnasium doors. Soos, Wendy, and her three brothers were all waving directions. Ford's brilliant mind was now imagining all the millions of ways this could go wrong.

 _I can't watch._ He thought. And yet he couldn't look away. It was like a trainwreck.

The truck was stopped and the three redheaded boys climbed up on the truck bed to lift the Tesla coil up. Ford clenched his teeth. One of those kids wasn't even 10 years old!

"Guys, wait for dad to come help!" Wendy shouted up to them.

"Nah, we got it!" The oldest boy assured his sister.

"It's no big deal for us." The middle child agreed.

"I can do it! I'm strong like dad!" The youngest insisted.

The three boys lifted the great column of steel and wires and slowly tried to walk it down the ramp. Suddenly the youngest dropped his end to blow on his sore hands. The oldest tried to pull back on his end to compensate, but ended up over-correcting. He lost his balance, and tripped over the edge of the ramp, carrying the coil and his two younger brothers with him.

"Oh my gosh, are you guys ok?" Wendy yelped, running to check on the boys. The all gave affirmative groans. "Good." She sighed, then whacked all three upside the head. "What the heck were you guys _thinking_ , I told you to wait for dad!"

Speaking of Dan, the commotion had drawn him away from trying to fix the Sev'ral Times sticker in his window. "What happened here?" he shouted.

"These crazy dorks couldn't wait two minutes and nearly got themselves crushed!" Wendy explained.

As Manly Dan chewed out the three kids, Stanford could only watch in silence. He couldn't believe this was happening. What were the chances? It was _just like_ -

"Hey, Dr. Pines, you ok dude?" Soos asked him. "You look like you got, like, a major headache." Ford hadn't even realized that he was holding his hands up to his temples. He tried to reply, but he was still shocked speechless.

"Maybe you needa sit down for a minute." Soos took the teacher by the arm and led him back into the gymnasium.

By the time the scientist had regained his wits, it was time for him to start judging the other students' projects. Ford always seemed a bit dazed during the science fair, but this year was _especially_ bad. He left the most rehearsed and unhelpful comments on each evaluation form, and he accidentally came back to booths he'd already judged at least twice. At the end of the day there was only one project left to judge. The one he'd been avoiding all day. He took a deep breath and stepped out into the school parking lot.

They had managed to get the Tesla coil standing again, at least, but there was a huge dent in the side, and it looked like Soos had duct-taped the head of the column back on. Wendy was standing a ways back with the controls, trying to get it to work. From the frustrated look on her face, it wasn't going well.

"Can you at least get it to turn on?" Dr. Pines asked as he approached. A highschooler building their own Tesla coil was still pretty impressive, even if it couldn't make music like they'd planned.

"No." Wendy groaned. "Uhg, I we missed a broken circuit when we tried to put it back together. I don't have time to find it though!"

" _I've_ seen it working. _I'll_ give you top marks." The teacher tried to reassure her. "It won't do any good with the judge from the state fair though."

"Yeah, he already came by. Said I should try again next year."

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Wendy's three brothers. She rolled her eyes. "Geez, you guys don't-"

"Wendy, we're really sorry!" The oldest said desperately. The two others nodded. Wendy opened her mouth to reply, but Stanford beat her to it.

" _Sorry_!?" He snapped, "You ruin six months of hard work in a couple of seconds, and all you can say is _sorry_!? She could have easily made it to state science fair with this, maybe even nationals! Scholarships to the best engineering schools in the country-"

"Woah, lay off them!" She yelled at the teacher. "It was just an accident! What makes you think you can tell off my family like that!?"

Ford froze. "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me…" He stammered, and quickly left the scene. As he walked away, he could hear Wendy talking to the boys.

"Look, Barry, Stuart, Dean, you guys don't have to keep apologizing to me. These thing happen. There's nothing we can do about it now, so just don't worry about it..."

* * *

The next day Wendy found Dr. Pines in his classroom, looking even more disheveled than usual.

"Hey, you doin' alright?" She asked.

"Wendy, I am so sorry about yesterday-" He started.

"Man, I am so sick of people apologizing to me!" She rolled her eyes. "Don't worry about it ok? You were super stressed and just had to let it out sometime. I get it. It's fine, my brothers are used to getting yelled at."

"It was still uncalled for."

"Yeeeeah." The teen agreed. They sat in silence for a moment.

"Honestly, I'm kinda glad I won't have to worry about state science fair." Wendy chuckled.

"You would have been great." Ford assured her. It hurt to think about what might have been.

"Why do you even care so much?" The redhead asked. "Not just about the science fair, but about me? None of my other teachers have cared so much about… well, about _me_ caring."

"You have a lot of potential." Stanford said. It was true. It was only part of the whole truth.

"Pch, really, _that_ tired line?"

"I suppose… you remind me of myself at your age." Again, true, but only part of it. More than himself, she reminded him so much of Stanley. Her laid-back demeanor. Her feisty attitude. Her troublemaking antics. Even some of her mannerisms. "I just don't want you to end up making the same mistakes."

"Hey, I think you're doing pretty good as you are." She assured him.

Ford gave a humorless laugh. "You have no clue all the stupid, terrible things I've done. You're already a better person than me."

"Wait, what?" Wendy gave a confused and incredulous laugh in return.

"You forgave your brothers right away."

"Dude, they're my family. I kinda have to." She shrugged. "I know they seem like terrible little scuzzballs, but they're _my_ terrible little scuzzballs, y'know?"

This conversation wasn't making Stanford feel any better. "I wish I did."

* * *

 _Author's notes: One of my favorite things in Gravity Falls is the friendship between Wendy and Grunkle Stan. Since I can't really show that in this fic (yet) I slipped it in here in pointing out that Stan and Wendy share a lot in common, and I think she'd remind Ford a lot of his brother._

 _And yeah, in this AU Wendy is an unrecognized Gifted and Talented kid. I hope no one finds that out-of-character for her. Honestly, for all we know, it could be true in canon. She strikes me as the type that would coast through school and not even care until a teacher came along and MADE her care._

 _"You've got a nice Butt" by HE/SHE is a reference to the song Starlord listens to in the How It Should Have Ended for Guardians of the Galaxy. (HE/SHE = HISHE, get it?)_

 _Also, small reference to Peanutbuttergamer's Hardcore series with the names I gave Wendy's brothers. I'll go back and change their names if we ever get them in canon._


	10. Mabel's Forbidden Love

_Author's Note: Augh! This chapter is so long! 11 pages! 11! But I'm pretty happy with it. Here we FINALLY bring in Dipper and Mabel, like I've been excited to do from the beginning. Let me know how you like the way I handled dialog from the actual episode. I tried not to just make it a straight copy of the script, so I kinda just leave off where it would just be the same thing from the show. I still ended up copying more than I'd like, and that's part of why this chapter is so long, so let me know if you have any better ideas._

 **Chapter 10: Mabel's Forbidden Love**

Dipper Pines gave the most forlorn and obnoxious sigh possible while his mother helped him pack.

"You can moan all you want, you're still going." Mrs. Pines said flatly.

"If this is punishment for the time I accidentally downloaded that virus-" The boy began.

"Don't be ridiculous honey," She assured him as she placed a red T-shirt into his bag, "your father and I just think you and your sister have been spending too much time inside over the school year."

"I spend plenty of time outside…" Dipper whined.

"What did you do yesterday, _besides_ play Minecraft?"

"Uh… watch YouTube..."

"About other people playing Minecraft." His mother finished for him.

"But mom, none of us even _know_ Great Uncle Stanford!" Dipper decided to change the subject.

"That's why it'll be good for you kids _and_ for him too." Mrs. Pines said. "You get a change in scenery, he gets a little help around the house, everyone gets some family bonding."

"So we're just gonna be stuck doing chores all summer?"

"No Dipper, it's just…" His mother trailed off, carefully thinking of how she wanted to word this. "Apparently he… well, it was the 70's, it would've been normal… let's just say his mind isn't what it used to be." Unsurprisingly, this didn't make her son feel any better. "You'll like him, he's supposed to be a scientist!"

"I thought he was a teacher." Dipper said.

"Well, maybe he's a science teacher." She shrugged. "Ok, are you sure that's enough clothes?" The boy nodded. "Ok, let's go check and see if Mabel's all packed."

The two of them left Dipper's room and entered the bright and colorful one next door. There was an enormous pile of multicolored sweaters on the bed, but no sign of his twin sister.

"Dad, have you seen Mabel?" Dipper called down the hall to his father's office.

"I think she's in her room packing!" the man called back.

"No she's not!" Dipper replied. The boy's head turned slowly. Had that pile of sweaters just twitched?

Footsteps sounded as Mr. Pines walked down the hall to his daughter's room. "Huh, I could have sworn I heard her…"

"SNEAK ATTACK!" Mabel appeared in an explosion of colors as she burst out from under her pile of sweaters. "Three targets in one! My new personal best!"

"Woah-oh-oh" their dad chuckled. "Think you've got enough sweaters there, sweetheart?"

"If not, I can always knit more when I get there!" the girl said proudly, ignoring her father's sarcasm.

"Well you can't just carry them all there, get them in your suitcase." Mrs. Pines said with a smile.

Mable lifted the great pile of sweaters and shoved them into her suitcase, then put considerable effort into forcing the thing shut.

"Well that's… one way to do it." Dipper commented. "Is your swimsuit in there?"

She confidently raised a hand, then paused with an annoyed look on her face. "Ah man…"

* * *

"How do you fit all your stuff into one suitcase and a tiny dufflebag!?" Mabel asked jealously as she lugged her two huge suitcases out of the bus.

"Well for starters, I didn't try to pack all the decorations from my room." Dipper replied. He had graciously agreed to carry her large backpack for her. It definitely wasn't because he was trying to prove his manliness after squeeing at the sight of a baby deer on the ride up.

"Here, why don't I give you a hand with that?" the two kids turned to see a tall man with grey hair standing behind them.

"Uh, are you our Great Uncle Stanford?" Dipper asked nervously.

"That's me." He nodded with an equally nervous smile.

Mabel dropped her bags and ran up to give her distant relation a welcome-hug. "Grunkle Stan! It's so nice to finally meet you! I'm Mabel!"

Her Grunkle gave a confused chuckle. "Uh, what was that?"

"Well, 'Great Uncle Stanford' is a mouthful! Grunkle Stan is a lot easier to say." The girl reasoned.

"You can just call me Ford." The old man told her.

"Grunkle Ford it is!" She beamed.

"Haha, yeah!" her brother agreed.

"And you must be Dipper." Stanford extended a hand to the boy.

Dipper took the man's handshake, then paused. Six fingers. His parents hadn't mentioned that. Then Dipper _realized_ that he'd paused. Oh crap, what if he offended Ford? He was going to be living with this man for the next three months. He wanted to make a good first impression. The boy finished the handshake quickly. "Uhhh, yeah! Nice to meet you."

"Alright, let's get your stuff into the car." The old man picked up a couple of bags and carried them off.

 _Phew_ , he hadn't noticed. Good. Dipper knew how awkward being different could be.

* * *

Grunkle Ford's house was an old wooden cabin, far removed from the rest of the town. Mabel thought it looked like a fairytale cottage. Dipper thought it looked like the setting for a horror film. Next to the house was a smaller steel structure; a garage where their great uncle repaired everything from cars to computers to washing machines in his free time.

The kids got settled in the room prepared for them in the attic. It was far from luxurious; the uncovered wooden walls splintered, and a goat had taken residence on Dipper's bed. Mabel quickly covered her wall with posters and plushies, while her brother left his side of the room _au naturel_.

Over the first two days the young twins were introduced to Soos and Wendy, two of Stanford's old students who helped him with the garage. They were around a lot. Even when there weren't any repair jobs to be done, Soos didn't seem to have anything better to do, and Wendy said she liked to get out of her house.

Next Dipper and Mabel went out into the town to explore, but the anxious boy soon wished he hadn't. Mabel was determined to flirt with every boy they came across, and in the most blatant and embarrassing ways possible.

"Mabel, could you dial down the boy-crazy stuff?" He asked his sister after a particularly silly ploy involving a rigged note. "You're freaking people out!"

"Pbbbt! Nuh-uh!" The girl in the sweater scoffed. "Dipper, this is my first Summer away from home! My first chance to live my own life! My chance to find true love!"

"You're twelve."

"Doubt all you want, Doubty-McDoubterson, but I have a good feeling about this summer! I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked down the street _right now_!"

A small man with big eyes, elephantine ears, a _huge_ nose, and weird mustache walked out of a building labeled _The Gravity Falls Gossiper_. He struck a very awkward figure. "Howdy-doo new neighbor. Nyah."

"Eyaugh!" Mabel ran away screaming, back in the direction of Grunkle Ford's house.

"Uh, sorry!" Dipper apologized halfheartedly to the weird man before following her.

It was a twenty-minute walk back to the house, but with Mabel's running they made it in ten. Dipper was exhausted and had to lie down on the ground.

"What's gotten into you two?" Ford asked from his seat on the porch.

"Destiny just gave me a bad sign! Like the _worst_ sign ever!" Mabel panted.

Their Grunkle frowned. "There's no such thing as destiny." He said seriously.

"She's just joking aro-hey!" Dipper was cut off when the goat from earlier bit onto his hat. "Give it back, Gompers!" The goat bleated, and took a few steps back from the yelling boy. He made a dive for the hat, but that just served to scare the goat into the woods. "Come back here!"

"Dipper, don't go into the forest alone!" Stanford yelled after him, but the kid was either already out of hearing range or simply too preoccupied with retrieving his hat to care.

"He'll be fine." Mabel assured the old man. He gave her a worried stare. "Buuuut, if it makes you feel better, then Mabel is on the case!"

* * *

Dipper chased the goat a good distance into the woods. He'd finally cornered the thing against a large tree, just out of sight of the road leading back into town.

"Ok, easy Gompers, I just want my hat back…" He said slowly, even though it was clear the goat had already eaten more than half the brim. He charged forward suddenly, trying to catch the animal off-guard, but Gompers just jumped out of the way again.

 _Clang_! Dipper crashed into the tree.

Wait… _clang_?

Trees don't clang…

Dipper felt the bark of the tree and found it wasn't a tree at all, but a metal tower disguised to blend in with the forest. There was a seam in the artificial bark. The boy worked his fingers into the crack, opening a hidden panel. He played with the switches he found inside. Nothing seemed to happen at first. Then he heard Gompers bleat again.

Dipper turned to find the goat had dropped his hat, and picked up some kind of book from a box that had opened up in the ground.

"Hey! Gompers, _bad_ goat! Give it here!" he grabbed the book, but the goat still had the front cover in its mouth. Dipper pulled, and with a loud _rip_ , the book came free, leaving a good two thirds of the cover in the goat's jaws.

"Uuuuhg, stupid goat…" The boy groaned, trying his best to clean up the strange book. It was bound in deep red leather, with gold trimmings on it. Some shape had been inlaid in gold on the cover, but Gompers had ripped off the top half, so it was hard to say what it was supposed to be. A boat? A handprint? A wing? A face? Unless he wanted to make that goat barf, he would probably never know. Some number had been written there, but the rip made it hard to make out. Probably a 3, but maybe a 5? A tiny magnifying glass was tied to the spine, like a ribbon bookmark.

Dipper flipped it open and began to read.

" _It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon_." He read. "Woah… what is all this?" He stopped when he came to a page with _TRUST NO ONE!_ scrawled across the bottom. " _Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before_ he _finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust._ No one you can trust…"

Further reading was interrupted by the arrival of Mabel. "HELLO!" She shouted right behind him, making her brother squeal and almost drop the Journal. "Whatch'a readin'? Some nerd thing?"

* * *

Dipper and Mabel ran back to the house. The boy was excited to show the mysterious book to his sister. He was just getting to the part where the writing suddenly stoped when the doorbell rang.

"Who's that?" He asked.

"Welp, looks like it's time to spill the beans!" Mabel knocked over a can of beans she had undoubtedly set there just to make that pun. "Boop! Beans. _This_ girl's got a date! Woot woot!"

"Wait, while I was chasing a goat you _found a boyfriend_?"

"Yep! I have an _uncanny_ talent for these things! _Woo-oo-ooo_!" She shook her loose sleeves above her head in a crude imitation of a ghost. She got up to answer the door.

Dipper hid away the Journal under his seat cushion. This wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to share with some random guy Mabel'd picked up off the street.

* * *

Stanford came downstairs at the sound of the doorbell. He found Dipper sitting in the recliner, staring at a TV that was not even turned on.

"Who's at the door?" The scientist asked.

"Mabel's new boyfriend." Dipper said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, uh… good for her, I suppose." Ford said awkwardly. He was used to highschoolers having boyfriends, but middleschoolers? "Isn't… isn't she a bit young?"

"Try telling _her_ that."

"Hey family!" Mabel came in dragging a tall boy in a dirty black hoodie. "Meet my new boyfriend!"

"'Sup" The stranger said.

"Hey." Dipper gave his usual simple greeting.

Ford narrowed his eyes and took a close look at the guy. Really? Who did those gnomes think they were fooling? This was their most elaborate scheme to steal human food yet. But how was he going to break this to Mabel? He couldn't just tell her 'Your boyfriend is actually a stack of gnomes'. As long as the Society of the Blind Eye was still active, he couldn't risk telling these kids _anything_ about the supernatural creatures in Gravity Falls. But he wasn't about to let these gnomes use his niece.

"What's your name?" Dr. Pines asked suspiciously.

"Uh… normal… man…" The head gnome was putting on a deep voice, trying to sound as human as possible.

"He means Norman." Mabel said dreamily.

"Uh-huh." Ford stepped over and put a large hand on her shoulder, pulling her away from the fake teenager. "Mabel, you can't date this boy, I forbid it!"

" _What_!?" she asked incredulously. "Wh-why not? You're not even going to give him a chance?"

"He's a troublemaker. I can tell these things, I'm a teacher." Technically true, but not the whole truth. "Now, get out of my house, and don't come back, you all understand?"

The disguised gnomes staggered out the door, sharing a lingering glance with Mabel before going.

"I-I can't _believe_ you Grunkle Ford!" Mabel half yelled, half sobbed at him. "He was my first boyfriend, and you just… just turned him away before I even had a chance to get to know him! How could you be so _cruel_?" She ran up the stairs to the attic in a dramatic huff.

"Woah…" Dipper breathed as the two Pines men watched her go.

"I was too harsh on her, wasn't I?" Stanford asked. He couldn't treat these two like his students. They were younger, _and_ they were his family.

"Oh, uh, yeah, I guess…" Dipper stammered, "But, _you_ noticed there was something off about that guy too?"

Oh boy. This kid was smart, he'd figure it out on his own if he kept digging. How was Ford going to throw him off the trail?

"Well, he's just a typical goth teen." Ford lied. "Not at all your sister's type, I think."

"No, I mean like… there was something really _weird_ about him! I think he had blood on his face!" Dipper persisted. "And-and the way he walked! What if he's like… y'know, not _human_?"

The kid's instincts were right on the money, but Stanford couldn't let him know that. If Dipper knew about the stranger side of Gravity Falls, that could put him in a lot of danger. Not just from the Blind Eye, but from the other supernatural being in the area. Ford knew from experience, once you found yourself involved with the paranormal, more and more seemed to pop up everywhere.

"Dipper, I know this place can seem creepy at times, but there's no solid scientific documented evidence of paranormal _anything_ in Gravity Falls." He'd been lying about this stuff for most of his life, but he still felt a twinge of guilt. It didn't feel right to shoot down the kid when he was so close to the truth.

The boy shifted in his seat, but dropped the subject…

* * *

Mabel was sitting in the attic, moping, when she heard something knock against the window. She peeked out to see Norman standing just on the edge of the forest, just in view of the window. He waved her down jerkily.

The colorful girl gasped and nodded, running out the door and down the stairs. She had almost made it outside when she bumped into Dipper.

"Hey, where'er you going?" Her brother asked. He was holding that Journal he'd found earlier.

"Norman's waiting for me outside!" She whispered excitedly.

"What? No, Mabel, Grunkle Ford said-"

"I know! Forbidden love! Isn't it romantic?"

"Mabel, that's what I was coming up to tell you! Norman is _not_ what he seems!"

She gasped. "D'you think he's a vampire? That would be so awesome!"

Dipper shook his head. "Guess again, sister! Sh-bam!"

"Uuuh…" She wasn't sure what to make of the gnome page.

"Oh wait sorry…" He turned a couple of pages. "Sh-bam!"

"A zombie? That's not funny, Dipper!"

"No, I'm serious!" He insisted.

Mabel groaned. "Uhg, Norman's waiting for me, I don't have time for your crazy conspiracies!" She pushed past him and out to the waiting stranger. The two of them hurried off to their date before Ford could notice she was gone.

"Nonononono!" Dipper ran around to the garage, where he found Soos and Wendy fixing up an old golf cart. "Guys! Where's Grunkle Ford?"

"I dunno." Wendy shrugged. "Taking a nap or whatever he does most afternoons."

"Augh, alright. I need to borrow the golf cart to save my sister from a zombie!"

Wendy tossed him the keys nonchalantly. "Try not to hit any pedestrians."

"Oh, dude, if you're going up against zombies…" He picked out a shovel from the tool shed "It's dangerous to go alone, take this!"

Dipper smiled. "Thanks."

* * *

Dipper hadn't traveled far before he heard Mabel's screams. He heart leapt into his throat. Oh no! What if he was too late! No, no, he couldn't give up hope yet. He had to save her!

He followed the sound of her screaming into a strange, glowy part of the forest that was more fungus than wood. Soon he came upon a clearing where he found Mabel and, instead of the zombie Norman, a bunch of gnomes.

"What the _heck_ is going on here!?" He asked, completely confused.

* * *

The young twins managed to get almost all the way back to Grunkle Ford's house before the giant gnome constructed of regular gnomes caught up to them. Then the thing swung a tree at them and managed to knock their golf cart over.

"Stay back, man!" Dipper yelled at Jeff, throwing his shovel. The gnome construct just punched it out of the air.

"It's the end of the line, kids!" Jeff cackled. "Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!"

"Uh… there's gotta be a way out of this…" The boy pulled out the Journal and flipped through the pages, trying to find a quick solution.

"I gotta do it." Mabel said, her voice not defeated, but determined.

"What!? Mabel are you _crazy_?" Dipper hissed.

"Trust me for once!" She whispered back. She seemed to have a plan. So Dipper gulped, nodded, and took a step back. "Ok Jeff, I'll marry you."

"Hot diggity dog!" Jeff exclaimed, and he awkwardly made his way down the gnome construct. Once he reached the bottom he pulled out an admittedly nice wedding ring. "Eh? Eh? Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!"

"You may now kiss the bride!" Mabel said coyly. Dipper almost puked. Jeff looked like Christmas had come early.

"Don't mind if I do!" the head gnome leaned in for some smooching.

Mabel smirked and pulled out a leaf blower from under a pile of leaves. She flicked the thing onto reverse, pulling the unwitting gnome in. "That's for lying to me!" She increased the power. " _That's_ for breaking my heart! And this…" She handed the leaf blower over to Dipper, "Is for messing with my brother! You wanna do the honors?"

"Let's do it together." He suggested. "On three. One, two…"

"Three!" The said together, turning it back to blow, full force. Jeff was propelled into the gnome construct like a missile, and the whole thing exploded in a burst of pointy red hats and tiny beards. With their leader taken out, the rest of the gnomes scampered back into the forest.

"Hey Dipper…" Mabel said as they watched the last gnome get dragged off by Gompers. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you or Grunkle Ford earlier. You really were just looking out for me."

"Oh, don't worry about it. Besides, you totally just saved our lives!" Her twin reassured her.

"I guess I'm just sad my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes…"

* * *

Stanford came outside to check on the kids. They'd been almost _too_ quiet all afternoon, and then suddenly there'd been a few big crashes he could hear all the way from down in the portal lab. He'd rushed outside, only to find nothing but the two children hugging awkwardly.

"What was all that noise?" He asked worriedly.

"Oh uh… we crashed the golf cart." Dipper explained haltingly. "While… messing around with the leaf blower?"

Ford looked over at the cart lying on it's side. Wow, twelve-year-olds were more destructive than he thought. "Well… at least nobody got hurt, right?"

"Yup!" The kids agreed simultaneously, with enormous, strained grins on their faces. That wasn't suspicious at all.

The three of them walked into the house, and Ford glanced at a posty-note stuck on the stairs' rail near his eye-level.

"Oh, right! While I have you two here, I wanted to tell you something." He knelt down and looked at the girl. "Mabel, I'm sorry for being so… well, _blunt_ with you earlier. The _last_ thing I wanted was to make you upset."

"It's OK Grunkle Ford, you were right about Norman. He was nothing but trouble." Mabel reassured him.

The scientist was surprised. Had she found out about the gnomes? No, she would have said something about it… wouldn't she?

He pushed it to the back of his mind. "Well, I'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way." He turned to the boy "And Dipper, I'm sorry about Gompers eating your hat. That goat is always eating things he shouldn't, but I can't seem to get rid of him. So… here." He picked up a blue and white hat that'd been sitting on the end of the stair's rail.

"Ah, thanks!" Dipper exclaimed and pulled the hat on. It fit just how he liked it, snuggly covering his birthmark. "You didn't have to buy a new one for me."

"Oh, it was no trouble." Ford assured him. "It's from the school. They're always giving me merchandise with that pinetree stamped on it. Hats, jerseys, coffee mugs, big foam fingers…"

"Well I like it, so... thanks."

"Haha, you _already_ said thanks, you dork!" Mabel giggled.

* * *

Later that night Dipper was writing his own entry in the Journal while Mabel jumped on her bed. He had just wrote "leaf blowers" on the gnomes' page, in the blank for weaknesses.

"Hey Mabel, how did you know that leaf blower trick would work?"

"Well, it works on the squirrels back home!"

"...Huh." He smiled. Maybe he couldn't trust anyone in Gravity Falls. But Mabel wasn't from Gravity Falls.

She was his twin sister.

* * *

 _Author's notes: Woof. Tons of behind-the-scenes stuff for this chapter._

 _First of all, Dipper and Minecraft is a send-up to my youngest brother, who is JUST LIKE Dipper, except with blond hair. He loves Minecraft, and my parents always say he plays too much, so I thought it fit._

 _Ford thinks the gnomes are trying to use Mabel to steal human food because he either doesn't know the gnomes have a queen, or doesn't know they're looking for a new one and therefore doesn't know Mabel's in actual danger. Normally the gnomes aren't a threat as long as you don't anger them._

 _Ford is an old overdramatic dork. Mabel is a young overdramatic dork._

 _Again, let me know how you feel I handled lifting the script from the episode, and give me suggestions on how to maybe do it better without every chapter being 11 pages long._


	11. Monster Hunt

_Author's Notes: I tried to finish it in time for my birthday, heck, I tried to finish it before the new episode aired! But life happened and this just isn't top priority. Enjoy the newest chapter! It might take your mind of the terror going on in the show for a while._

 **Chapter 11: Monster Hunt!**

The first thing Mabel noticed in Grunkle Ford's house was all the books and computers. When they'd first arrived, Dipper had looked like he was in heaven, but Ford had quickly warned the boy that none of these computers were for gaming. They were strictly for research purposes. The books were also largely peer-reviewed scientific journals, although there were a handful of mystery books Dipper had managed to find.

The next thing Mabel didn't notice at first, but became more and more obvious the longer she was there, was the amount of posty-notes everywhere. They were scattered here and there on the walls and the stairs' railing and on mirrors, which was a _bit_ odd, but not unheard of. But then they started showing up in the weirdest places. In the cupboards and closets, sticking out between the pages of books, and even in the fridge. While some of them were just simple reminders (Eggs expire 6/13) others appeared to be written in gibberish (Qhz sduwv frplqj wklv zhhnhqg) or were just a string of numbers (19-8-5-18-13-25'19 7-11-9-4-19 14-1-13-5-19: 4-9-16-16-5-18 1-14-4 13-1-2-5-12).

"Dipper, have you noticed all the weird posty-notes everywhere?" She asked her brother at breakfast that morning.

"Yeah, but mom _did_ say Grunkle Ford's mind 'wasn't what it used to be'. Sometimes old people forget stuff, so they need to write it down." Dipper reasoned.

"But some of them are just numbers and stuff! Look" She handed him a note she had pulled from off the cereal box.

"Huh…" the curious boy took a closer look. "Looks like a code or something. Why would he leave posty-notes in code?"

Mabel shrugged.

"I think there's a page on codes in th-" Dipper suddenly clammed up at the sound of Ford walking into the kitchen.

"Hey kids, how's your morning been?" He asked cheerfully.

"Oh, uh, I was just showing Mabel this thing I saw in Wacky News." The boy changed topics suddenly, pulling out a black and white magazine.

"Whoa!" She gasped. "Human-sized Hamster Balls!?"

"What? No, the other page." He pointed to an ad for a photo contest. The picture of the weirdest thing would win a prize of a thousand dollars. Last year's prize winner was a guy taking a selfie with a rather hairy man. "We see weirder stuff than this out here!"

Ford shook his head as he rummaged through the pantry, pulling out canned food. "The weirdest stuff out here are the locals." And that was sort of true. Stanford had a much easier time understanding the machinations of the paranormal than the day-to-day workings of Gravity Falls' townsfolk.

As their Grunkle noisily bussied himself gathering up food, Dipper leaned over to whisper. "Did you get any pictures of those gnomes yesterday?"

"No, but I could draw one!" Mabel said.

"Don't think that'll cut it." the boy said.

Where else could they find a good weird thing to photograph? The woods? Nah. Sure, there was plenty of stuff there, but the thick underbrush made it almost impossible to find. Where else was there plenty of wildlife? ? The lake!

"Grunkle Ford, could we go down to the lake today?" Dipper asked.

"Hmm?" The old man looked up from searching through the pantry. "Sure, I just need to run an errand first."

"Yay!" Mabel cheered. "Errand adventure!"

Ford gathered up all the cans he had collected, along with a loaf of bread, jar of peanut butter, and tube of sunblock. He dropped them in a bag along with a set of new cloths.

"What's that for?" Dipper asked him.

"You'll see."

* * *

The car pulled over next to the Gravity Falls dump. Stanford could see the young twins share a confused glance in his rear-view mirror. This _was_ a weird place to run an errand. It would have made more sense if he were dumping some scrap from the repair shop, he should have thought of that. Instead he had this bag of food and clothes. Oh well, he'd have to explain to them later.

They all got out of the car. Dipper was about to ask a question, but Ford motioned for him to be quiet. The scientist peaked around the fence to check the inside of the dump. No sign of anyone. Good. He waved the kids in and snuck towards a small structure made of junk in the middle of the yard. He couldn't hear anyone. He gave a sigh of relief and set the bag of goods down in front of the hanging cloth that passed as a door.

"Looks like he's not home." he said.

"Who?" Mabel asked.

"Someone _lives_ here?" Dipper asked in disbelief.

"Fiddleford McGucket. He's an old homeless man." Stanford explained. "I just… do what I can to help." He suddenly found himself at a loss for words. "Come on, we'd better go before he sees us."

"Why?" Mabel inquired.

"He won't take it." ... _if he knows it's from me_. Ford finished in his head. Most of the time Fiddleford didn't even recognize him anymore, but when he did it was always a toss-up how he'd react. Sometimes with fear and anger, yelling at Stanford to leave him alone. Sometimes with guilt, trying to avoid him. Sometimes with a cheerful greeting, like nothing had ever happened between them.

"Why even bother then?" Dipper wondered.

Ford sighed. He'd asked himself that question many times. He knew McGucket never took the clothes, regardless of whether his old partner knew who they came from or not, yet he still included them when he could.

"Because it's a selfless act of service, Dipper!" Mabel answered for him. "Grunkle Ford's a good person!"

Stanford frowned at that. No he wasn't. This wasn't selfless at all. It was a futile effort to assuage his own guilt.

* * *

If Stanford had been hoping the lake would take his mind of McGucket, he was sadly mistaken. He'd no sooner set out a picnic blanket on the beach when the crazy old coot came running through the crowd (it seemed like the whole town was there today) in a loud panic.

"I see'd it! I see'd it again!" He ran through, pushing people aside and toppling fishing equipment. He finally came to a stop outside the fishing license office, where he began dancing frantically.

"Aaaw, he's doing a happy jig!" Mabel cooed.

"No!" McGucket got right up in her face. "It's a jig of great danger!"

"Hey, hey!" A middle-aged man stepped out of the office and sprayed down the old coot with a squirt-bottle. "What'd I say about scaring off my customers? This is your last warning, dad!"

"But I've got proof, by-gummity!" He scampered down the dock and pointed to a pile of driftwood that might have been a smashed boat. "It's the Gobblewonker what did it! It smashed m'boat to smitheroons and shimmy-shammed off to Scuttlebutt Island! It had a long neck like a gee-raff, and-" He halted when he locked eyes on Stanford. Suddenly McGucket shrieked "You! You stay away from me! You'll doom us all! _You'll doom us all_!"

And with that, the old coot fled, disappearing into the confused crowd.

"I'm sorry you kids had to see that." Ford said tensely. The kids didn't seem to notice him or his tone of voice, they were too busy conspiring together.

"Mabel, did you hear that!?" Dipper asked excitedly, "With a picture of the lake monster, we'd win that photo contest for sure!"

"We could _both_ have human-sized hamster balls!" She squeed.

"Grunkle Ford, forget the picnic, let's get on a boat and find the Gobblewonker!" The boy told his guardian.

"Monster hunt!" Mabel cheered. Dipper soon joined in. "Monster hunt! Monster hunt! Monster hunt!"

"Sorry kids, I haven't got a boat." Ford informed them. "And besides, there's no monsters in this lake. Not unless you count invasive species choking out the native wildlife. Maybe you can help me take water samples instead."

"Uuuuuh… not that that doesn't sound fun, buuuut…" Mabel stammered, then whispered to her brother "Dipper, how do we get out of this?"

As if on cue, a horn blared, and a boat labeled _S. S. Cool Dude_ pulled up beside them on the dock.

"Sup hambone?" Soos called down to the girl in the sweater. "You dudes say somethin' 'bout a monster hunt?"

"Yeah-ha!" Dipper laughed, "You-you'd give us a ride out to the Island?"

"What are friends with boats for, dude?" The young man said. "Well, fishing too, I guess. And maybe if you wanted like, to go tubing or wake-boarding."

The young twins clambered up into Soos's boat and pulled on life jackets.

"Grunkle Ford, aren't you coming?" Dipper asked when he noticed the old man hadn't come aboard.

"Ah, no, I… I've got to take those water samples."

"Oh come on Grunkle Ford!" Mabel coaxed, but Soos put a hand on her shoulder to quiet her.

"Suit yourself dude! See ya!" With that they took off.

"He didn't wanna come with us…" the girl said with a disappointed sigh.

"Yo, don't take it too personally hambone." Soos comforted her. "Dr. Pines has always had this weird thing about monsters and stuff. Like, I'm always noticing strange stuff in this town, but whenever I bring it up he's just like 'There's no such thing as werewolves or whatever Soos.' and gets all grumpy and frowny and stuff."

"Isn't he _usually_ like that?" Dipper pointed out.

"Yeah, but I mean like, more than the normal amount. So basically, if you wanna go on a monster hunt, you're better off lettin' your uncle stay behind and do his own thing."

* * *

Stanford didn't care that they'd left without him. Not one bit. Of course not. It'd been his choice, technically, so why should he be upset? They were with Soos, so why should he be worried? He threw the water monitor into the lake with much more force than necessary. It splashed a small wave of water onto him. He gave a frustrated grunt.

"Pines." A familiar voice said behind him.

"Hello Tate." Dr. Pines turned to see Fiddleford's son. "How is he?"

"You saw him." The stoic young man said.

"Right…" Ford rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry. But, I meant… is he taking care of himself?"

Tate scoffed. "He lives in the dump, what do you expect?"

"You haven't been visiting him, have you?" No response. "Tate, he's your own father!"

"What am I supposed to do, huh?" The man asked tersely. "He won't listen to me, he barely understands what's going on around him anymore! He's constantly causing trouble. I can't stand it anymore! I hate seeing him like this. I have my own life to live, I can't keep dropping everything to take care of my dad!"

"At least he always remembers who _you_ are." Ford pointed out.

"Because he never _wanted_ to forget me." Tate said. " _I_ never did anything to scare him witless."

Stanford turned away. He may not be able to see the young man's eyes, but he could feel their stare boring into him. Tate McGucket was probably the only person in town who remembered Stanford Pines as a paranormal researcher, not a physics teacher. Ford knew Tate blamed him for what had happened to Fiddleford, and he had every right to hate him. But the two of them had been working together for years to try and help the old coot. Even though he usually refused charity and often squandered, threw away, or lost what he did accept.

"If you ever need help-" Ford started.

"There's nothing you or I _can_ do to help." Tate stated simply. "I've come to accept that. All we can do is just let him go on not remembering. He seems happier that way."

Dr. Pines scowled. "That's Blind-Eye talk."

"I know." The man grimaced. "If you ever find a way to reverse what he's done to himself, I'll take it back. But given it's been almost 30 years, I am _not_ confident in your success."

* * *

After heading back to shore to get sunblock, bait and more cameras than any person could reasonably need, the trio of monster hunters arrived at the island. Mabel and Soos had begun rapping to pass the time. Under different circumstances, the boy would have laughed goodnaturedly at them, or even joined in. But instead he remained tense and alert. That uncomfortable feeling he'd had since arriving in Gravity Falls, that he was being watched, had grown. It was this island. It felt strange, almost like the very ground was alive.

"Dipper, take a verse!" Mabel poking him in the back. The nervous boy jumped a foot in the air. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya."

"Wha-uh, I'm not scared." Dipper scoffed.

"Pch, yeah you _are_!" his sister insisted, poking his nose.

"No-" He was cut off as she poked his nose again. "Mabel stop!"

Their arguing was interrupted by a rumbling growl. They all froze.

"Soos, please tell me that was your stomach." Dipper said flatly.

"Nah dude, my stomach sounds more like whale noises."

"It must be the Gobblewonker!" Mabel exclaimed with a big grin. "Yes!"

Her enthusiasm was infectious. Soon the young twins were excitedly punching each other as they snuck towards the noise. Only Soos remained alert, grabbing a long log to use as a weapon should the need arise.

They came upon a small bay, but rather than the Gobblewonker, they found a family of adorable beavers. The sound had been coming from a beaver with a rusty old chainsaw.

"Dude, if 'beaver with a chainsaw' doesn't win the photo contest, the thing is rigged." Soos said, and proceeded to take pictures.

"We left Grunkle Ford behind for nothing…" Mabel said sadly, kicking a rock into the water.

Instead of a splash, they heard a thud. Dipper held up the lantern, trying to see further into the fog. A blurry figure of a long-necked monster was revealed.

"Omigosh guys this is it!" the boy yelped in excitement, pulling out one of his many cameras. But before he could line up a shot, Soos had picked him up and pulled him back. Just in the nick of time, too, as the Gobblewonker lunged forward, snapping at where he had been a second before.

"Run!" The eldest of the trio shouted, and run they did. All the way back to the boat. And yet the lake monster was on their tail the whole way. They were at least able to get into the boat and start it up before the thing splashed into the water behind them. Soos pulled a fancy maneuver and swung the boat around as the wave the Gobblewonker created crashed into them. The _S.S Cool Dude_ shot off at full speed.

"Dude, did we lose it?" Soos asked, too busy dodging smaller boats at high speeds to look back.

"Uh, I think so." Mabel said. She couldn't see anything behind them anymore.

Dipper looked down at the water, and saw a trail of bubbles and a dark shape keeping pace just behind them. "No, wait! Hand me one of the extra cameras!"

* * *

Ford was still sitting on the picnic blanket, trying to read a book, but his mind kept wandering, alternating between worrying about the kids or McGucket. His eyes kept wandering to the lake, where he could just make out Soos' boat moored to the shore of Scuttlebutt Island.

This time when he looked up, the boat had moved. It was now speeding around like a racer, weaving in-and-out of the other boats on the lake. What were those kids up to? Suddenly, a fishing boat behind them was overturned, like something big had swam under it. Stanford stood with a start and pulled a pair of binoculars out of the picnic basket.

No… it couldn't be!

Bubbles on the water.

He ran to the fishing license office, yelling. "Tate! It's back! I just saw-"

"Bubbles on the lake." The man met him at the door. "I know, I saw it too. We need to evacuate the lake." He moved to a BLM boat moored by the office. "Get in."

"My great-niece and nephew are out there." Ford informed the ranger worriedly as he climbed aboard.

Tate nodded. "We'll find 'em after we get everyone else cleared off." He picked up a microphone attached to a set of loudspeakers. " **Attention all lake patrons, this is an evacuation! I repeat, this is an evacuation! Please proceed calmly and quickly to the shore!** "

"What the heck are we evacuating for!?" Manly Dan called out across the water, with no need for a microphone.

" **DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, JUST GET OFF THE WATER**!" The ranger yelled back.

Everyone complied rather quickly after that. Tate McGucket was not one who normally raised his voice. This must be serious.

In less than a minute the lake was clear of all but two boats. The BLM patroler, and the S. S. Cool Dude. Soos's boat had just rounded a peninsula, headed towards the waterfall. A trail of bubbles followed them at an alarming speed.

Tate gunned the engine, and they sped off, catching up in just a minute. They were indeed headed _straight_ for the waterfall. Did they know about the cave back there? Suddenly, Ford had an idea. He grabbed the microphone and called out to the others. " **Soos! Cut the engine and swerve to the side right before the waterfall!** "

He could see all three turn with a start. They'd been so scared of the monster pursuing them they hadn't noticed the other boat.

"Oh man, I dunno if I remember any semaphore… uh…" He could barely hear Soos say. The manchild turned away from the boat controls and pulled a couple of flags out from under a seat.

" _I got it_!" Mabel shouted, taking the controls. As they came upon the waterfall, she followed her Grunkle's instructions. As the water shallowed, the monster was revealed. A great, grey plesiosaur-like creature. The Gobblewonker. Not the Island-Head.

"Well, _that's_ not what I was expecting." Ford muttered as the creature shot under the waterfall and wedged itself in the small cave opening. As he'd predicted, it became stuck, unable to move forward into the cave, but unable to maneuver itself back out either.

Dipper frantically searched for a camera, until Mabel pulled one from under his hat. "Yes! This is perfect!" The boy cheered as Ford and Tate pulled their boat up to the _S. S. Cool Dude_. "Look Grunkle Ford, a _real_ lake monster! What do you say to that!?"

Ford's mind was racing, trying to figure out all the explaining he was going to need. Then suddenly there was a rumble and a _thunk_ , as though the Gobblewonker had caused a cave-in on the other side of the waterfall. Suddenly it stopped moving, but it made an odd, almost _mechanical_ sound as it did so.

Mabel gasped and covered her mouth with a hand. "Did we… _kill_ it?" She asked, her voice cracking.

"No, I don't think…" Dipper murmured, and climbed onto the nearest flipper, which was touching their boat. "Just a second, let me check something."

"Dipper, please be careful!" Ford cautioned him.

"It's ok, I got this!" The boy assured him. He reached the body of the beast and tapped it experimentally. _Clang clang._

It wasn't a real Gobblewonker after all! It was just a machine! And suddenly, all the pieces clicked in Stanford's brain. "Oh no…" He slapped a large hand to his forehead.

Dipper continued to climb until he found a hidden hatch in the fake monster's side. He pulled it open and gasped. "Guys, come check this out!"

Ford and Tate both gave exasperated sighs. Better get this over with.

The five of them gathered around the opening, where a very flustered and confused Old Man McGucket sat at an elaborate home-made control console. "Aw, _banjo-polish_ …" He muttered as he looked up at the people around him.

"Oh Fiddleford, not _again_ …" Stanford groaned.

"What!?" Dipper exclaimed. "How… what do you mean _again_!? How's this possible?"

"It ain't that hard!" Fiddleford explained cheerfully. "All ya gotta do is rig up a waterproof exoskeleton, then the mechanics are pretty easy. Hardest part's steerin' the dern thing. I finally figured a brainwave generator was the best way for jus' one pilot."

"Yeah but… why?" Mabel asked. "Why go through all the trouble?"

The old man looked up at his son, bottom lip quivering. "I… I jus' wanted attention."

"What!?" The young twins exclaimed.

"Well, nobody pays me any mind anymore. Even my own son seems to be avoiding me these days. So I figured I'd jus' build this here robot and make a scene, then they'd _have_ to pay attention to me! And… and it _worked_ , didn't it?"

Tate looked about as shocked as his stoic exterior would allow. "Dad, why didn't you just _say_ something? If I'd known it was this bad…"

"Aw, y'know I'm better with robot than words." The old coot said, abashed. "And 'sides, every time I come to talk, y'look so sad."

The kids looked at Ford. His face was plastered with sadness and sympathy for the old coot. A guilty feeling sunk in their hearts. Maybe they should be spending more time with their older family member too. Maybe _he_ wasn't quite communicating to them his need for attention.

"So… uh, you still up for that picnic?" Dipper asked as they puttered back to shore.

"Hmm, you three sure you wouldn't rather hunt for ancient reptiles?" Ford replied.

" _You're_ the only ancient reptile _we're_ interested in!" Mabel joked.

And so they spent their last couple of hours of daylight eating sandwiches and playing on the lakeshore. Dipper still had more cameras than he knew what to do with, so they played around with optical illusions and just plain goofy pictures. They were all having so much fun, they didn't even notice the bubbles on the lake.

* * *

 _Author's Notes: This chapter takes inspiration from both the episode "Legend of the Gobblewonker" and the short "The Tooth". In the short, Tate (name gotten from the Gravity Falls Wiki) tells Dipper to run if he sees bubbles on the lake at night, so I headcanon that he at least knew about some of his father's work._

 _Young Man McGucket gets a slightly bigger role in this story._

 _Sad McGucket feels!_

 _More Soos! Everyone can always use more Soos (even though I still feel he was under-used this chapter)._

 _Tried to vary more from the episode again, but I still ended up following a few scenes pretty closely. Let me know what you think._

 _Now to go collect my end-of-the-world survival kit and sit out the weirdageddon._


	12. That's My Cue

_Author's Notes: Ok, first of all I'd like to apologize for how long it took to write this chapter. That was partly life taking priority, partly me getting really REALLY sick and partly this chapter just being really hard to write. Also I'd like to apologize for this chapter in general._

 **Chapter 12: That's My Cue**

Occasionally days will start out eventful and then turn out to be boring. This was one of them. The kids had barely finished their breakfast when Soos called to them from down the hall.

"Dudes! You'll never guess what I found!" The young man-child exclaimed.

"Buried treasure!" The twins guessed simultaneously, then giggled at the coincidence.

Soos led them down a poorly lit, rarely walked hall. The wallpaper was peeling, and in one place it had peeled enough to reveal…

"Check it out! Totally creepy hidden door." Soos said.

"Whooooooah!" The young twins gasped. The three of them cautiously peeked inside. It was full of strange objects. They were all so obscured by dust that it was hard to make out where one doodad ended and the next began. Only one tall object in the center of the room stood out from the rest.

"What is this?" Dipper wondered, walking up to it and leaving a trail in the dust. "Some sort of picture frame?" He wiped away some dust from the flat surface.

"It's a mirror!" Mabel exclaimed when their reflections were revealed.

"And look at this!" Dipper spotted some small lumps in the dust. He picked one up. "Candles! And they make a perfect circle around the mirror! This is so creepy, it's like a summoning circle for ghosts or something."

" _What_ are you doing here?" A raspy voice asked. The three of them screamed and huddled together for safety. They slowly turned to see… _not_ a ghost angry with them for disturbing its territory, but a still very tired and not yet had his first cup of coffee Grunkle Ford. Which was _almost_ as terrifying.

"Oh, uh, I was sweeping up this hallway we never go down, and I found this creepy door behind the wallpaper." Soos explained.

"Well, it was covered up for a reason. Everyone out." The old man ordered. Soos and Mabel did as they were told, but Dipper paused at the door, looking up at his uncle.

"But Grunkle Ford, look! There's something strange about this room! Look at the candles and the mirror!"

"It's just an old storage room." Ford said tiredly. "Now come on, out you go." He placed a large hand on the boy's shoulder and pushed him out the door.

As the kids left the hallway, Stanford stole another long glance into the room before he shut the door. Even after closing the door and making his way into the kitchen, the image of the mirror was still burned into his mind, and it brought with it an unpleasant memory.

* * *

It was late fall of the year 2000. After Halloween, but not quite Thanksgiving yet. Stanford Pines was standing before a mirror with candles all around him, in a small side-room. Ford's reflection in the mirror looked quite a bit different now. His hair was transitioning from brown to grey, and it was beginning to stick up from all the times he ran his fingers through it, whether due to nerves or frustration.

It was hard to clear his mind for the ritual. He'd been trying to reach Stanley for almost five days now, which made the total time since their last contact over a month. To say he was worried was like saying the Pacific Ocean was a little puddle, or Mount Everest was a bump on the ground. If he couldn't at least get confirmation that his brother was still alive tonight… Ford wasn't sure what he'd do. Something drastic and ultimately pointless, probably.

That was why Stanford breathed a huge sigh of relief when he finished the ritual and finally found himself in Stan's mindscape, even though there were clear signs that something was wrong. The landscape was black and white, and seemed to be crumbling. Even beyond that, everything seemed to be darker than before. Ford filed these observations away for later. Just one more reason to find Stan as soon as he could.

Stanford bypassed several fresh new memories behind strange steel doors as he wandered the mindscape, looking for the memory of Glass Shard Beach. Not for the first time, he felt tempted to look into these memories and see what incredible new things Stan had witnessed. But fear and respect for his brother's privacy (mostly fear) kept him from opening them.

Finally Ford found the right door and stepped onto the pebbly shore of Glass Shard Beach. He immediately pulled the memory of 18-year-old Stan into a hug. "Are you alright? What happened? I tried to reach you for _days_!"

"Yeah, well, I haven't been sleeping well." Stanley assured him, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. "Geez, you don't need to worry so much. I'm-I'm fine."

"Worried? I was more than _worried_ , I thought you'd _died_!"

Stan burst into laughter, much too loud and much too humorless. "Oh they tried! But it takes more than a lousy team of security guards to kill Stan Pines!" The laughter died down and he rubbed his left arm absentmindedly. "Yeah, heh, I got off scott-free."

Stanley fancied himself a good liar, but his brother knew him well enough to recognize his tells.

"What's wrong?" Ford asked.

"Nothin'." Stan quickly changed the subject. "So is that portal fixed yet?"

Ford sat down in his swing with a huff and fidgeted with the rope. The portal had been operational since 1991. Or at least, it seemed to be, according to all the diagnostics and simulations he'd run. He hadn't dared power it up, not in nine years.

"It's close." He lied.

"You've been sayin' that for years."

"I just need a few more parts. These aren't the kind of things I can pick up in an electronics store." That, at least, was true. Some damaged pieces were irreplaceable, unlike anything Stanford had ever seen. He'd had to do his best to salvage and restore the pieces. He _still_ wasn't sure where they'd come from, or if he'd made them himself.

"I uh, I think I know someone who can help." Stan said apprehensively.

Ford gave his brother a bewildered look. How could someone on the other side possibly help? Had Stan run into that other timeline version of Ford again?

"THAT'S MY CUE!"

Stanford nearly jumped out of his skin. That voice! That was impossible! The mindscape shifted around them. The beach disappeared; they were back in the hall of memories. A yellow triangle floated before them. Bill Cipher.

"Bill...how?" Ford gripped Stan's arm, fighting the urge to hide behind him.

"YEAH, LONG TIME NO SEE, SIXER! NICE TO SEE YOU TOO." Bill said snarkily.

"Go away! You're not welcome here!" Ford yelled, gathering his courage.

"THAT'S NOT REALLY FOR YOU TO DECIDE, NOW IS IT FORDSY? WE'RE BOTH GUESTS IN YOUR BROTHER'S MIND, AFTER ALL."

Ford shot a desperate glance at Stan, who looked concerned, but not at all surprised. The scientist's stomach knotted and lurched. "Stan, what's going on?" This _had_ to be a mistake. It had to be one of Bill's tricks.

"Relax Sixer, it's ok." Stan tried to reassure his brother. "I know you two have a history, but I figured maybe if we all talked-"

"A _history!?_ " Ford yelled, "Stan, what has he been telling you? How do you even know about Bill!?" He refused to believe this was happening it had to be a trick it _had to be_.

"I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!" Bill said excitedly. He waved a hand and a memory door opened beside him. "POOR OL' STANO HERE'D JUST HAD A WAY-TO-CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH OUR OLD PORTAL PROJECT. LUCKY FOR BOTH OF YOU I WAS STILL KEEPING AN EYE ON THINGS, SO I DECIDED TO CHECK ON THE LOST BOY."

 _Inside the memory door, a 20-something Stan stirred restlessly in his sleep, hidden in some dense branches in a dying tree. The scene slowly transitioned to a dream where Bill was floating beside a nice, warm campfire._

 _"_ _What the…" Stan muttered, trying to make sense of the dream._

 _"_ _HEY THERE MAC! YOU MUST BE STANLEY PINES!" The triangle said jovially._

 _"_ _Uh, yeah. And who or what are you, exactly?" Stan asked._

 _"_ _NAME'S BILL CIPHER! YOUR BROTHER USED TO CONSIDER ME A FRIEND."_

 _"_ _Y-you know Ford?"_

 _"_ _OH YEAH, ME'N STANFORD USED TO BE_ **REAL** _CLOSE, AT LEAST UNTIL I HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT WITH HIS ASSISTANT. THEN HE THREW ME OUT." Bill floated up close to Stan and placed a friendly arm around his shoulders. "I THINK YOU CAN RELATE."_

 _Stan frowned. "How'd you know about that?" He growled._

 _"_ _HOW D'YOU THINK? YOUR BROTHER TOLD ME!"_

 _"_ _What else did he tell you?"_

 _"_ _OH, NOT MUCH. I THINK HE TRIES TO FORGET ABOUT YOU MOST OF THE TIME."_

 _Stanley's frown deepened._

 _"_ _HEY, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, STAN, LIKE I SAID, WE CAN RELATE! WE'VE GOT A LOT IN COMMON, AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS WE'RE BOTH IN A BIG MESS BECAUSE OF STANFORD PINES!"_

 _"_ _What happened with Ford was an accident!" Stan shouted. "He didn't mean to leave me out here! He'll come back for me!"_

 _"_ _ACTUALLY, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE STILL ALIVE." Bill informed him. "BUT I CAN FIX THAT. I'M MASTER OF THE MIND-SCAPE, A SORT OF GO-BETWEEN FOR THE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS. I CAN HELP YOU."_

 _"_ _...What's the catch?" Stan asked skeptically._

 _"_ _I'LL JUST NEED A SMALL FAVOR IN RETURN."_

 _"_ _I know better than to make open-ended deals." the con-man said flatly. "Give me specifics."_

 _"_ _HAHA, AND PEOPLE SAY_ **YOU'RE** _THE DUMB TWIN! ALRIGHT, I'LL TELL YA. I WANNA USE THAT PORTAL ONCE YOU GET BACK."_

 _"_ _I dunno," Stan grumbled, "Ford says the thing's dangerous. Something about 'terrible destruction'."_

 _"_ _OH YEAH, IN THE WRONG HANDS, SURE, BUT I'M THE ONE WHO HELPED YOUR BRO BUILD THE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE."_

 _Stan fidgeted uncomfortably. "Look, I can't promise you that. I don't know a thing about Ford's science stuff, but I don't think he'd agree to it. Is there anything else?"_

 _Bill chuckled. "Y'KNOW WHAT? I LIKE YOU, AND I'M SO CONFIDENT WE'LL MEET AGAIN, I'LL DO THIS FIRST JOB FREE!"_

 _Stan balked. He didn't like this. This sounded like one of his_ **own** _phony sales-pitches. But he didn't have any other options. Maybe, since he'd pulled his fair share of cons himself, he could outsmart this Bill guy._

 _"_ _Alright Bill, knock yourself out."_

The memory closed. Ford backed away from his brother, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I thought it was just a weird dream at first," Stan said sheepishly. "But not long after that you started… uh, 'contacting' me, or whatever you call it. That's when I realized it was real."

"What else did you agree to Stan?" Stanford asked accusingly. This whole time. This _whole time_ Bill had been pulling strings. Of course he had. Why hadn't Ford seen it before? Bill had practically told him. _YOU SURE ASK A LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOUR BROTHER._

"I was just thinkin', y'know, maybe we could all work out our problems." Stan explained hesitantly. "Work together. Just long enough to fix things." But it was becoming clear to him that he had seriously underestimated the issue with Bill.

"YEAH, LET'S WORK TOGETHER LIKE _OLD TIMES_ , SIXER!" Bill agreed, pulling the man's hair. Ford pushed the triangle away and put as much distance between the two of them as he could.

"You stay away from me!" Stanford growled, then turned to his brother. "Stan, listen to me. Bill is a twisted being of pure evil! He _cannot_ be trusted!"

"YA REALLY KNOW HOW TO FLATTER A GUY, SIXER." Bill deadpanned.

"Ford, you-you're just blowing things out of proportion, as usual." Stan stammered, although he didn't quite seem sure of his words.

"WHAT'D I TELL YA, STANLEY? HE DOESN'T WANT MY HELP BECAUSE HE PREFERS IT THIS WAY! NO DEADWEIGHT HOLDING HIM BACK."

"Stan, don't listen to him, he's _lying_!"

"OH YEAH? THEN EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVEN'T BROUGHT YOUR POOR BROTHER BACK YET, SIXER, WHEN YOU'VE HAD THE PORTAL WORKING FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS?"

Stan, who had been looking between the two with a growing expression of dread, froze facing his brother. His eyes widened in disbelief.

"He… he's lyin', right? You-you said he can't be trusted."

Stanford made no reply.

"Stanford, tell me he's lying!" Stanley pleaded.

Ford slowly found his words. "...Stan, it's not because of you, I swear! Bill-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence. In an instant the dreamscape imploded around him. The landscape around him blurred into a mess. Waves of emotion washed over him: anger, betrayal, fear. There were no words, but Ford could tell it was all from Stan. The remembered, teenaged image of his brother had vanished, replaced with a grizzled and weary old man, with a bandaged stump where his left forearm should have been, and nothing but hurt and pain in his eyes.

He woke with a start in the storage room. Stanford felt sick and he had a splitting headache.

"No. No no no! Stanley!" He pounded the mirror in frustration. He tried to calm himself. He couldn't concentrate on the incantation like this. "Come on, focus Stanford, focus." He told himself.

Bill had tricked Stan just like he'd tricked Ford, and if he didn't get back to his brother soon, who knew what kind of things the triangle would make Stanley do?

But it was no good. Either because he couldn't concentrate, or because Stan was no longer asleep, he couldn't tell. So he tried again the next night.

And the next night.

And the next night.

And the next night.

After a week Ford began to fear Stan had died. But he still kept trying. If anything, he tried harder. After a month he began to get the distinct impression that something was fighting him. Which had to mean his brother was still alive, right? Of course Stan was blocking him out now, after what had happened.

After a year he began to slip in his dedication. Instead of trying the ritual every night he slipped to once a week. Trying to shake up Stan's defenses, he told himself. His attempts became less and less frequent, until he eventually gave up. Oh sure, every year or so he'd give it a go, but he knew it was futile. And yet Stanford couldn't give up the portal. He continued to seek out the missing journals and tinker with the mechanics. Never having the guts to start it up, but never having the heart to tear it down.

* * *

Dipper and Mabel sat in front of the TV, watching Ducktective. Grunkle Ford walked in, looking more haggard and grumpy than usual.

"Hey Grunkle Ford, are you ok?" Mabel asked, noticing his gloomy demeanor.

"Fine, fine." He said simply.

"So did you clean up that room?" Dipper asked, pretending to keep it casual. The boy was still curious about the peculiar set-up he'd found.

"Yes. There's a rat problem. Don't go in there." Ford explained quickly.

* * *

 _Author's Notes: I'm sorry I still suck at writing endings. Also I'm really, really sorry I ended up writing probably the most heavy chapter in the story right after the heaviest episode in the show. That's the main reason this chapter was so hard to write, I was just like "No, I've already got too much Gravity Falls-related angst, thank you" but I'd been planning out the bare bones of this moment from the beginning, I had to go through with it. Kinda wish I'd skipped ahead to the Summerween episode and come back to this instead. Oh well._

Anyway, how'd you like this chapter? It's one of a couple of ideas I have for where a chapter starts out a lot like the original episode and then completely goes in a different direction. I really couldn't picture Ford going to a haunted garage sale except to study what he found there, and the moment he figured out the wax figures were murderous, he'd have destroyed them himself. So no wax Sherlock Holmes duel, sorry. (Even though that's one of my favorite moments in the show)

I'll probably write a side-oneshot type deal about Stan's side of the story in this, or I might save it for a later chapter. I'm still deciding.


	13. Play the Game

_Author's Note: I got this one out in a reasonable time-frame, yay me! I had a lot of fun writing this one, I've been thinking about it from the beginning. I hope y'all enjoy it._

 **Chapter 13: Play the Game**

Dipper looked surreptitiously over his shoulder as he snuck down the hall. He'd been curious about the hidden room all day yesterday, and now that he was sure Grunkle Ford wasn't watching, he wanted a closer look. The boy was still sure something weird was going on in there. He teased the door open quietly and slipped inside.

There was soft light filtering in through one window. Dipper could still see everyone's footprints from yesterday on the dusty floor. He stepped lightly to the ring of candles around the mirror and examined them carefully. They were covered in dust and melted to waxen stubs. Whatever these had been used for, they hadn't been used in a long time. The boy brushed away the dust from the mirror and the floor around it, but he couldn't find any markings or other clues as to what this strange set-up could be.

Well, if he couldn't find any clues from the mirror, he'd have to explore the rest of the room. He turned to the piles of junk laid up along the walls. There was a shoebox-size package sitting within easy reach. Dipper picked up the box, wiped away the dust, and _gasped_.

* * *

"Mabel! Mabel, you're never gonna guess what I found!"

The perky young girl looked up from the sweater she was knitting. Her twin brother dashed into the room clutching an old box. Mabel knew Dipper'd been planning on staking out that weird room this morning. Apparently he'd found something.

"Living dust bunnies!" Mabel guessed.

"Even better! It's my favorite fantasy-setting, level-calculating, stats-measuring, map-drawing game of all time! Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons!" He squeed, all thoughts of solving the mystery room's secrets forgotten in his excitement. "And that's not even the best part! This is some vintage edition from the 80's, check out the cool old box-art!"

"Oooh! Unicorns!" Mabel cooed, looking at the beautifully detailed illustrations.

As the young twins were occupied with the game, Stanford came in from the library. "What have you two got there?"

Dipper guiltily tried to hide the box, but it was too late. Ford took the game, a stunned expression on his face. "Is that… my 1980 edition of Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons? I thought I'd lost this!" A smile broke across the old man's face. "Where on earth did you find it?"

"I-ah-yours? I mean, it was-I just…you play?" Dipper stammered.

"Do I play? Ha!" The old man gave a dry chuckle, "I own every edition of the game they've ever published! Except for the 90's version, which is dead to me."

"He dug it out of that weird storage room!" Mabel, always an advocate of the truth, spilled.

The boy flinched. Grunkle Ford had seemed very resistant to that room yesterday, and had told the kids to stay out. Was he going to get in trouble?

"Ah, _that_ explains why I wasn't able to find it!" He grinned

. He didn't even seem to remember his melancholy from yesterday; it was all swallowed up in the excitement of the game. "You know what, we should play, right now!"

"Yeah-ha!" Dipper agreed enthusiastically, then paused, looking at his sister. "But wait, Mabel's never played before."

"Bro, it's got unicorns, I'm already sold!" Mabel assured them. "So how do you play?"

"It's simplicity itself, Mabel." Ford opened up the box and removed a 38-sided die, a ream of graphing paper, several figurines, and a rulebook the size of a cinderblock. "We start by each rolling the dice to calculate our base stats."

"Wait, shouldn't we pick out classes first?" Dipper asked.

"Well, technically it doesn't matter which you do first, and I like to pick a class that compliments my base stats." Ford explained.

"Ah man, I'd never even thought of that!"

"Then, based on your class and your stats, we're each allocated quadrants for dominion and for inventory, where the inventory quadrant is inversely proportional to the character's dominion."

Mabel's smile faltered. "And _then_ we ride unicorns?"

Ford gave her the same sad smile her parents always gave Dipper when he said he couldn't wait until he was old enough to buy his own car.

"Not quite. _Then_ we graph out our character's level-gains. You can make it a steady gain or a logarithmic gain."

"Or a split gain if you're dual-classing." Dipper added.

"No, they didn't add dual-classing until the '87 edition. Which I _think_ I have somewhere in my room, actually."

"Oh, you should go get it! Isn't that the first one where Probabilator gets an improbability cloak?"

"Haha, yeah, the difficulty spike at the end is a real challenge, it takes a lot of dungeon-grinding to get your stats to the point where even your low-end bell-curve is enough to stand up to his attacks."

"I usually craft an even-odds shield to get around it."

"Now _there's_ an original idea, why didn't I think of that?"

Mabel's expression slowly turned from excited grin to bored frown as her two relatives delved further and further into nerd jargon. Something told her that even when they did get to the unicorns, it would involve a lot more dice-rolling and statistics than she would like.

It was barely still light out when they finally got the game set up. Mabel was pretty sure she'd fallen asleep with her eyes open at some point, but she was brought out of her stupor when Dipper handed her the dice.

"Uh, what am I rolling for this time?" She asked uncertainly.

"We're starting our journey!" Dipper explained, "Your barbarian princess is riding a unicorn, so you get a times four multiplier to your distance roll."

Just as she'd suspected, more dice-rolling. She threw the hunk of plastic half-heartedly, not even bothering to look at the number she'd rolled.

"Twenty-four, nice one Mabel." Grunkle Ford complimented her.

"So, uh, what does that mean?"

"That's far enough to go into the first dungeon!" He grinned, holding up a map drawn on graph paper.

"Uhm..." She murmured, not all that enthused at the prospect of more dice and math and graphs. "Not that I don't love cheese Boodles, but I'm getting kinda hungry for real dinner." She strategically changed the subject.

"Whoa, is it that late already?" Dipper wondered.

"Yikes." Ford slapped a hand to his forehead, "I completely lost track of time. Let me throw some left-over tacos in the microwave." He stood up and cleared his throat. "We shall adjourn this quest as we make sup, and take up our tasks on the morrow!"

"Hear-hear! Ere long we shall return!" Mabel added in her own theatrical voice. Now funny old fashioned talk was the kind of silly game she could get behind.

"Yeah, uh, what you guys said." Dipper laughed.

* * *

The next morning was bright and beautiful. Mabel awoke and greeted the day in her usual cheery manner, but she couldn't suppress an exasperated sigh when she caught sight of her brother. Dipper had fallen asleep with half-finished dungeon maps all around him. It had only been a day and already this game seemed to be consuming her family's life.

"Dipper, how late were you up last night?" She asked him disbelievingly.

"Uh… I dunno." He yawned. "I kinda stopped looking at the clock after 12:08."

Mabel shook her head. "You've played this game before?"

"Yeah, usually with my friends at school during lunch and recess."

"Well how come you never went cray-cray over it like this before?"

"Well..." Dipper said sheepishly, "I never thought anyone else in my family would really get into DDMD. You were always too busy doing your own thing at school, and Grunkle Ford's just been kinda grumpy and distant the whole time we've been here. It's cool to see him finally having some fun for a change. I guess I'm just excited to do something I really enjoy with you guys."

"Oh, yeah…" Mabel suddenly didn't have the heart to tell Dipper she wasn't enjoying the game _at all._ Maybe she could find some way to make it fun for everybody. Somehow…

She deliberately took her time as she ate her breakfast, while the others wolfed down their cereal at record speeds.

"Come on Mabel, the sooner you finish, the sooner we can start the first dungeon." Grunkle Ford encouraged her like they were getting ready to go to the candy store.

"Uh… yeah, about that." She giggled nervously, "Eh-heh, I was thinking, since it's such a nice day, maybe we could play outside instead?"

And then, before she knew what was happening, they had set up Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons on a collapsible camp table in the woods.

"Great idea Mabel, this fits the atmosphere of the forest temple much better than the livingroom." Ford complimented her.

"Thanks." she replied flatly, but her annoyance was lost on both her relatives.

She did her best to grin and bare it. This was supposed to be a fantasy adventure, after all. "Ok, so, uh what do I do in the dungeon?"

"Fight monsters, avoid traps, and find treasure!" Dipper explained. Well, that certainly _sounded_ exciting. "You want to roll a high movement number so you can explore each square of the map. Or a high perception roll so your character can look around and see what's in there." Aaaand there was the boring dumb stuff again. Who needed to roll a dumb dice to look around a room?

Mabel rolled a seven for her movement and a six on her perception check. Whatever that meant. She looked to Dipper, who in turn was looking expectantly at Ford.

"You look around to find yourself in a quiet wooded glade." The old man described the setting, and suddenly she wasn't just looking at a piece of graph paper with a bunch of lines drawn on it. "A formidable pair of oaken doors stand at the far end, and a pillar covered in vines towers over you to your right. There is a sparkling azure pool to your left."

"Well, let's open the doors." She reasoned.

"You can't, you didn't roll high enough to cross the room."

"Oh, well, uh, let's go swim in the pool!"

Grunkle Ford frowned and wrung his hands behind his back. "No, no, I don't think you want to do that." he said quickly, "Why don't you check out the pillar instead?"

Mabel gave an exasperated sigh. It had finally seemed like she was getting past the math stuff, and now he was playing the game for her. "Ok."

"It looks like you can climb the ivy to the top of the pillar..."

"Then climb it!"

"...But you used up all your movement spaces to get to the pillar. It's Dipper's turn now."

Mabel flopped down on the ground with a groan.

"Hey, are you ok?" Dipper asked, a worried look on his face.

The young girl was torn. On the one hand, she felt really frustrated with this game, and she wanted to tell Dipper. But on the other hand, both Dipper and Grunkle Ford seemed really happy playing the dumb, overcomplicated game. Happier than she'd seen either of them since coming to Gravity Falls last week. And part of the reason Dipper was so happy was because he thought _she_ was enjoying the game. Only she wasn't. How could she tell them she thought their game was dumb and still keep everyone happy?

"Can I go for a walk during your turn?" She asked.

"Uh...sure." Dipper said, confused.

"Don't go too far." Ford cautioned her.

* * *

Mabel wandered down the path back to Grunkle Ford's house, muttering under her breath as she tried to figure out what to do.

"I don't wanna waste all day sitting around, but I don't wanna kill the fun for them…" She kicked a small pebble and watched it bounce along the path until it bumped into a small stone well. Mabel sighed, picking up the small, round rock and flicking it into the well. "I just wish there was a way to make the game as exciting as it sounds."

The pebble made an echoing splash into the well, which slowly changed into light laughter. Mabel peeked into the well curiously.

"Uh… is anyone there?"

Suddenly, a streak of green smoke shot out of the well, throwing the girl back on her bottom. She gasped in surprise as the green smoke coalesced into the shape of a middle-aged woman.

"Congratulations kid! You just got your wish!" The smoke-woman said with a smirk.

"Oooooh, you're beautiful! What are you?" Mabel asked.

"The genie of the wishing well. Obviously."

"Wait, what? I thought genies lived in lamps, not wells."

"Pch, well how did you _think_ wishing wells worked?" The genie scoffed. "The wish just grants itself?"

"Wow! Ok, wow!" The young girl bounced up and down, unable to contain her excitement. "Oh man, what should I wish for?"

"Nah, weren't you listening? I said you _just got_ your wish. As in, you already made it."

Oh right. That comment about making Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons more exciting _had_ been a wish, hadn't it? "Alright! Let's get some real unicorns to ride! And a way to make the maps as colorful as Grunkle Ford describes them!" Mabel suggested.

"Sorry kid." The genie snickered, "I'm one of those vindictive genies. I'll definitely make it 'exciting' for ya."

"Wait, what?"

"Your quest" The smoke woman's face split into a cruel grin, "Is to save the rest of your party." She disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"Hey! Come back!" Mabel yelled. Oh no, what had that genie said? _Save her party?_

* * *

Dipper and Ford sat at the collapsable table, the game temporarily paused as they waited for Mabel to come back.

"She's not having fun." Dipper observed glumly, "She doesn't want to play."

"I'm trying to make it more enjoyable for her. Enchanted forest setting for the first dungeon, steered her away from having to fight a miniboss too soon, even let her have a unicorn mount." Ford added under his breath, " _Against my better judgement._ "

"Yeah, but I don't think it's working. And to be honest, I'm not having as much either, with things watered down like this."

"Well, she doesn't have to play with us if she doesn't want to."

"Yeah, but… I dunno, I guess I don't want her to feel left out, y'know?"

Ford nodded. "I understand, but just because you're twins doesn't mean the two of you have to do everything together. You have separate interests. If she wants to play outside and you want to play DDMD, there's nothing wrong with that."

"We don't do _everything_ together." Dipper said defensively.

Stanford didn't answer. He was staring with a shocked expression at a point just over Dipper's shoulder.

"What?" The boy asked. " _Is there a spider on me_!?"

Then everything disappeared in a puff of smoke.

* * *

Mabel didn't know what that genie was going to do to her family, but she knew it couldn't be good. She was 99 percent sure _vindictive_ was another word for _really mean jerk-face._ Her thoughts were so preoccupied thinking of how she was going to save Dipper and Ford that she ran right past Soos without even noticing him.

"Hey Hambone, where're you off to in such a hurry?" the young man asked cheerfully.

"Soos!" Mabel whipped around. "What're you doing here?"

"Lookin' for Dr. Pines. We got a new repair job in today. Broken microwave." The mechanic explained. "When there was no on in the garage I checked every room in the house. When I couldn't find anyone in the house-"

"Omigosh Soos, you've gotta help me!" The girl interrupted him. "I was playing a boring game with Dipper and Grunkle Ford and then I found a genie in a well and wished the game was more exciting, but it was a _meanie genie_ and she said my quest is to save them!"

"Heh, wow, sounds like you've had an eventful day! Wait," Soos realized, "Boring game with quests… Dr. Pines didn't rope you into playing Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, did he?"

"Yeah!" Mabel confirmed. "He and Dipper are like, _obsessed_!"

"Well, I dunno anything about Dipper's history with the game, but Dr. Pines is over the gamer's club at the high school, and I know he's _pretty passionate_ about the whole thing. Told me I was joining the dark side when I switched over to playing FCLORP instead."

"You mean you used to play?" the girl grabbed him by the shirt, "Then you can help me beat the meanie genie!"

"Uh, I dunno dude, I haven't played in years…"

"Soos I have literally played two turns in my entire life."

The man-child nodded solemnly and adjusted his cap. "With pen and paper, shield and sword, our quest shall be our sweet reward!"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure my family's safety is the reward."

"That too."

* * *

The two friends entered the clearing where the collapsible table was still standing, the game still set up to play. Only there was no sign of Dipper or Ford. In the Dungeon Maker's spot was the genie.

"Took you long enough to get here." She smirked. "Oh, and you brought a friend. Great. This game is always more fun with more people.

"Where's my brother and uncle?" Mabel demanded.

"Oh relax, they're not hurt." The smoke lady held out a hand and showed off two very familiar figurines hanging from a chain. "In fact, they won't be hurting ever again, if you can't beat my quest."

"Oh my gosh!" Soos gasped, "She turned them into keychains! Just like that one episode of Digimon!"

"Alright, what's your quest, meanie genie?" Mabel asked.

"Heheh, meanie genie, that's fun to say." Soos chuckled.

"I know right?" The young girl agreed, "I just said it without thinking the first time but now I just keep saying it any chance I get."

"Can we just play the game already?" The genie groaned.

"Sorry." The two apologized.

"Now, let's see, what to do, what to do…" The smoke lady mused, "Sorry, it's just been a while since I've been DM… Hmm, werewolf tree? No… it's been done. Impossibeast? No… I'm vindictive, not a cheater. Zombie Aaron Copland? No… who would get that? Oh, I know! Probabilitor, only he's a skeleton! And… and he plays a mystic accordion… and it can bring _other_ skeletons to life to fight for him!"

The map laid out on the table suddenly blurred like a mirage, and a magical image of a skeleton wizard with an accordion appeared.

"Dude, that's way intense." Soos commented.

"Well, she wished for it to be interesting! What fun would an easy quest be?"

Mabel groaned with worry. "Soos, wha'do I do?"

"Hey, relax dude, DDMD is all about imagination." The mechanic explained.

"Really? I thought it was all about maps and graphs."

"Well, that's how you _make_ things happen, but to decide _what_ happens, you have to imagine what your character will do. Like what kind of attack would be best to defeat a musically talented skeleton?"

A mischievous grin spread across Mabel's face as an idea formed in her head. "Ooh, I get it now!"

"Ah, got a strategy now, have you?" The genie snickered. "Let's put it to the test! You're the only one with a mount, girl, you go first."

"I summon an army of barbarian dogs to eat the bones of your skeleton army!" Mabel declared triumphantly. She rolled the dice and got a 10. The magic over the map rippled again and ten miniature but ferocious dogs appeared and tore the skeletons surrounding the bone wizard apart.

"Good move." The smoke woman complimented, "But Probabilitor just uses his mystic accordion to summon even more skeleton to attack you!" As she said the words, creepy polka music filled the air, and the magic image of a skeleton army reappeared. They fired arrows across the map to the two game pieces that represented Mabel and Soos, doing heavy damage to them.

"Well I use a mystic synth-keyboard to cancel out the power of Probabilitor's accordion!" Soos countered. He rolled a 30. Synth chords played, drowning out the creepy polka. "Nice! Don't think I've ever rolled a 30 before."

"Tch, clever. Very clever." The woman admitted. "But now you'll have to deal with Probabilitor's magic! Now the bell-curve is reversed, and you're more likely to get really low rolls. Or really high rolls. But nothing in the middle!"

"Wait, but if I'm more likely to get high rolls, isn't that bad for you?" Mabel wondered.

"Eh, it's a risk-vs-reward move." The genie shrugged. "Your turn again, girl."

"Hmm…" Mabel thought. "I cast… dynamite sausages!" She rolled again, this time getting a 3. Three sparking red tubes of meat rolled into the army of skeletons, then exploded. It did some damage, but it wasn't enough to take out all of them. "Aw man…"

"Oh, too bad!" The smoke woman mocked. "Now, I'll use the last of my skeletons to swarm you and finish you off!"

"Not so fast!" Soos slammed the table. "If there's one thing videogames have taught me… well, wait, videogames have taught me a lot of thing, but, uh, one of those things is that the best way to defeat skeletons is with fire! I cast inferno shield!" Soos rolled a 28.

The skeletons charged forward, only to be swallowed up in a wall of flames.

"Augh, you gotta be kidding me!" The Dungeon Maker seethed.

"It's my turn now!" Mabel grinned. "And I know just what to do! My character isn't just a barbarian princess riding a unicorn! She's _also_ an archeologist, and she _wants to put your skeleton wizard in a museum_!" She rolled the dice. The genie and Soos both gasped. "What?"

"You just nat-38'ed!" Soos said in hushed awe.

"You must have cheated!" The genie shrieked.

"Nu-uh!" Mabel insisted. "I barely know how to play, how would I know how to cheat?"

"Oh, 'barely know how to play' my amorphous smoke body, you've been _hustling_ me, haven't you?" The woman accused. "You've been playing like a _natural_ all game! Dogs and an archeologist to counter a skeleton army? Only an experienced player would know obscure weaknesses like that!"

"Or maybe Mabel's just really smart and creative and lucky, and _you're_ just a sore loser on top of being a meanie genie." Soos said severely.

The genie gritted her teeth and threw the keychains or Dipper and Ford on the table with a frustrated growl. "Y'know what? Fine! Take 'em! I-I didn't even want to play your dumb nerd game anyway!" She snapped her fingers and a giant puff of smoke covered everything, making it impossible to see. When the smoke cleared, Dipper and Ford were back to normal, and the genie had disappeared without a trace.

"Oh, Mabel, you're back!" Dipper said cheerfully. "And… Soos? When did you get here?"

"I came to help fight the genie." the mechanic said simply.

Ford raised an eyebrow. "How'd you know the miniboss for this dungeon is a genie? And besides, I thought you didn't play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons anymore."

"Yeah, well, I figured even if I prefer FCLORP these days, that'd doesn't mean I can't sit down and play some DDMD with my friends for old time's sake."

Dr. Pines gave a surprised smile. "Well, we'll have to make a character for you then."

"Or, uh, you could take Mabel's spot." Dipper suggested sheepishly.

"What?" Mabel asked.

"It's ok Mabel, I know you don't want to play. It's fine, you can go play whatever else you want."

"But I _do_ wanna play!"

"You don't have to pretend to like the game just to make me happy, Mabel!"

"No really! I figured out how to make the game fun!" The young girl insisted, "But Grunkle Ford, you have to promise not to go easy on me anymore! I can handle the fun stuff!"

"Oh, are you sure?" Ford asked with a mischievous grin, "You might regret saying that later."

"Bring it on, old man!" Mabel yelled playfully.

The four of them played together for the rest of the afternoon, having a great time. Mabel had finally gotten into the game, in her own unique way. Although, she still found she couldn't stand to play for longer than a couple of hours before she got bored again. Dipper suggested they make it a weekly thing, while he and Ford had longer, more arduous campaigns together while Mabel and Soos were busy doing other things.

On their way back home, Soos and Mabel placed a large boulder over the top of the well, so the meanie genie would never bother anyone again. The gnomes weren't too happy when they found their well blocked off.

* * *

 _Author's Notes: So this chapter/episode is out of order compared to canon, but really, with how much Dipper and Ford love Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, do you really think they could go a whole two months together and not find out the other's love for the game?_

 _Mabel's experience here is VERY LOOSELY based on my own first time playing a table-top RPG (Not DnD, but a Star Wars one) with my at-the-time boyfriend a few years back. I remember the set-up being really boring, and the first two meetings I played were really boring, but once I started actually getting into the story and getting creative with what my character could do (I was an armored droid) I started having a lot more fun. I haven't played any more TTRPG's since then, but that's more because I don't have anyone to play with now that I've moved back home than anything else._

 _No story notes this time because I feel like everything in this chapter is pretty self-explanatory._


	14. Mabel's OTHER Forbidden Love

_Author's Notes: I love it when an idea comes together quickly. This was partially written for Mabel Appreciation Week over on tumblr, but also just because I love this episode of the show and doing my own take on it was really fun! Even though I ended up lifting a lot of the dialog... Yeah, not so happy about that part, but I can't improve upon the original writers' perfection._

 **Chapter 14: Mabel's OTHER Forbidden Love**

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos sat in the TV room watching Tiger Fist, when it cut to commercials. Dipper was about to mute it when Soos stopped him.

"Wait, dude, you gotta see this weird commercial."

Dramatic piano music played as a man sobbed inconsolably on his bed.

"Are you completely miserable?" The advertiser asked.

" _Yes!_ " The man replied emphatically.

"Then you need to meet _Gideon._ "

"Who or what is Gideon, exactly?" Dipper riffed on the ad.

"He's a psychic!" The advertiser said, as if in reply.

" _Aroo?_ " Mabel imitated a confused cartoon dog.

"Y'all don't believe me?" The ad continued. "Well don't let the naysayers deter ya!" The screen flashed an image of a very familiar frowning old man.

"Wait, is that Grunkle Ford?" Dipper noted.

"Come see for yourself! At Lil' Gideon's Tent'O'Telepathy! See your future today! Hurry on down, Lil' Gideon is expectin' ya!" The ad concluded.

"Whoa, I'm getting all curiousy and stuff!" Mabel exclaimed.

"That is _not_ the kind of thing you should be curious about." A stern voice said from the doorway. The three of them turned to see Ford standing there. "Trust me when I say the Gleeful family is nothing but trouble, and Gideon especially is bad news."

"What, is he really psychic?" Mabel asked.

"I think we should go find out!" Dipper proposed.

"There's no need." Ford insisted flatly. "I was _raised_ by an phoney psychic, I can spot a fake when I see one. No one can tell your destiny." He left the room, frowning bitterly.

"I still think we should check it out. Just to be sure." Dipper said with a mischievous grin.

"Better safe than sorry!" His sister agreed.

* * *

That night the young twins left with Soos to see the Tent'O'Telepathy themselves. It was a huge tent made from baby blue canvas. It still managed to be gaudy despite the pastel colors.

"Great, this is just one of those cheesy tourist traps, isn't it?" Dipper groaned, already dubious of Gideon's authenticity.

"C'mon Dipper, wasn't it _your_ mysterious old book you found that said 'Nothing in Gravity Falls is what it seems'?" Mabel encouraged him.

Soos shushed them. "It's starting." He whispered.

Dramatic music and lighting filled the room. Heavy footsteps could be heard on stage. The blue curtains pulled back to reveal... A nine-year old albino boy dressed like Elvis.

" _This_ is the bad news Ford was worried about?" Dipper asked in disbelief.

"But he's so... _widdle!_ " Mabel cooed.

"Hello Gravity Falls!" Gideon boomed to the audience in an adorable, squeaky voice with a light southern twang, similar to the voice from the ad. "My name's Lil' Gideon, and it is such a gift to be here! Such a gift." He added more quietly. "I have seen a _vision._ I predict that in the next three seconds, y'all will say _d'awww._ "

The child psychic spun around, and when he faced the audience again, he hit them with the biggest Bambi-eyed smile imaginable. The crowd _d'awwed_ automatically.

"...seriously?" Dipper couldn't believe everyone was falling for this obvious set-up.

"Oh. My. G-O-S-H." His sister said in awe.

The music picked up again as Gideon began to dance and sing about his psychic abilities. He "predicted" that an obvious crazy old cat lady was lonely, "sensed" that the sheriff had been there before when he was already laden with Lil' Gideon merchandise, and "guessed" Mabel's name when it was _stitched on her sweater._ Dipper scoffed. If Gideon was psychic, then Soos was an alien.

"What a sham," The boy told his sister as they left the show. "I bet Ford's just frustrated that so many people actually fall for it."

"It's not about real psychic powers, Dipper." Mabel explained, "It's about entertainment! I mean, did you see how adorable his musical number was?"

"You're too easily impressed." Dipper grinned.

"Your face is too easily impressed." She retorted with a laugh. They left poking and laughing at each other goodnaturedly, unaware that someone was watching.

* * *

The next day, Dipper was eating lunch when Mabel ran into the room, excited as ever.

"Check it out Dipper! I successfully bedazzled my face!" She giggled. "It kinda hurts to smile right now."

"Is that… permanent?" Her brother wondered.

"You're missing the point, Dipdop." The doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts. "I'll get it!"

Mabel ran to the entryway while wiping the sequins off her face and flung open the front door. At first it looked like nobody was there, but then she happened to glance down.

"It's lil' ol' _you_!" She squeed at the sight of Gideon on her very own front porch.

"Eh-heh, yeah, my song's quite catchy." Gideon admitted shyly. "I know we haven't been formally introduced, but after I saw you last night in the audience, I couldn't get your laugh outta my head!"

"Like this?" Mabel laughed, which quickly turned into a cough. Several sequins sprayed onto the small boy's jacket.

"Enchanting." Gideon whispered.

"Mabel, who's there?" Ford called from the library.

"Just some ding-dong-ditchers, Grunkle Ford!" She reassured him.

"Well see if you can hit any of them with the water balloon cannon, I want to deter repeat offenders." The old man continued to yell from the other room.

"I appreciate your discretion, Stanford's no fan of mine." Gideon said gratefully. "How'd a bright ray of sunshine like you get stuck with a spoilsport like him?"

"Oh-ho, you don't mean that." Mabel continued to laugh.

"Well sure I do!" the child insisted. "I'd like to get to know ya better, would you perchance like to join me for a spell in my private dressing room?"

"Dress up!" Mabel exclaimed excitedly, prodding Gideon playfully. He flinched painfully. She poked her head back into the house. "DipperI'mgoinaGideon'stoplaydressupseeyalaterbye!"

By the time Dipper had interpreted the jumble of words coming out of his sister's mouth, she was already gone.

* * *

Mabel did not return for several hours. When Ford asked where she had gone, Dipper, knowing his uncle probably didn't want her hanging out with Gideon, but not wanting to get his sister in trouble, had simply said she was at a new friend's house. This satisfied the old man, and he left to the grocery store.

When she finally got back, Mabel was done up from her head to her toes in make-up, ribbons, and curls.

"Whoa, you look like one of those creepy dolls old ladies collect." Dipper commented when she came in.

"I know, right?" She grinned, "Hanging out with Gideon was so fun! Now _that's_ a classy nine-year-old!"

"I don't think you should be hanging out with him Mabel, remember what Grunkle Ford said?" Dipper warned her.

"Nah, Gideons cool! I can't avoid every nice guy I meet just because one of them turned out to be gnomes." Mabel insisted. "Besides, it's nice to have someone I can do girly stuff with for once. You and Grunkle Ford get to do boy stuff all the time."

"Whadoya mean?" Dipper asked innocently. Suddenly the door opened and Ford stepped in, carrying a bag of groceries and a few small, thin packs wrapped in shiny cellophane.

"Dipper! They just got the new booster-packs of the DDMD TCG! Do you wanna help me open these bad boys up?"

"DO I!?" Dipper jumped off the couch eagerly and followed his Grunkle into the kitchen.

"And then when we're done we can blow things up, for science!"

"For science!" The boy echoed with an enthusiastic laugh.

Mabel stood there for a second in awkward silence. "I think I'm gonna go back to Gideon's."

* * *

The next day the young twins were playing an old Atari they'd found lying on a shelf in the library. As they played, Mabel related her rather awkward rooftop conversation with Gideon the previous evening.

"...but he _has_ been really nice, so I figured I'd just go as a friend, y'know? Just give him a chance and see what happens."

"That's not how guys work Mabel." Dipper warned her. "If he asked you on a date, he doesn't want to be _just friends_."

"Ah, c'mon. It's just one date. Not even _I'm_ that lovable." She fired off a couple of missiles, which her brother failed to dodge. "Kaboom! Yeah!"

"Ok, we agree on something here." Dipper said flatly.

The doorbell rang and Mabel got up to answer it. She jumped back with a scream when a horse unexpectedly stuck it's head in the door.

"A night of enchantment awaits, m'lady." Gideon said suavely from atop his steed.

"... oh boy." Mabel said quietly, not sure wether to be excited or scared.

* * *

While Mabel was on her date, Dipper hung out with Wendy and Soos in the repair garage. They were rewiring a pair of old walkie-talkies when Dr. Pines stormed in, livid.

"Would someone mind explaining to me how _this_ happened!?" He threw a copy of the Gravity Falls Gossiper on the table, where a picture of Mabel and Gideon took up most of the front page.

"Must have been a slow news day." Wendy quipped.

"Oh yeah, dude, it's a big deal! They're already getting shipping names and everything!" Soos explained.

"This isn't a joke, you two, she shouldn't be anywhere near that little monster!" Ford fretted. What with Bud Gleeful being in the Blind Eye, and Gideon... Ford only had suspicions about that boy, but if even _half_ of them were true…."I need to go take care of this right now."

"I-I didn't know, and I told her not to!" Dipper said guiltily.

Ford didn't seem to hear him. He had grabbed a tan trench coat hanging by a hook next to the door with lots of pockets on the inside. "If I'm not back by sunset, come looking for me." He said gravely, then swept out the door.

Dipper watched him go with a panicked look on the boy's face. "I… Is he serious?"

"Ah, he's just being overdramatic." Wendy waved her teacher's weird actions off, "As usual."

* * *

Stanford approached the Gleeful's house cautiously. He wasn't sure what to expect. This could very well be a trap. But he couldn't just sit and do nothing about Mabel. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Why, Stanford Pines, what a delight!" Bud Gleeful answered with a goofy grin. Ford fought the urge to punch him in the face.

"Where is Mabel?" The old teacher said flatly.

"Well I haven't seen her here since yesterday," Bud guffawed, "but since you're here, you simply _must_ come in for coffee."

Ford hesitated. What was Bud playing at? Did he really not know what was going on? Or was this some sort of plan to lull him into a false sense of security. Of course, with the Blind Eye, it was entirely possible that he'd simply forgotten all about whatever he and Gideon were planning. The scientist's best bet, he decided, was to come in and look around for some clue of what was going on.

Stanford entered as Bud drawled on about the quality of the coffee. The old man looked around carefully, checking surreptitiously for switches, secret compartments, or hidden cameras.

"So, I hear your Mabel and my Gideon are… well, they're _singin' in harmony_ , so to speak." Bud said, handing Ford a mug of coffee. So he was at least aware of what was happening, though he might not be in on Gideon's plan.

"Yes, and I'm here to tell you if your son comes within a mile of my great-niece again, I'll-"

"No, no, no, now calm down!" Bud tried to pacify him. "I think this is a perfect opportunity to finally end this feud. Now I know I've caused ya grief in the past, and you've never been a believer in Gideon's gift, but I think if we all got to know one another, we'd get along much better, yes."

So _that_ was their angle. Trying to get closer to him in order to gain information. Perhaps the Blind Eye was growing suspicious of him again. Or perhaps his suspicions about Gideon were correct, and the boy in turn suspected Ford…. Well, two could play that game. This _was_ a perfect opportunity. An opportunity to confirm what Gideon's deal was.

* * *

Stanford came home to find Mabel was already back from her date. And she was frantic.

"I was in the friend zone! And then he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand, Dipper! Chubby quicksand!"

"Relax Mabel," Dipper tried to reassure her. "So you said yes to another date. It's not the end of the world, you can just call him and cancel."

"Can I Dipper? Can I!?" She didn't sound convinced.

"Mabel, can I speak to you?" Ford asked, announcing his presence to the kids.

"Grunkle Ford! I'm sorry I didn't listen to you!" Mabel cried, "I didn't think it was statistically possible for you to be right about all the boys I know!"

"It's ok." The old man tried to cheer her. "Now, I want to ask you to help me with something." The young girl nodded. "When you go on your next date with Gideon, could you ask him some questions for me? It'd have to be on the down-low, just slip them into the conversation."

Mabel looked at him, slack jawed. She shook her head slowly.

"It'd be like playing spy." He sensed her apprehension and tried to put a more Mabel-friendly spin on it.

"I don't _wanna_ play spy! I just want things to go back to normal!" She lamented, then ran upstairs like a colorfully knit comet.

"...You could have just said 'no'!" Ford called up after her after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence.

* * *

Dipper knew to give his sister a few minutes to herself to calm down in situations like this. But he realized he may have underestimated the severity of the situation when he found Mabel curled up inside her sweater. She was in Sweater Town. He sat down beside her to try and comfort the beleaguered ball of yarn, finally deciding that he'd break up with Gideon for her, if she didn't have the heart to do it.

That was how Dipper found himself walking into a swanky restaurant that night, standing across from a white-haired nine-year-old dressed in a nice blue suit.

"Dipper Pines! How are you this fine evening?" Gideon asked. Although his words were friendly, his tone betrayed annoyance. Where was Mabel?

"Uh, I'm good, thanks…" The Pines boy stammered before finding his confidence. "Ok, cut to the chase, I'm here on behalf of Mabel. She, uh, she doesn't want to see you anymore. She's kinda freaked out by how _far_ and how _fast_ you're taking this romance stuff, _no offence_ , but, uh, she still wants to remain _just friends_ , emphasis on the _just. friends_. So, uh, no hard feelings? Right?"

Gideon's face scrunched up and his eye began twitching. "So… you've come _between_ us…"

Dipper got the impression that this was not going well. "You… you're not gonna _freak out_ , are you?"

Gideon's face snapped back to his usual adorable, cheery disposition. "Of course not! I understand completely!"

"Ah, great." Dipper said with a sigh of relief. "Well, uh, sorry again, but, uh, thumbs up, yeah?"

" _Thumbs up indeed, my friend._ " Gideon muttered darkly under his breath as he watched the boy leave.

* * *

The next day, the young twins were playing with Soos, when Wendy stepped out of the house holding the landline phone.

"Yo Dipper, phone for you dude." She called.

"Really?" Dipper asked, confused. Who the heck would be calling him out here in Gravity Falls. "Hello?"

"Toby Determined, _Gravity Falls Gossiper_." A nasally voice said over the line.

"Oh, uh, hi. Sorry my sister screamed at you last week."

"No worries, I get that aaaaaall the time." Toby assured him. "But I'm calling about _you_. I want an interview about anything _unusual_ you've seen in this town since you've arrived."

"Seriously!?" Dipper exclaimed. "Oh man, I thought no one would ever ask! I've got notes and theories and eve- oh, ok. Uh-huh. Got it." The boy wrote down an address and hung up.

* * *

"Ok Toby, I've got most of my notes right here…" Dipper trailed off as he entered the dark and conspicuously empty warehouse. "Aaaaand this was all just a big prank. Of course." He turned to leave when the door slammed suddenly behind him. The boy whipped around to look back at the warehouse, looking for some _one_ or some _thing_. Only now did he realize the building was full of Lil' Gideon merchandise. That did not bode well.

"Hello friend." A chair in front of him turned to reveal the child psychic.

Dipper gave an annoyed groan. "Gideon."

"Dipper Pines. How ya likin' Gravity Falls?" Gideon asked with an edge of malice as he pet a Lil' Gideon plush. "Enjoy the scenery?"

"What do you want, man?" The Pines boy cut through the formalities. "Is this about Mabel? I told you, she doesn't _like_ you that way!"

" _Liar_!" the white-haired boy shouted. "Things were going perfectly before you turned her against me!"

"Wait, what?"

Gideon clutched the bolo tie around his fat neck and it began to glow. The same glow engulfed Dipper, and he found himself flying into a box of thankfully soft Lil' Gideon plushies.

"Readin' minds ain't all I can do!" Gideon stood over him menacingly.

"B-but you're a fake…"

"Oh, tell me boy, _is this fake_?"

* * *

It had taken some convincing from Wendy, but Mabel had finally decided that it would be best for everyone if she broke up with Gideon herself, in person. He _had_ been very nice to her, and a very generous friend. He at least deserved that. So she hopped on her bike and rode up to the Gleeful warehouse where she knew he liked to watch the sunset.

If Mabel was surprised to see lights flashing inside the warehouse at this time of the evening, she was _horrified_ at what she saw through the window. Gideon was fighting Dipper! With magic!

"Grunkle Ford was right about you, you _are_ a monster!" her brother yelled at the child psychic.

"Your sister will be mine!" Gideon cackled maniacally.

"She's never gonna date you, man!"

"Liar!" the white-haired boy shouted again, levitating a pair of shearers. "I'll make sure you _never_ lie again."

Mabel knew she needed to stop this _now_. "Gideon, stop!" She burst in the door.

"Mabel!" Gideon dropped the shearers with a start. "Wh-what're you doin' here?"

"I came to tell you that I'm not going to date you, myself."

"I… you…" The young boy stammered. His emotional turmoil seemed to be causing Dipper no small discomfort. Mabel saw the glowing bolo tie, the same color surrounding her brother, and got an idea.

"Hey, we can still be make-over buddies, right?" She said, leaning down to hug Gideon.

"R-really?"

Mabel snagged the bolo tie and pulled it far away from the phoney psychic's reach. "No not really! You were _attacking my brother_! What the actual heck!?" She shouted indignantly.

"Give it back!" Gideon screeched. Mabel flung it to Dipper, but Gideon just tackled her brother, knocking the two of them out the window and over the cliff the warehouse overlooked.

Mabel gasped and ran after them instinctively. She paused at the window, but then she remembered what she was holding, and what she'd seen Gideon do with it. She imagined herself floating down gently, and catching her brother and the lil' jerk in mid air. The magic responded to her will, and in a few seconds they were all drifting gently to the ground below.

Gideon looked up at her in shock. Mabel frowned at him; she saw him for what he really was now. "It's over Gideon, I will _never date you_."

"Yeah!" Dipper added, kinda ruining the moment.

Mabel flung the amulet down on a sharp rock. With her incredible strength, it was more than enough to shatter the mystical object.

"My powers!" Gideon cried. "Oh this isn't over! Not by a long shot! This ain't the last ya'll've seen of _lil'. ol'. me_." He backed away into the shadows.

"We can still see you." Mabel informed the boy.

He backed up a bit more. "How 'bout now?"

"Yeah, still." Dipper said.

"Now?"

"Uuuuh… I think your hair is too bright." Mabel said.

"Oh for goodness sake, I'm goin' home." He finally harrumphed.

* * *

 _Author's Notes: I skipped over most of Mabel's dates with Gideon, because they would have been exactly the same as in the show. Even though that mean skipping over my favorite joke (If she says no, I'll die of sadness! "I can confirm that will in fact happen")_

 _The most fun part of this chapter was Ford trying to spy on the Gleefuls (cuz that was really the only original part), although I also enjoyed writing him yelling about a newspaper article, for obvious reasons._

 _And somehow the part leading up to Mabel in Sweater Town really parallels Dipper and Mabel VS The Future in my head, even though that's not what I intended._


	15. Short Bits

_**Author's Notes: Hey everybody! I'm done with Grad School applications, and while work is actually WORSE right now due to some controversy at the place I work, I at least have some more extra time at home now. So, here's a little mini-chapter for you to tide you over until the next full chapter, which I haven't started writing yet, but should hopefully come before the Gravity Falls Finale.**_

 **Chapter 15: Short Bits**

Here's a collection of short bits of episodes that wouldn't change enough to make a whole new chapter, but do have some parts that I think would be funny.

* * *

The Inconveniencing

"Hey guys, wanna see something cool?" Wendy asked one day, while she, Dipper, and Mabel were hanging out in Dr. Pines' repair garage.

"What?" Dipper asked curiously.

"Check this out." The teen pulled a big tube with a stock and sight. It looked more like a homemade bazooka than anything else. "You guys heard of a potato launcher?"

"Yeah." Mabel nodded.

"Well this is a _pinecone_ launcher. Watch this." She took aim at an overturned flowerpot with a target painted on it, sitting on one of the eaves of the roof, and fired. The pot exploded in a shower of earthenware and pine-scales. " _Yuuuuus!_ "

"What in the…?" The window just below the broken target was thrown open and Stanford stuck his head out, looking around nervously for the source of the noise. His panicked expression soon changed to exasperated as he spotted Wendy with her pinecone launcher. "Wendy, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"Chill, Dr. Pines, you're not _that_ old." The teen called back with a roll of her eyes.

"I hope you intend to clean this up." Ford said flatly.

"Yeah, sure." She handed the tube over to Mabel and ran up to a pine tree growing beside the house, scaling it in just a few seconds.

Ford rolled his eyes. "You could just use the ladder in the library."

Wendy was kicking away the remains of the flowerpot when a van blaring rock music pulled up. "My friends!" She exclaimed. "You guys mind cleaning the rest of this up?"

"Uh…" Mabel paused.

"S-sure!" Dipper said quickly.

"Thanks, see ya later, dorks!" Wendy vaulted down the tree and ran to the van.

Dipper grinned goofily as he watched the van drive away. He was brought out of his stupor as Mabel poked him.

"Oooooh, you _like_ Wendy!" She teased.

"Wha-ha-what?" The boy stammered. "I mean, o-of course I like Wendy, like, as a friend. She's cool, she's fun, she's _really_ smart..."

"She's _beautiful._ " Mabel supplied.

" _Oh yeah_. I-I mean, _no_ -" Dipper backpedaled, "I-I mean... _I like her as a friend._ " He said quickly before Mabel messed him up again.

"Yeah, as a _boyfriend."_ Mabel grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.

" _No,_ Mabel, I just... It's just cool that I've met a girl who likes science and stuff."

"You can bond over nerd things!"

"Uhrg."

* * *

Double Dipper

"Why are they holding a school dance if school's out for the Summer?" Mabel asked.

"Oh, some poor attempt at fundraising, I'm sure." Ford shrugged. "In any case, the PTA's making _me_ distribute fliers. On top of that, they're also looking for volunteers to help take tickets. I was hoping the two of your could help me with that."

"Yeah! This is my chance to make some friends here!" The young girl cheered.

"Oh, uh…" Dipper hesitated. He wasn't nearly as interested in going to a big party with tons of middle and high schoolers. While Mabel had fun meeting new people at these kinds of things, he tended to be more of an awkward wallflower.

The boy's hem-hawing was interrupted when Wendy entered Ford's office.

"W-Wendy! What're you doing here?" Dipper asked in surprise.

"Oh, hey dudes. Yeah, I had a few detentions I couldn't serve before the end of the school year, so I got dragged into helping out with this." The teen explained with a roll of her eyes. Then her expression brightened. "But it'll be _way_ more fun if you guys are there! I'm working the ticket stand, wanna help me?"

"Yeah, totally!" Dipper said a little too eagerly, with a huge grin.

"That settles that, I suppose." Ford said. "Now we've just got to copy these fliers. Take these down to the office, would you?"

"Why don't you just use that one?" Mabel asked, pointing at a decrepit old copy machine that was almost the size of the teacher's desk.

"Oh, _that_." Dr. Pines looked at the thing like he'd forgotten it was there. "It's broken. I mainly keep it in here because I ran out of room in the garage."

"Dude, why don't you throw that thing out?" Wendy asked.

"Eh, I'll get around to fixing it one of these days." Ford waved her notion off, before getting a text. "Oh, Soos is here with the DJ equipment. Wendy and I'll go help him set up, you kids go get those copies made."

Dipper knelt down and opened a panel in the ancient copy machine the second they were gone.

"What'cha doin', Bro-bro?" Mabel asked. "Grunkle Ford said that thing's busted."

"Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if I fixed it? I bet I could!" The boy said with a confident grin. He looked at the wires behind the panel and found one that had become loose.

"... Are you trying to impress Wendy?" The girl smirked slyly.

"What? Hahah, no! I mean, I guess… I'm trying to impress Grunkle Ford… _and_ Wendy. But not _just_ her. _Individually_." He re-connected the wire and reached to the top of the machine to lever himself back into a standing position. Dipper's rewiring started up the copying process, and it scanned his hand. The copier spit out a paper with his hand's mirror image.

"Success!" Mabel cheered.

* * *

The Time Traveler's Pig

The Roadkill County Fair was in town. Dipper had asked Wendy to hang out, Mabel had won a pig, and Lil' Gideon had set up a dunk tank that Ford was currently trying to dunk the little monster into.

"Hey Grunkle Ford, have you seen Wendy?" Dipper asked the old man.

"Ah, Dipper, there you are!" Ford said, turning away from staring intently at the dunk tank's mechanics. "You wouldn't happen to have two bucks you can lend me?"

Oh dear. Dipper was pretty sure he'd seen his uncle had at least twenty dollars in cash when he'd paid for their tickets this morning. "Uh, Grunkle Ford, you _do_ realize repeatedly paying for the dunk tank is exactly what Gideon _wants_ , right?"

"It's the principal of the thing!" Ford insisted vehemently.

* * *

The Deep End

It was the hottest day on record in Gravity Falls, and the Pines family had decided to take refuge at the pool.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone!" Mabel exclaimed as they walked in, observing a particularly cute boy leaning on an inflatable mattress in the water. "Who's _that_!?"

"Oh yeah." Soo observed. "Word is the dude never leaves the pool. Some kinda _mysterious loner_."

"Omigosh, he's got a little _mustache_!" The young girl squeed.

"Ew." Dipper said flatly.

"Clearly, you are enamored." Soos said theatrically. " _Go to him_."

"Weeeeeeell…" Mabel hesitated, looking up to Grunkle Ford.

"What?" He asked, confused.

"Well, you were right about my last two crushes being terrible. What d'you think of _this_ guy?"

The old teacher shrugged. "I couldn't say. I've never seen him before. He seems alright, I suppose."

That was enough for Mabel. She giggled excitedly and ran down the length of the pool, tripping over almost everything along the way.

Less than half an hour later, Ford got into a dispute with Gideon over lawn chair territory. They'd been about to go to blows when they caught the attention of Wendy, the lifeguard.

"Stop it right there!" She yelled after blowing her whistle. "You, old man, two hours in Pool Jail."

"What!?" Ford exclaimed in disbelief. " _He started it_!"

"Dr. Pines, you're like _three times_ that kid's size."

Gideon gave an evil giggle and slipped away, his mischief managed.

"Wendy, _please_ , I can't handle prison life!" Ford pleaded.

"Sorry Ford, it's not up to me." The lifeguard smirked. "Actually it is."

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: It's a short one, but I had fun writing it. See if you can spot a very tiny Phineas and Ferb reference in the Double Dipper part.**_


	16. Ford VS Dating

**Chapter 16: Ford VS Dating**

The Pines family sat at a booth in Greasy's Diner, looking over the breakfast menu. Lazy Susan came by to take their order.

"Hiya handsome, what can I get for ya this morning?" She asked in her nasally voice.

"Hello Susan." Ford said pleasantly, although he was currently preoccupied staring down each patron in the restaurant. "You have a children's menu, right?"

" _Maybe_. Wink!"

"... Taking that as a 'yes' then. I'll have a breakfast burrito, how about you kids?"

"Grunkle Ford, can we have pancakes?" Mabel asked.

"If they have them on the children's menu, then yes." the old man confirmed. "How about you, Dipper?"

"Huh?" Dipper was startled out of trying to watch Wendy over the top of his menu as unobviously as possible.

"Whaddya want for breakfast, goofus?" Mabel repeated.

"Oh, uh, pancakes are good, yeah." Dipper said distractedly, trying to duck under his menu to avoid Manly Dan's glare. Lazy Susan had just left with their order when another person walked in, making Dipper glare himself. _Robbie_.

"Hey Wendy, imagine seeing you here." Robbie said with a feeble attempt at suaveness.

"... You know that I come here with my dad _every_ Thursday during the summer." She replied with a smirk.

"Uh...huh... Yeah..." The goth teen choked out, before changing gears. "I was... Wondering if you wanted to hang out later?"

Dipper was glad their order hadn't come yet, because if he'd had food, he'd have choked on it. He had to do something, and _fast_. The boy took a deep breath, ready to do something he'd normally find _really_ embarrassing.

"Hey Wendy!" He called across the diner. It did the trick. Not only did Wendy and Robbie look his way, but he'd also gotten Mabel's attention.

" _Omigosh Wendy!_ Hi Wendy! Hey, over here! It's me, Mabel! Oh Look, your other friend from that one night at that one store is here too! _Hi Robbie_!"

Wendy laughed and waved back at them. Robbie did not look nearly as pleased. In fact, he was walking over to their booth right now.

"Oh, hello Robbie." Ford said awkwardly when he noticed the teen.

"Uuuuuh, hey Dr. Pines..." Robbie murmured, apparently just noticing the old teacher.

"Er... How's your summer going so far?" Apparently it was just as awkward for teachers meeting students outside of class.

"It's fine. Uh, actually I came over here to talk to Dipper. I uh," The teen cast his eyes around, as though looking for an excuse. "I wanted to show him that Manliness Tester, thought he'd get a kick out of that."

With that, Robbie grabbed Dipper by the collar of his vest and dragged him across the diner.

"Ow, Robbie, what the heck?" Dipper asked as the teen shoved him into the old videogame.

"I could ask you the same thing! You got a problem with me talking to Wendy?"

"Uh, ah, no…" the boy stammered.

" _Pch_ , please, you really think no one saw you staring at her? You're not as sneaky as you think, kid." Robbie said disparagingly. "You expect me to believe you just _happened_ to decide to say 'hi' the second I wanted to talk to her?"

"Uh, well…"

"So what's the deal, you got a thing for her?" The teen said in a low, mocking whisper

"No!" Dipper whispered insistently.

"Yeah, cuz I'm sure she's _dying_ to go out with a little kid."

"I-I'm not a little kid!"

"Oh yeah?" Robbie raised an eyebrow, pointing to the manliness tester. "Prove it!"

Dipper gritted his teeth and nodded. He'd show Robbie, he was almost 13! He was plenty manly! The boy clutched the handle tightly, squeezing with all his might and groaning with effort. The rickety old videogame lit up and beeped with increasing frequency. Finally, Dipper's hand couldn't take it any more and he let go with a panting gasp. The machine sounded a buzzer and popped out a little certificate.

 _You're a cutie-patootie!_ It read.

"Uh, this thing's totally broken!" Dipper laughed nervously.

" _Pch,_ let me show you how a _real_ man does it." Robbie smirked. The teen stepped up confidently to the thing and grasped the handle firmly. As he squeezed he tried to avoid making the same grunts of effort that Dipper had been making, but it was clear from the way sweat beaded on his face that he was having just as hard a time of it. Finally, the buzzer rang and Robbie let go, cradling his hand.

" _Ah man, I'm gonna have to massage this out later._ " He muttered under his breath. He took the certificate gingerly.

 _You're a middle-aged woman!_ His said.

"Yeah, this thing's like, a fossil, no way it's working..." Robbie agreed.

Suddenly, Manly Dan stepped between them, pushing both as side with his massive muscular body.

"Uh, it's rickety man, you don't wanna..." Dipper warned feebly.

"Thing's totally busted, it's not..." Robbie protested weakly.

Manly Dan pushed the handle back with his left pinky finger. All the lights went off at once and the little muscular man on top blew off.

"Pancakes for everyone!" Dan yelled with a grin, while the rest of the restaurant cheered.

Dipper trudged back to the booth where his family was sitting with a heavy sigh.

"Don't feel bad, bro." Mabel comforted him. "Not everybody can be _manly mannington."_

"Hey, I am _too_ Manly Manny or whatever." The boy insisted.

Mabel laughed. "No offence, Dipper, but _I've_ got more muscles than you! And you sing BABBA in the bathroom when you baby-wipe yourself off instead of showering!"

"Kids still listen to BABBA?" Ford asked in surprise.

"Nope, just weirdos like Dipper."

The boy huffed and sank into his seat.

"Relax, Dipper." Ford put a reassuring hand on the kid's shoulder. "You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you're as manly as you feel."

"I don't feel very manly right _now_." The boy grumbled.

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Lazy Susan with their plates.

"Food!" She declared, setting down three plates of pancakes and a breakfast burrito.

"Uh, Susan, we only ordered two plates of pancakes." Stanford pointed out.

"I know!" She said slyly. " _Wink!_ I made those special, just for you!"

"Er... I don't think I have the cash to cover more pancakes..."

"It's on the house, silly!" She insisted. "Silly man..." She chuckled under her breath, walking away.

"What was that all about?" Mabel asked.

"That's what _I'd_ like to know..." Ford said, a suspicious frown on his face. That wasn't normal behavior for Susan at all...

"Wait a second, I'm getting an idea here..."

Her eyes had looked normal...

"You, and her..."

Perhaps it was some side-effect of the Blind-Eye's memory gun?

"A-ha! Lazy Susan has a crush on you!"

Stanford nearly choked on his breakfast burrito in surprise. "Wh- _chough_ -what!?" He looked over to where the waitress was attempting to fix the spinning pie trolley. She waved at him and tried to smile coyly.

"That _would_ explain a few things." Dipper agreed.

"You should totally ask her out!" Mabel practically screamed.

Ford looked down at his plate awkwardly. "I'd never really... thought about her like that before..." Honestly he'd never really thought about _anyone_ that way before. Sure, he'd often hoped to get girls to talk to him, maybe win one's affection. But that had always been the nebulous idea of " _someone_ ". Now that he unexpectedly had Susan's attention, quite by accident, he suddenly felt a bit squeamish about the whole thing.

"I dunno Mabel, I've never been good at the dating thing." Ford finally said.

The colorful girl reached across the table and grabbed her uncle's head, making him look her in the eye.

"Grunkle Ford, you are a grumpy, paranoid, weird old man, but we are gonna get you and Susan together, because _nothing_ is stronger than the power of..."

"Love?" Dipper asked.

" _Mabel."_ His sister corrected. "To victory!" She cheered, and chugged her glass of orange juice.

* * *

Dipper, who wanted nothing to do with Mabel's latest matchmaking scheme, had left to the woods to try and figure out his manliness problem. He'd been making progress, bench pressing a whole stick four times, when a rumbling shook the forest. A flock of forest animals ran past. Surprisingly, Manly Dan was with them.

"For the love of all that's holey, _run!_ " The lumberjack shouted.

Dipper ducked behind an old log to hide, but his curiosity got the better of him. He peeked around the top to see what was making all that ruckus. A tall, brown, hairy creature with horns and a cow-like face stood in the clearing, using a buck's antlers to scratch its back. The thing suddenly looked his way and charged over, swatting away the log.

" _You!_ " It roared. Dipper screamed. "... Gonna finish that?" The beast pointed to a bag of jerky that had fallen out of the boy's pack. The boy shook his head mutely, and the creature stooped down and began devouring jerky by the fist-full.

"Wow." Dipper breathed. "Part man, part bull! Are you some sort of minotaur?"

"I'm a _Manotaur!_ " The creature corrected. "Half man, half... uh... _taur! Yeah!_ " It cut off its proud proclamation and sniffed the air. "I smell... _emotional issues._ "

Dipper sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I've got problems. Man-related problems."

The Manotaur sat down heavily and patted its lap. Dipper lay down his head and opened up. "Well, I failed this sort of Manliness video game, and my own sister thinks I'm a wimp." The Manotaur nodded as the boy went on, "Hey, you seem like a pretty manly-man. Could you maybe give me a few pointers?"

"Hmm. Very well. Climb atop my back-hair, child!"

* * *

Back in the Shack, Mabel had just gotten all her gear together to start teaching Stanford how to date.

"Ok, so Susan obviously already likes you, so we'll forego the makeover for now." She started, setting aside her makeup kit. "Let's practice conversation!"

Ford grimaced. "That's never been a strong point of mine."

"Don't you have to have conversations with people when you teach at school?" Mabel asked.

"That's different. I know what I need to say at school. It's… well, it's not exactly _rehearsed_ , but… I'm in control of the situation." He explained.

"Don't worry Grunkle Ford, I'll _teach_ you the things you need to say!" The colorful girl reassured him. "Now, pretend I'm Lazy Susan. How do you greet me?"

"Er…" The old man shifted his gaze around nervously. It felt weird talking like this to Mabel. Maybe it'd be easier to imagine she was Susan if he didn't look at her. "Hello Susan, how are you today?"

"Ok, lesson number one, _eye contact._ " Mabel said, grabbing her Grunkle by the face again and making him look at her. "If ya don't make eye contact with people they'll think you're trying to hide something or whatever."

Ford gulped. Usually he _was_ trying to hide something or whatever.

"And your greeting was _ok_ ," the romance guru continued, "But you could do a whole lot better than generic old 'Hello, how are you'. Try something more exciting and personalized, like 'Hey beautiful, anything exciting happen since the last time we talked?'"

"Those _exact_ words?"

"Well sure! Girls love to be told they're beautiful, and they love to know you're interested in what they're doing or thinking! But if you really want, we can try out some different greetings too, find one that you like."

And so Mabel walked him through a handful of greetings, compliments, and other romantic gestures. Throughout the whole thing Ford felt more and more uncomfortable and frustrated.

"Remember, good posture and eye contact convey confidence!" Mabel restated, as she did before each romance tip. "Now, to ask her about her interests. Most boys just try to guess what a girl likes by talking about their own interests and seeing if she agrees or not, but it's really better to just ask early on in the date. You try."

Ford took a deep breath. "So, what kind of music do you like?"

"Oh, I like 80's pop-rock!" Mabel replied.

"Oh, that's nice."

Mabel sat for a second.

Five seconds.

Ten.

"Yeah, _and_?" She finally encouraged.

"And what? I don't know a thing about 80's pop-rock!"

"Well, you could ask her what her favorite band or song is."

"I doubt I'd recognize any of them."

"Or you could _at least_ tell her what kind of music _you_ like."

"I doubt someone who likes 80's pop-rock would be interested in experimental synth-jazz."

"You don't have to _agree_ about it, you just have to _talk_ about it!"

"And what would talking about something we have disparate tastes in accomplish?" Ford asked, finally getting fed up. "Mabel, this all just feels… _fake_ to me."

"It's not _fake_ Grunkle Ford, talking about stuff you disagree about helps you learn to deal with conflict in your relationship!" Mabel explained.

" _Relationship_!?" The man gasped. "I-I-I haven't even gone on a _date_ with her and I'm supposed… we're already talking about a _relationship_!?"

"Well, there's no harm in a little optimistic planning ahead, right?" Mabel shrugged.

Stanford could feel his breaths shortening. " _This_ is moving way too fast."

Mabel finally took notice of how uncomfortable her Grunkle had become. "I'm sorry, Grunkle Ford, we can slow down if you want. Lazy Susan's kinda old, she's probably got a pretty small dating pool, so she'll probably wait for you."

"I'm not so sure I want her to wait for me." Ford said.

"Oh, Grunkle Ford, don't think like that!" She cried, "You deserve to have a happy romantic relationship!"

"That's not what I meant, Mabel." He clarified.

"Oh… do you not like Susan the way she likes you?"

"She's a great woman, I'm sure, but no."

"That's ok! You can still use these tips on other girls!"

"No, Mabel…"

"Or other boys, if that's what you're into!"

"Mabel, I'm not _into_ anything." Ford said slowly, so she'd understand. "I think I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm just not interested in a romantic relationship."

"But… but don't you want to be with someone who makes you happy?" The young girl stammered.

"You and your brother make me happy. And Wendy and Soos!" Ford insisted. "A friend can make me happy without all this romance stuff that, frankly, just feels artificial coming out of my mouth."

"Oh…" Mabel said, processing this new information. "I guess, since romantic stuff makes _me_ so happy, I never really thought other people _wouldn't_ want it. I just thought helping you with this would help make you happy."

"Well, I appreciate the thought, at least." Ford reassured her. "Y'know, I could still use your help letting Susan down easy."

"You got it, Grunkle Ford!"

* * *

They arrived at the diner just in time for the lull between the lunch rush and dinner. No one was there except for Lazy Susan, who was still trying to fix that darn spinning pie display.

"Uh… hello, Susan." Ford said to her as they walked up.

"Heeeeeey you!" She said with a smile. "And what brings you here in the middle of the day with no one here but us?"

"Well, ah, it's come to my attention that you… uh… as it's call now, have a 'crush' on me."

Susan giggled. "'Bout time you noticed!"

Ford gulped and wrung his hands behind his back. "I'm flattered, really, but, well, I'm really not looking to be in a relationship right now. Or ever, really." Susan's grin faltered. "But it's not you, I promise, it's me." He tried to reassure her.

"Oh, I see…" Susan frowned and turned away.

Ford looked down at Mabel, who shrugged. This wasn't what he wanted at all, he didn't want to upset the poor woman, it wasn't her fault.

"But, uh, just to show there's no hard feelings, maybe you'd like some help fixing that rotating display?"

Susan turned back to face them. A small smile had returned to her face. "Yeah, that'd be really helpful."

* * *

Dipper trudged back from the woods that afternoon looking about how you'd expect a 12-year-old to look after fighting a Multibear. He scuffed the ground thoughtfully as he walked, sure he'd done the right thing but still feeling like he'd never be a man.

"Dipper!" Mabel called to him through the window of Greasy's Diner, jolting him out of his thoughts. "It's me Mabel! I'm looking at you through the glass! Can you see me?"

The boy nodded and came inside to join his family. Ford was eating a pie he had earned as thanks for fixing the spinning pie display. The old man did a double-take when he noticed the state his nephew was in.

"Are you ok? What happened?" The Grunkle asked in concern.

"I'm fine, I just... I don't wanna talk about it, ok?" Dipper insisted.

"Oh, alright then." Ford said.

Mabel placed a caring arm around her brother. "What's wrong, bro?"

Dipper took a deep sigh and opened up. "It's just, I started hanging out with these tough manly bull guys to try and learn some stuff about manliness myself…"

Ford raised an eyebrow in surprise. The boy had _just_ said he _didn't_ want to talk about it. Sometimes these kids made no sense to him.

"But they wanted me to do this really horrible thing." Dipper continued. "So I said no."

"Well, for what it's worth, I think standing up for what you think is right is much more manly than big muscles or body hair." Ford said.

"Yeah!" Mabel agreed. "Being brave and doing the right thing when no one else is super manly and junk!"

"So… you don't think I'm a wimp?"

"No way bro. Sorry if all my joking around this morning made you think that."

And so they went home. In spite of the lesson he'd just learned, Dipper _still_ got overly excited when he found he'd grown a chest hair.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: Yeah, I headcanon Ford as Ace/Aro, and here's a little chapter to acknowledge that.**

 **Dipper and Robbie's animosity escalates a little earlier here. I actually feel pretty sorry for Robbie, he's probably the kind of guy who was bullied a lot, so he lashes out by bullying himself. At least that's the impression I get.**

 **Dipper's plot doesn't change much here, so I instead spent the whole thing as a Mabel and Ford bonding time. I feel kinda bad for leaving out Soos and Wendy though. Hopefully they'll work their way into the next chapter, I dunno yet, we'll see.**

 **Also, as soon as my own laptop is fixed (Borrowing my brother's right now) I'm gonna try and speed through and finish this story, because I just started working on my mission papers! So I'll probably be leaving for a year and a half, once I get it turned in and they send me back my mission call. This may involve skipping over some less plot-relevant episodes, but I'll try and come back to them if I have time.**

 **Speaking of skipping over episodes, I think a lot of you missed the last update because it was a replacement chapter. It's nothing too important, just some funny scenes from episodes I'm skipping over, so go ahead and give it a read.**


	17. A Widdle Problem

_Author's Note: Hey, I'm back! I know I said I'd try and get chapters out faster, but I had some finale-related drabbles to get out of the way. You can find them on tumblr, but be sure to let me know if you'd like me to post them on FFN too._

 _I've skipped ahead a bit. My plan right now is to only do plot-relevant chapters for now, and come back to other episodes later when/if I have time._

 **Chapter 17: A Widdle Problem**

Gideon Gleeful sat in his room, a single light illuminating the book he read. The pages flipped by in a flurry of paper as he browsed for an entry that would suit his needs.

"Hmm… Selkies? Nah, I wanna get'em to talk, not drown 'em…. Summon a wind storm? No, no, that could tear up the Tent 'O Telepathy ifn' I lose control of it." The evil boy chuckled to himself. "This is about more than revenge. This is about more than reclaimin' the love o'my life! Y'can't hide yer secrets from me forever…" He closed the book, revealing the golden silhouette of a six-fingered hand on the cover, "Stanford Pines!"

* * *

Mabel and Dipper were watching Ducktective while Grunkle Ford tried not to get into the story when the doorbell rang. Ford tensed. He wasn't expecting anyone, and judging by the kids' reactions, they weren't either. He strode across the house to the front door briskly. It was probably just a student come to talk to him, or maybe even Soos, come back early from his aunt's house. There was no need to get worked up. He'd come a long way from asking someone who came to the door if they were a changeling. The old scientist peeked through the blinds to check on whoever stood on his porch. It was a well-groomed man in a suit.

"No solicitors!" Ford barked through the door.

"Stanford Pines?" The man asked imperiously.

"I _said_ no solicitors," The old scientist insisted, opening a door a crack to show this guy he meant business, "now get off my property before I use my magnet gun to rip the fillings out of your mouth!"

"Please, Dr. Pines, we'd like to do a profile of you in _Scientific Oregonian_." The man explained. "If you'd just sign here…."

Stanford scoffed. "You expect me to fall for that? Even if such a publication exists, which I doubt it does, I haven't done anything they would warrant them wanting a profile of me in years. Decades, actually."

"Um… it's for our teacher appreciation issue?"

Ford slammed the door shut. Just seconds later he heard an angry cry.

"What!? That's not fair!" Gideon whined, coming out from his hiding spot under the porch. "He wouldn't even open the door all the way! I didn't even get a chance to implement my plan! It's not fair! It's not fair!"

"Ha! Unbridled paranoia wins again!" Ford hummed proudly to himself.

"Why is Gideon throwing a tantrum on our front porch?" Dipper asked as he and Mabel came in the entryway, intending to investigate the shouting.

"I think that's a question we _don't_ want to know the answer to." Mabel said.

* * *

Later that day, Mabel's friends Candy and Grenda came over to visit. Eventually they settled on playing a boardgame called Kleptocracy. It struck a nice balance for Dipper and Candy's desire for a more complex game and Mabel and Grenda's desire for something colorful and cute.

Dipper landed on an orange space and picked an orange card. "Draw three livestock cards from the opponent on your left." He smirked and looked over at Mabel. She sighed in defeat and spread out her hand. Her brother took three cards. "Yes! And with that goat, I can upgrade my farm to the final level! Ooooh! Dipper wins again!"

The three girls groaned. Dipper's winning streak of the last four games they'd played remained unbroken, although Candy had at least given him a run for his money at chess.

"Uhg, all this losing to your brother is making me hungry!" Grenda complained. "What have you got that's sweet and covered in chocolate?"

"Luckily for you guys, Grunkle Ford has a _huge_ sweet-tooth!" Mabel grinned.

"Ooh, I want to see it!" Candy giggled.

"Mabel, are you forgetting something?" Dipper asked. "Like the fact that he hides his candy stash in the cabinet above the fridge where we can't reach?"

"That's what you think, broseph." Mabel said slyly. "I made an amazing discovery this morning! Come see!"

The other kids followed Mabel into the kitchen, where they found Soos.

"Oh, hey Soos, could you grab us a few Reese's Cups from up above the fridge?" Dipper asked.

"Sure thing dude. Think I'll get myself a Shmez dispenser while I'm at it."

"No," Mabel stopped the mechanic, "I'm gonna do it!" She stood on her tiptoes and reached up, opening the door and grabbing a handful of candy. "Ta-daaaa!"

"Whoa! Lemme try that!" Dipper insisted. He stood up on his tippy toes and tried to reach the cabinet. His hand was just short of the door. "What!? This is _impossible_ , we're the same height, we've _always_ been the same height!"

"Actually, I'd estimate she's one millimeter taller than you." Soos corrected.

The girls giggled at Dipper's disbelief.

"Don't you see, Dipper? This is just the beginning! I'm evolving into the superior sibling!" Mabel crowed.

"You are like Monstermon!" Candy exclaimed.

"You're like a candy-grabbing amazon!" Grenda added.

"You're like some sorta Alpha-twin!" Soos continued.

"Alpha-twin! Alpha-twin! Alpha-twin!" the girls chanted.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Come on guys, no one even uses millimeters!" He defended.

"We use millimeters in Korea!" Candy said, "So she is taller, from my perspective."

"Y'know, I always wanted a little brother…" Mabel said smugly. "Who knew I already had one! Hahaha! Zing!"

The girls all laughed as Stanford walked in.

"What are you knuckleheads up to?" He asked.

"Uh, definitely not stealing your candy, if that's what you're thinking." Grenda lied.

"I'm taller than Dipper!" Mabel declared proudly.

"By _one_ millimeter." Her brother added quickly.

"It's ok Dipper, you don't have to get…hehe… _short_ with us!" Candy snickered.

"Oh, Candy, I hope you don't think _little_ of him!" Mabel added.

"Yeah! And… and… he's short!" Grenda chuckled. "Yeah, nailed it!"

"Stop it guys!" Dipper cried indignantly. "It's just a stupid millimeter, it doesn't even matter!"

"Don't worry about it, Dipper." Ford reassured him. "Girls typically hit their growth spurt earlier than boys. I should think _both_ of you are smart enough not to fight over something so small."

" _Snrk_. Small." Mabel barely concealed a laugh. Dipper growled.

"Uh, maybe you dudes should lay off a tiny bit." Soos advised.

"Tiny! Yeah!" Grenda cheered. "Soos is in on it!"

Dipper stormed off, completely missing Soos's protests that he hadn't meant it like that at all. He was so mad he didn't notice Wendy coming through the door the other way. He bumped into her in the entryway.

"Oh. Hey, short-stuff!" Wendy greeted him jovially. The boy groaned and pushed past her to the front door.

"...What's his problem?" She asked.

* * *

Stanford sat reading in the library. It was shaping up to be a quiet afternoon. Dipper was out exploring, and Mabel was doing stuff with her friends. His temporary peace was interrupted by a knocking at the door. He tensed and glanced out the window. Gideon. Oh dear… although, without anyone else around, maybe this was Ford's chance to have a talk he'd been wanting to have for a long time.

"Gideon." Ford said curtly as he opened the door.

"Dr. Pines." The white-haired boy answered back.

They stared each other down for a while, sizing each other up, waiting for the other to make a move.

Stanford finally broke the silence. "I believe you have something that belongs to me."

"Do I?" Gideon asked coyly.

"Don't play dumb with me, kid!" Ford shouted. "Red book, gold handprint on the cover, _my_ hand!"

"Hmm, it _might_ sound familiar…" The boy tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe if'n I had some information to jog my memory…."

Ford's fists shook with anger, but he tried to compose himself. "Please, you don't understand, I _need_ it to help someone in trouble."

"Well, maybe we can work together. I'll help you help your friend, and you help me gain _ultimate power_!"

"What!?" Ford asked in confusion. He'd been expecting Gideon to ask for money, or information about magic. But just full out power? "The-they're research journals! Sure, there are some spells and objects that could be abused for power, but… 'Ultimate Power'? What is that even supposed to mean?"

"My, my, you don't remember everything you wrote down in that there journal, do you?" Gideon chuckled condescendingly.

Ford felt something he hadn't for a few years: the fuzzy, tingly sensation of his memories trying to make a connection that had long since been severed. All he could think was it must be related to the portal, and to Bill.

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into! There are things in that Journal that are _dangerous_ , not just to you but to the whole universe!" The old man warned.

"Liar!" Gideon shouted. "You just want the power to yerself! Well, I thought that might be the case, so I had a back-up plan! Cursed Egyptian Termites!" The boy held up a jar of glowing red insects.

Ford smirked. He may not remember everything he wrote down in the Journals, but he did remember these. "Cursed termites, eh? And did you include a charm to prevent a counter-curse?"

"Wha?" Gideon asked blankly.

" _Is é an ceann a bheidh i seilbh tú do namhaid._ " The scientist recited the counter-curse he'd learned from a leprecorn sometime shortly before Bill's betrayal. Probably the only good thing to come of leprecorns _ever_.

The insects in the jar changed from red to green, shattered the jar, and swarmed all over Gideon's hair. The evil boy ran away screaming. Normally Ford would have gotten a little amusement out of this, but he had too much to worry about at the moment. He retreated to the secret passage behind the bookcase to start planning.

* * *

Little did Gideon know, there was another argument happening just on the other side of the house. The boy was so busy trying to swat away the last of the termites that he didn't notice Mabel and Dipper fighting over a modified flashlight. He nearly tripped over the thing when it rolled in front of him.

"What delightful manner of dohickery is this?" Gideon wondered to himself as he picked it up.

"Maybe he wasn't paying attention and doesn't know it's a magic flashlight that can grow and shrink stuff…" Mabel muttered to her brother, though not nearly quietly enough.

"Really?" Dipper asked her incredulously, gesturing to the evil nine-year-old standing less than a foot away.

Gideon flicked on the growth-ray and tested it on a nearby flower, then switched it over to a shrink-ray and shrunk it back to normal. He glanced evilly at the young twins standing before him.

"No no no n-" they protested before the white-haired boy shrunk them down to just a few inches.

"Heeheeheehee!" He giggled triumphantly. "I been goin' about this all wrong! I'll use his _family_ against him!"

* * *

Down in the portal lab, under the house, Ford paced restlessly as he tried to think of what to do now. He'd always suspected that Gideon may have found one of the Journals, the kid's psychic act had been _too_ convincing, gained popularity _too_ fast. But now that he knew for sure, he wasn't sure how to proceed. He'd always been afraid to confirm his suspicions because of Gideon's proximity to Bud and the rest of the Society of the Blind Eye. It was this same proximity that stopped him from just barging into the Gleefuls' house right now and stealing the Journal back. There would be no use in getting the Journal back if they just erased away everything he'd worked so hard to relearn. And what if they went after the kids? He knew from experience the Blind Eye had no problem erasing high schoolers' minds. It was doubtful twelve-year-olds would be any different.

Ford looked out over the portal machine. He hadn't worked on it for six years, and hadn't made any real progress since 1991. If he could get one more Journal, one more piece of the puzzle, could he finally fix it so Bill couldn't use it? Or would he still need all three for that? Or was activating the portal safely impossible, with or without the Journals?

He tried not to think about that. He needed to try anyway. Stanley had waited long enough.

If he was even still alive….

Stanford shook himself from these thoughts. There was another reason he needed to get that Journal back. From the way Gideon had been acting, Ford worried exactly how much Gideon had learned of Bill from the Journal. Had the boy gotten curious, like Ford had all those years ago, and summoned the demonic triangle for answers? Or had he simply performed the summoning as a joke, thinking the whole book was a fake? Or maybe the kid hadn't summoned Bill at all, and only read what Stanford had written.

The scientist wished he could read those old notes. His memories of Bill were spotty at best.

An alarm on his phone beeped, signaling it was time for Soos to come to work. Ford would have to find a solution later.

Today they were working on a shiny chrome-plated washing machine. Ford really didn't get why a washing machine of all things needed to look like it had come out of some sci-fi movie from the 90's, but Soos said chrome appliances looked cutting-edge. Which it certainly was, the thing had more settings than a good stereo. Ford had just taken some of the outer shell off to get a look at the wiring inside when the phone rang.

"I got it!" Soos shot up and raced to the garage office to grab the phone, dropping his lunch in the process. "Whoops! Ten second rule!" The young mechanic declared, stopping in his tracks to pick up his sandwich. "I'll clean up that mayo later." He resumed running into the office. "It's for you, dude!" He called.

Ford shook his head fondly as he got up to answer the phone. Of course it was. It always was, but that didn't stop Soos from dashing to answer it every time.

As the young mechanic left the room to let his boss speak on the phone privately, he noticed the toolkit Ford had left lying there. The _Boss_ toolkit. He picked it up reverently and admired his reflection in the chrome paneling. "One day…"

* * *

In the office, Ford was none too happy to find his caller was Gideon Gleeful.

"Stanford Pines, listen carefully. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over yer Journal and the deed to yer property, or great harm will befall them!"

"You really expect me to believe you outsmarted Dipper _and_ overpowered Mabel?" Ford scoffed. "That's more unlikely than some random publication wanting to write a profile about me."

"You don't believe me?" Gideon asked, "I will text you a photo!"

"This is a landline." the old scientist informed him.

"Oh. Well, I don't have your cell number, could you tell me?"

"No!" Ford said incredulously, hanging up the phone. What kind of question was that? Why would he give his personal cell number to his enemy? And anyway, he knew Gideon had to be bluffing. The last time he saw the kids they were wrestling or something outside. As long as they were together Gideon couldn't manage to do much to them, right?

* * *

"I daresay you would have defeated me, if it wasn't for your sibling bickering!" Gideon cackled as he scooped up Mabel and Dipper. The young twins had escaped his clutches, stolen back the magic flashlight, and had almost managed to regrow themselves when an argument over a simple millimeter had alerted the little monster to their plot.

Gideon snuck up to the front door of the garage, which led directly into Stanford's office. He could hear someone moving around in there. This was it. He opened the door and immediately fired the shrink-ray into the room.

"Well, well, Stanford, it appears I've finally gotten the best of- _what_!?" The evil boy exclaimed.

"Whoa. Something is _definitely_ going on here…" a tiny Soos said from the seat of the office chair.

Gideon scooped up the miniature mechanic and dropped him in a jar with the tiny twins. "Tell me where Stanford is!"

"Never! You'll never find him in the main garage working on a fancy washing machine!" Soos confessed.

"Soos!" Dipper yelled at him.

"Oh. Aw man, sorry dude, it just popped out!"

Gideon giggled evilly. "I'm comin' for ya, Stanford!"

* * *

Ford heard the commotion in the office and snuck over to the door that led from the main garage to his office. He peeked through the peep-hole and saw Gideon shrink Soos. The size-altering crystals! He'd attached it to a flashlight and turned it into some sort of shrink-ray! This was a disaster! The little troll already had Soos, and if he had this thing, maybe he really had kidnapped Dipper and Mabel!

The scientist acted fast. The chrome plating from that ornate washing machine would be reflective enough to bounce away the magical beam of light, providing him with both a shield and a weapon against Gideon.

Speaking of whom, the evil boy burst through the door, brandishing the shrink-ray like a gun. "Found you, Stanford!"

"Gideon, you can either tell me where my great-nibblings are right now, or I can send you home in that jar." Ford threatened, holding the chrome panel like a shield.

"If yer so worried about them, then you'll share yer secrets with me!"

As the two did battle with the shrink-ray and deflector, Dipper, Mabel, and Soos had escaped the jar and were currently climbing up around the back of Gideon's neck. Or at least the pocket of fat beneath his head that _passed_ as a neck. Dipper had come up with a brilliant plan to tickle Gideon into submission, but they weren't having much luck finding any weak spots through all the fat. They were obviously causing _some_ discomfort, though, because the evil boy reached up to swat them, knocking Soos off.

"Aaaaa-oof!" Soos screamed until he landed in a soft, creamy, vinegary substance. "Mayonnaise can be a powerful force in the universe." He said sagely, then began eating his way out of the mess. After all, he had told Dr. Pines he'd clean it up later.

Speaking of Dr. Pines, he was currently trying to reflect the shrink-ray's beam back at Gideon, but the kid was more agile than his pudgy body-type would lead one to believe. The evil boy charged forward and actually managed to knock Ford's shield away.

"Finally after all these years, after every humiliation! Yer knowledge, yer family, everything will finally be mine!" Gideon crowed triumphantly, backing Ford into a corner. "You got nobody to protect you now! Prepare for the wrath of Gideon Glee-" The boy stuttered. "Gideon Glee-" He began to laugh uncontrollably and curled into a ball.

For a moment, Ford was scared the kid was having some sort of epileptic episode, or maybe he'd suddenly been possessed. But no, closer examination revealed the boy was being tickled by… nothing, as far as the scientist could see.

Ford really didn't want to pick the creep up, so he grabbed the dolly he'd used to bring the washing machine in and wheeled the kid out into the yard. Once outside, Gideon seemed to calm down. He patted himself over, looking for the shrink-ray.

"It's _gone_ , Gideon." Ford informed him. "So hand over my Journal, or-"

"Or you'll what?" Gideon demanded, "Go after _my_ family? Ha! Even if you _did_ have the heartlessness for that, I know yer scared of my father an' the Blind Eye! Even better, yer scared of what the weirdness round these parts could do to yer precious nibblings!"

"Where are they you little troll?" The old man shouted.

As if on cue, Mabel and Dipper stepped around the corner of the garage, well and whole and normal-sized.

"Heeey Grunkle Ford! Whaaat, what's going on around here?" Mabel asked, over-acting as she faked surprise.

"Yeah, and, gasp, what's Gideon doing here?" Dipper added, his own fake surprise painfully under-acted.

"Kids!" Ford exclaimed. He turned to Gideon and smirked. "Ahah! I knew you were bluffing the whole time!"

"No! They- I-I _did_ … how?" The evil boy stammered. "Grrrr… You watch yer step, Pines, 'cuz I ain't bluffin now!" The boy walked away in a huff, leaving the Pines family to contemplate his threat.

"C'mon kids, let's go find Soos." Ford said, leading the kids back towards the garage.

"Uuuuh, you check the house, we'll check the garage." Dipper insisted, hiding the magic flashlight behind his back.

* * *

 _Author's Notes: This chapter brought to you by line breaks!_

 _It was really fun to write Ford and Gideon facing off. Stan's "I could not care less about this annoying brat" attitude towards Gideon is hilarious, it's true, and leads to some of my favorite lines in this episode, but it's also cool to see Ford treat Gideon like the threat he really is._

 _Kleptocracy is actually from Phineas and Ferb. Dr. Doofenshmirtz says it's his daughter Vannessa's favorite game. We don't see actually see it played in-show, so I imagined it like a cross between Settlers of Katan and The Game of Life._

 _Candy and Grenda finally make an appearence in-fic! Candy takes Mabel's "Huge Sweet Tooth" comment too literally._

 _Ford's counter-curse is actually Irish for "The one who holds you is your enemy". Again, I used Google Translate, so hopefully my favorite blogger Neil Sharpson never reads this. (He won't, I'm sure)_

 _Soos's Mayo comment is actually a quote from Chopped._


	18. What's Mine is Yours

_Author's note: Hey everyone, I'm back! Sorry I kinda dropped off the face of this website for a month. I promise I wasn't just sitting around. I wrote an entire 7 chapter fic over on tumblr based on an AU there. If you're interested in me posting it here, feel free to message me._

 _Here we have a rather large time skip here. As I said before, I'll come back to some of the episodes I've skipped over if I have time before my mission, but for now I'm trying to move the plot along as quickly as possible._

 _Speaking of my mission, I put in my papers last week, so I should be getting my call in about a month. I'll let y'all know when I get it!_

 **Chapter 18: What's Mine is Yours**

The house was buzzing with activity today. Ford was cleaning out the garage, looking for who knows what. Soos took this as a cue to clean out the rest of the house. Mabel's friends were here for a sleepover, and Dipper was gathering up all the 'clues' he'd found so far. Clues to what, he wasn't sure yet, but he was sure they were pointing to something.

"Soos! Look what I dug up out in the woods!" Dipper held up a dinner plate sized slab of rock with runes carved into it.

"Hah, whoa! Those old woods are full of weird secrets!" The mechanic looked at the rock curiously. "What's it say, dude?"

"I dunno yet, I couldn't find the script in the Journal!" The boy explained. "I'm gonna try taking it to the library tomorrow."

Dipper raced up the stairs, full of excited energy, easily lugging the book and the stone tablet in his arms. When he reached the door to the attic he heard the sound of contemporary girly boybands and raucous girly giggling. He braced himself before entering.

"AAAAaaaah!" The girls screamed. "Dipper, _knock_ first, we're not dressed!" Mabel reprimanded him.

"Waugh! I'm sorry!" He threw up his arms and covered his eyes.

"Hah, gullible." His sister snickered. "Just kidding! But seriously, you should knock."

Dipper frowned and felt his face grow hot. "I'm just here to put away my stuff." He trudged through the tide of glitter and tween movies to his bed shelf, when he noticed something was missing. "Hey, where's my cork-board?"

"We made magazine boy collage!" Candy said proudly, displaying the board, which was now turned sideways and covered in pin-ups of cute celebrities.

"Mabel!" Dipper cried indignantly, "That's _mine_! I had all my interconnected theories up there!"

"Oh, like you don't take that junk down and redo it all the time." Mabel pashawed. "Besides, it's not _just yours_. It was in this room that Grunkle Ford gave to _both_ of us, so it's really _ours_ , and I can use it if I want."

Dipper growled and set the Journal and the stone tablet on the highest shelf. "And you couldn't have _asked_?"

Mabel shrugged his anger off. "We were busy! Beside, you were digging holes in the yard!"

"You know what your brother needs?" Genda asked conspiratorially.

"A makeover?" Mabel grinned. Candy held up a handful of beauty supplies. Dipper grabbed his pillow and fled as fast as he could.

* * *

Stanford was settling down for the night, or at least trying as best he could with three screaming girls in the attic. He was in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water before bed, when he caught sight of movement outside. He reached under the sink and pulled out a can chemicals he'd brewed himself, 50 times more effective than Mace and specially designed for supernatural creatures. He stole silently out the door and watched carefully for whatever could be moving at this hour. He was surprised to find Dipper, lying down with nothing more than a sleeping bag and a pillow.

"What on Earth are you doing out here!?" Ford asked, quickly stowing away the aerosol can so Dipper couldn't see it.

"Mabel and her friends' screams are a higher decibel count than a rocket taking off!" The boy complained.

The old scientist grimaced sympathetically. He almost considered letting the boy sleep down in his secret study, it was sound-proof after all, but he knew that wasn't really an option. It would raise too many questions he wasn't comfortable answering, and besides, the place was an absolute disaster. He was fairly sure he hadn't cleaned it in the past decade. There was another alternative though.

"You could always sleep on the couch in the den." Ford suggested. "It'll probably be more comfortable, and provide more protection from coyotes." Not to mention all the paranormal thingums that milled about after dark.

Dipper mumbled something under his breath about not sleeping well on couches, but he seemed to realize it was still better than the flat ground outside. Ford helped him up and settled the boy down in the den.

"G'night Grunkle Ford." Dipper said to him as he left the room.

"Good night Dipper." Ford returned as he turned out the light.

There was another chorus of excited screams from upstairs. Dipper groaned and clamped a couch cushion over his ears in frustration. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

The next morning it was unclear whether or not anyone had actually slept. There were certainly periods of time Mabel didn't recall, but that may have been the expired milk Grenda brought. As her groggy but happy friends left, Dipper re-entered the room, looking just a groggy and twice as disheveled.

"Hey brother, want some popcorn?" Mabel offered, "We seasoned it with three cups of sugar!"

"No, I don't want any popcorn!" Dipper grunted grumpily. "Uhg, I haven't had a crick in my neck this bad since we tested out that homemade catapult."

His sister laughed. "Yeah, that was a fun time!"

"No! Mabel, I'm sick and tired of this!" He gestured to the absolute disaster area that was their room. Glitter, junk food, beauty products, and fashion magazines littered every available surface, and miscellaneous items were duct taped to the walls and ceiling. "I don't think anyone within ten miles of here got any sleep last night!" He flopped down on his bed, only to jump up in surprise when he found something hard lying there. It was the stone tablet he'd found yesterday, and it was drenched in nail polish. "Great! How am I gonna translate this now, it's completely illegible! I thought I put this up on the shelf!"

"Oops! It must've gotten knocked down when Grenda kicked the wall." Mabel explained.

"Ok, that's it!" Dipper stomped his foot down. "No more sleepovers!"

"Hey, you don't get to tell me what to do!" She said crossly, folding her arms in defiance.

"Then quit wrecking my stuff!"

"Oh, _I_ wreck _your_ stuff!?" Mabel asked indignantly. "How about all the times you tore pages out of my scrapbook so you could take notes on some cloud you thought was a UFO!"

"It was a blank page, and it's a binder, you can always put more pages in!" The boy defended.

"And that time you borrowed my raincoat and I couldn't wash the BO smell out!" She pointed a finger accusingly at her brother. "Y'know, if you took a hot shower that crick in your neck would probably go away!"

"Showering is a waste of time, I've got better things to do than stand around getting wet!" Dipper harrumphed.

"Meow meow meow meow!" Mabel mocked.

"Hey, don't meow at me!" Dipper shouted.

" _Meow meow MEOW!_ " She yelled louder.

The kids' arguing was so loud they didn't even notice the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. Grunkle Ford knocked on the door hard enough to be heard over their shouting match. "What's all this racket for?" The young twins both replied with simultaneous yelling and whining. Ford sighed in exasperation and came into the attic.

"Enough!" He raised a six-fingered hand to silence them. "Ok, now, _one at a time_ , explain to me what's wrong. Dipper, you first."

"Mabel's gone totally overboard with her sleepovers!" The boy whined. "She and her friends kept me up all night, trashed my room, and _ruined_ a couple of projects I was working on!"

"It's _our_ room!" Mabel corrected him. "Does somebody need a lesson on sharing?"

"Part of sharing is keeping whatever you share in good condition for both people." Ford pointed out. "Now, what's your side of the story?"

"Dipper's wrecked plenty of my stuff too! Like the time he overwrote my Monstermon savefile!"

"Mabel, we're not talking about other incidents in the past, we're talking about right now." Ford admonished her. "And Dipper has a good point, if you can't keep these sleepovers under control, then I don't think you should have any more."

The colorful girl stomped her foot. "Why do you always take his side? It's not fair!"

"I'm not taking anyone's side!" The old scientist insisted, but she was already stomping down the stairs in a rage.

* * *

As the day wore on, the young twins continued to snap at each other.

"Uh, shouldn't you do something about this?" Soos asked Dr. Pines worriedly. He didn't like conflict to begin with, and seeing it in these two, who usually got along well, was a little upsetting.

"They're fine." Stanford assured him. "Siblings squabble, it's perfectly normal. They'll work it out on their own."

"Dipper, that's _my_ mayonnaise!" They heard Mabel shout from the kitchen.

"I just need a little bit for my sandwich, I'll give it back in a second!" Dipper's voice complained back. "Hey, get your own knife!"

Soos's frown deepened, but Ford just shrugged it off. Compared to the fights he and Stanley used to get into, this was nothing. But he hated to see Soos so upset.

"If you really need something to take your mind off it, I could use some help cleaning out the back room in the garage." Ford told him.

The young mechanic gasped in awe. "You mean where you keep _El Diablo_? You never let anyone go back there!"

"Yes, and it's getting to be a problem." The old scientist admitted. "It hasn't been cleaned out in decades and it's getting too cluttered."

Soos looked like Christmas had come early. "Does this mean I get to help you work on her!?"

Ford rolled his eyes fondly. "Yes. ...Are you crying?" The mechanic's only response was to pull the old man into a tight hug. "Ok ok, keep it together man!"

* * *

Bored of arguing over stuff, Dipper and Mabel decided to go outside and check out what Grunkle Ford and Soos were up to. Mabel's pet pig, Waddles, trailed behind them. The back room of the garage had been opened, and a bright red classic car was rolled out onto the driveway. Cluttered boxes of miscellaneous _junk,_ for lack of a better term, littered the ground around them. Mabel opened a dusty box and peeked inside, finding an old motorcycle helmet and a fancy looking briefcase. She pulled it out and opened it to find a sleek pair of gloves and various strange tools. The gloves couldn't be Ford's though, the number of fingers was wrong! Dipper's eyes were drawn to a great big rolled-up something leaning against the wall.

"Experiment 78… huh." He read the tag. "Grunkle Ford, where'd this come from?"

"Just an old side-project." The old scientist said, not looking up from working on the car.

Dipper cast his uncle a suspicious glance and took a step back, carefully observing the old experiment.

"You're not gonna learn anything about it like that!" Mabel insisted, pushing her brother aside and unfurling the roll. When the dust cleared they found a teal-and-gold shag carpet.

"Whoa, cool!" Dipper looked the rug over appreciatively. "Y'know, I could really use this for the cold floor upstairs. Grunkle Ford, can I have this?"

"Er, sure" Ford replied distractedly, still not looking up from his work. The electron carpet wasn't dangerous, he didn't see why not.

"What!?" Mabel cried indignantly. "How come Dipper gets dibs?"

Ford sighed in frustration and finally turned away from the car's engine. "Because he asked first."

"But I'm the one who actually figured out it was a carpet!" The girl complained. "Dipper would've just kept staring at it for hours!"

"That doesn't get you dibs!" Dipper huffed.

"Kids, _please_ , I'm trying to concentrate here!" Stanford said exasperatedly. "Mabel, I'm sure you can find something else of interest among all this stuff."

"Uhg!" The girl groaned. "It's not fair! You always give Dipper what he wants first!"

"I do _not_ always get what I want!" Dipper countered. "You're just so used to always getting what _you_ want that you can't let me have something of my own for once!"

The young twins both grabbed the carpet and began pulling at it and arguing over each other. Ford finally had to put his foot down.

"Stop! If you're going to argue over it like that then _no one_ gets the rug! No one gets _anything_! _Both_ of you are acting like children. If you want any of this stuff, you're going to have to show me you can be mature!" Stanford told them.

"I-I _am_ mature!" Dipper's face fell at the accusation.

"Miss Mature, that's me!" Mabel assured her uncle.

"I know you both _can_ be," Ford agreed, "And once you start _acting_ like it again, then we'll talk about divvying up all this stuff."

The kids skulked off in disappointment. They'd really made a mess of things with their fighting, and now _no one_ was going to get any of the cool stuff from the back room. In their disappointment, they began to resent each other for ruining their chances.

Soos stopped them as they trudged back to the house. "Whoa dudes, that's a big carpet, y'know. And you share a room. Maybe you could, I dunno, share the carpet or something."

The young twins looked blankly up at their friend for a moment before going back to glaring at each other. Soos shrugged. "Eh, what do I know? I haven't got any siblings, so I get this is just one of those things I'll never get."

* * *

A little later that day, Mabel came upstairs to put away her scrapbook, only to find Dipper rolling out the rug on his side of the room.

"He already gave it to you?" She gasped.

"Uh… not exactly." Dipper admitted. "He was so busy working on that car, it was pretty easy for me to sneak it past him. Honestly, I don't think he'll even notice it's gone."

"You're cheating!" She accused. "We're supposed to be acting mature!"

"I am acting mature!" Her brother defended. "I'm taking the initiative!

Mabel's frown suddenly turned into a triumphant grin as an idea dawned on her. "I'm telling!" She turned on her heel to find her uncle.

"What, no, Mabel!" Dipper tackled her. They wrestled on the carpet until a sparking flash of light blinded them. After a brief feeling of vertigo, they both sat up dizzily.

"Dipper… why are you wearing my clothes?" Mabel asked in confusion, "And my… face!? Am I in your body!?"

"Am I in _your_ body!?" Dipper asked back.

They both screamed in horror.

* * *

After finishing work on the engine, Soos went inside for a break while Ford jacked up the car so they could begin work on the suspension and axles. The young mechanic thought he heard Dipper and Mabel screaming upstairs, so he hurried up to the attic to check on them. The three of them bumped into each other on the stairs.

"Uh, you dudes ok?" Soos asked in concern.

Dipper pried up the loose floorboard on the stairs. "Breaking stuff is so much fun~ I am Dipper and I stink~" He sang.

"Mabel's gone bananas!" Mabel cried, tearing pictures off the wall, "Pow! Zap! Ba-kow!"

"Uh, so is that a 'no' or…" Soos wondered. His friends seemed fine physically, but they were acting weird.

"Hey, be sure to tell Grunkle Ford Mabel was being really immature!" Mabel said as she ran downstairs.

"No! Tell him Dipper's being immature!" Dipper demanded, following his sister.

"Is today 3rd-person day or something?" The mechanic watched the young twins go in confusion. He heard Waddles grunting around in the kids' room and decided to go give the pig a belly rub. "Guess you don't know what that was about, do you?" Waddles snorted in response. "Man, I wish I was a pig! Wouldn't have to worry about friends fighting or wearing cloths!"

Waddles rolled around on the carpet and suddenly there was a sparking flash of light. Next thing Soos knew, he was in the pig's body.

"Yes!" He cheered. He waddled back down the stairs to have some pig shenanigans, completely ignoring his old body. The pig in Soos' old body got up slowly and stumbled down the stairs, occasionally banging into walls as he got used to the new body. The pig-man made his way to the front door and walked into it a few times, unsure of how to even grasp the doorknob, much less open it. He fell back in surprise when the door opened from the other side.

"Whoa, sorry Soos." Wendy apologized. "Didn't know you were on the other side of the door."

With the door now open, the pig in a man's body rushed outside with no thought of anything else.

"Hey, I got your text!" Wendy said, following him. "The doc _really_ pulled that old _Diablo_ out of mothballs? D'you think he'd let me work on it?"

The pig-man ignored her babbling and found an old burger wrapper lying on the ground. He bent down and picked it up off the ground with his mouth, then proceeded to eat it.

"Soos?" The teen asked her friend worriedly. The pig-in-a-man's-body turned back and stared at her with vacant eyes. "Uh… on second thought, I'll come back later!" She dashed away, completely freaked out.

* * *

Mabel's friends had come back, and now Dipper (in Mabel's body) was trapped in the attic with them, listening to Grenda read a trashy romance novel. Mabel (in Dipper's body), feeling left out, decided to listen at the door.

"Dipper, have you seen Soos?" Ford asked as he came up the stairs. "He came inside almost half-an-hour ago to get a snack and never came ba-" The old man trailed off when he realized his nephew was spying on girls while they read about love. "Oh." He said awkwardly. "I, uh, I suppose the two of us need to have a talk."

"What do you mean? Am I in trouble?" Mabel asked hopefully.

"No, we just need to discuss some of the changes happening to your body." Ford replied.

"What!?"

"Don't worry, I'll describe it in the most distant, analytical and scientific way I can, that should make it less awkward."

"Nooooooo!" Mabel cried as Ford dragged her away.

"So," The scientist began, setting down what appeared to be his nephew on his lap. "As the human body matures, a chemical center in the brain called the pituitary gland begins to produce hormones, a class of chemicals that change the active genes inside your cells, which in turn change the proteins they produce. This leads to large scale changes in the body, as well as psychological changes…"

Mabel quickly drifted off as Grunkle Ford continued to ramble on about stuff she _really_ didn't want to know about.

"...and can last well into your early 20's." Ford finally finished at least an hour later. Mabel shook herself out of her stupor when she realized he'd stopped talking. "You took that a lot better than I expected. Maybe you _are_ mature enough to work out who takes what with your sister. And I know getting 'the talk' isn't a pleasant experience." He said with finger-quotes. "How about you take that carpet you had your heart set on?"

Mabel gasped. Yes, she would _love_ to take that carpet, but her Grunkle wasn't offering it to _her,_ he was offering it to _Dipper!_ "No, you can't! You have to give it to Mabel!" She insisted.

Ford's eyebrows shot up and he scrutinized her carefully, a realization dawning on him. "I see." He said cooly. "Well then this is something you and Dipper are going to have to sort out between the two of you."

Mabel was so busy worrying over Dipper taking the carpet for himself that she didn't even register that her uncle had called her by the wrong (or was it the right?) name.

* * *

Later in the afternoon Stanford had finally finished _El Diablo's_ tune-up, and was now working on the final step: cleaning up the inside. There were still a few of Stanley's old possessions tucked away in nooks and crannies, but most of it had been packed away into boxes long ago.

He found one left-over possession tucked into the band of the driver's-side drop-shade. It was a tattered old photograph of a couple of teenaged boys lightly roughhousing after a boxing match. He smiled sadly and pulled out an even more tattered, older photo of those same boys, here only about ten years old, standing proudly before a half-rotted shipwreck they'd pulled out of a small cave.

He would have gazed at the pair of pictures in a melancholy haze until the nostalgia overwhelmed him, but he was interrupted by the sounds of an argument drifting from the open attic window. Oh great. The situation with the Electron Carpet was starting to get out of hand. He'd hoped the whole thing would work itself out, as the body-swapping was easy enough to reverse, but judging by the yelling several people were involved now. That was probably where Soos had disappeared to earlier. The old man sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He needed to put an end to this before the police got involved.

* * *

After a considerable amount of trial and error, everyone was back in their own bodies. There had been some trouble when McGucket didn't want to give up Candy's young, "innocent" body, and when Blubs and Durland switched it was really hard talking them into switching back. Now that everyone was back to normal though, Dipper rolled up the carpet. Everyone'd had enough body-switching for one day.

"Ok, now to get rid of that thing!" Mabel said, trying to grab the roll from her brother. He moved it away from her reach in a flash. "Hey, come on bro, you've gotta admit, that thing's way more trouble than it's worth!"

"No way Mabel, it's mine!" Dipper hissed vehemently.

She groaned in frustration. "What the heck's wrong with you!? Why do you care about some dumb carpet so much?"

"I don't!" The boy admitted with a scowl.

"Wait, what?"

Dipper's expression softened and he looked his sister in the eye. "It… it's not about the carpet so much as it is about having something of my own. We already have to share so much, and this summer we've had to share pretty much _everything_ , even a room. I mean, don't get me wrong, hanging out with you this summer's been fun, but now you're alway hanging out with Candy and Grenda. You've got your own friends and I'm just… l have nothing."

"Oh Dipper…" Mabel pulled her brother into a hug.

"I know, it's dumb. I'm just having a hard time lately." He scratched his arm absentmindedly. "You probably wouldn't understand."

"I guess you're feeling awkward and sweaty, huh?" the girl asked.

Dipper smiled. "Yeah."

* * *

"...And that's why I took it without asking. Sorry." Dipper finished explaining what happened to Grunkle Ford. The old scientist didn't seem at all surprised.

"I'm just glad that everything worked itself out in the end." He said, taking the rolled up carpet back. "So now neither of you want this thing?" The kids both shook their heads vigorously. "Well, there's still several boxes I need to clean out, if you find anything else in them you want, it's yours."

"You're sure there aren't any more of your crazy old science experiments?" the boy asked cautiously.

"If you pick one out, I'll be sure to let you know." Ford assured him.

The young twins rummaged around all the junk. Dipper found a shoe-sized box with a little dial on the front that read "CPS", and a metal tube attached by a curly cord. "Whoa! Is this a Geiger Counter?" he asked in excitement.

"A very old one, yes." His uncle confirmed. "I replaced it with a newer model years ago, but you can have this one."

Meanwhile, Mabel found herself wandering back to that first box she'd poked around in earlier that day. She looked at the old briefcase again. It was cool, but she didn't know what most of the stuff inside _was_ , much less how to use it. Next she pulled out the motorcycle helmet. It was much too big for her, but underneath that…

"And I will take a… _grappling hook!_ " She cheered, pulling out the device and holding it aloft proudly.

"Oh, actually Mabel…" Ford began to stammer, but she had already fired the thing at the roof of the garage. In a matter of seconds she was up there, hanging by the hook like a monkey.

"Grappling hook!" She cried triumphantly.

Ford shrugged. If Stan was here, he'd probably want her to have it. "Alright then."

* * *

 _Author's Note: This chapter brought to you by linebreaks!_

 _Dipper's feelings on showers are once again based on my youngest brother._

 _Don't try and tell me Dipper, Mr. "Revenge is Underrated" and "Let's use the Lilliputtians to cheat" wouldn't just take the carpet._


	19. It's All in Your Head

_Author's Note: I'm back, with an extra long chapter (14 pages)! Sadly, I decided to skip the adaptation of Land Before Swine, which is a shame because I did have an idea for it, but I'm supposed to get my mission call this week so I'm really trying to speed things up._

 **Chapter 19: It's All in Your Head**

One of the things about living in the Pacific Northwest was the frequent rainstorms. Even in the summer, which was supposed to be the dry season. It was pouring buckets, so the Pines family was spending the day inside watching movies on Gravity Falls Public Access TV.

" _Coming up next, Grandpa the Kid!_ " The tv announced.

"Ah, this one's a classic." Stanford commented, taking a sip from his can of Pitt.

Mabel groaned. "Grunkle Ford, why don't we watch something everyone will like?" She held up a colorful VHS tape. "Dreamboy High! Where love in on your permanent record!"

"Boo." Dipper and Wendy groaned.

"Er, maybe later." Ford murmured.

The conversation paused as an ad started playing. " _Who's cute as a button, an' always your friend, lil' G-I-D to the E-O-N! Wink!_ "

Everyone groaned.

"Gideon." Dipper hissed.

"Remember when I wouldn't date him and he swore to destroy us?" Mabel rolled her eyes.

"He's threatened me on multiple occasions!" Ford growled.

"One time, I caught him stealing my moisturizer." Wendy added.

"And yet our mutual hatred for him brings us closer together!" Soos said, looking on the bright side, as usual.

" _Come on down to Gideonland, soon to be opening at this location!_ " The tv announcer declared, and an image of Ford's house was smashed by the Tent 'o Telepathy.

"Wait, what!?" Dipper exclaimed.

The old scientist leaned forward in his chair, looking at the screen in disbelief even after the ad had been replaced by one about Arm Pants™. "That's impossible, not even _he_ could get away with that, unless…" Realization dawned on him; in a flash Ford had shot out of the room and grabbed his crossbow. He threw open the door to library and found Gideon, just as expected. The rest of the Pines family wasn't far behind.

"Gideon!" Ford barked. "I'm warning you, I'm armed!"

"I knew we shoulda waited to air those ads…" Gideon muttered to himself before backing away from a small safe tucked under a reading table. "Well, well, Stanford! We seem to have entered a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse! But it remains to be seen, who is the cat? And who is th-yike!" The boy jumped back to avoid an arrow going through his foot.

"Get out of my house!" The old scientist demanded. The albino boy finally gave up and took off, but he paused once he was on the porch.

"You mark my words, Stanford Pines! I'll get that deed, and when I do your secrets won't be safe anymore!"

Ford's only response was to fire another arrow over the boy's head, scaring him off.

"Dude, you just fired a weapon at a nine-year-old." Wendy accused her boss.

"An _evil_ nine-year-old." Mabel corrected. "Who was trying to steal our house!"

"What if he comes back?" Dipper asked fretfully.

"Don't worry." his uncle reassured. "The best way to keep a secret is to never tell it. Never write it down, never even say it aloud to yourself." Ford had made that mistake with the Journals, but the combination to that safe was in the one place nobody could ever find it. Unless… "Still, we'd better be on high alert until Gideon moves on to some other crazy scheme."

Later that night, Dipper ran into the den, screaming. "Guys! There's a giant vampire bat in the kitchen! It's the size of a condor, and its fangs are _huge_!" His family continued to stare at the tv as though he hadn't said anything. "C'mon, we've gotta do something about it!"

Ford sighed. "Dipper, there's no such thing as giant vampire bats!" Which was technically true. Giant _fruit_ bats passed through here on their migration route this time of year, and they had large fangs for biting through thick-skinned fruits like watermelons and pineapples, but they were harmless enough to people, as long as you weren't carrying a lot of fruit with you. _Then_ they might pick you up in an effort to get you to drop your food. The one in the kitchen would undoubtedly move on once it had raided the fridge. "Just come sit and watch TV."

"You're not even going to come look!?" Dipper asked incredulously.

"Bats are more afraid of you than you are of it!" Mabel said. "If we just leave it alone, it'll go away!" They heard a crash from the kitchen. "Or maybe I'm thinking of ducklings… hehe, quack quack."

The boy groaned in frustration. "No, Grunkle Ford, I've seen so many incredible paranormal things in Gravity Falls, but whenever I try to tell you about it, you won't even hear me out! I'm tired of you brushing me off like a little kid!"

His sister giggled. "Uh, newsflash Dip-dop, you _are_ a kid!"

"Dipper, I promise I don't mean to be condescending to you." Ford assured him.

"Then why won't you take me _seriously_ for once!?"

The old man closed his eyes. He felt like a filthy hypocrite for doing this, but if Dipper kept digging into this stuff he could get into serious trouble. He could get mind-wiped by the Blind-Eye, he could go power-mad like Gideon had, he could get in too deep and lose it like Ford had all those years ago, or he could simply wind up in over his head with some paranormal creature. Not everything was as harmless as a squash with human features and emotions.

"Because I'm a scientist, and I don't have time for these sort of unfounded, impossible claims." Ford said simply.

* * *

Ford had fallen asleep on the couch the next day, while the kids were out playing. He had been dreaming of that night, thirty years ago. The dream was even worse than the real event, as he watched like an outsider, unable to change the events no matter how much he wanted to. Just as he reached the part where the portal activated, the nightmare got even worse. The color drained away from his surroundings slowly, and obnoxious laughter rang in his ears.

"No…" Stanford breathed. His stomach dropped as his surroundings dissolved away and he was left standing in an open field. The wind picked up, blowing over the grass to form a familiar pattern: a triangle. Bill Cipher rose up from the ground.

"WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, _WELL, WELL, WELL_! IF IT ISN'T MY OLD PAL STANFORD PINES!" The triangular demon multiplied himself and surrounded the old man. "AREN'T YOU A SIGHT FOR SORE _EYE_! HAHAHAH!"

"Th-this is impossible!" Ford stammered in disbelief. "I have runestones surrounding the house, you _can't_ be here!"

"OH YEAH, YOU'D BE RIGHT, _UNLESS_ SOME BRAT DUG ONE UP!" Bill taunted. "SERIOUSLY IQ, YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK MY RADIO SILENCE OVER THE PAST DECADE ACTUALLY MEANT I WAS _GONE_ , DID YOU? I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY, MAKING DEALS AND GATHERING NEW PAWNS." One of the multiples floated closer and tried to pull at his hair. Ford ducked under its grasp and backed away, only to bump into more Bills.

"What do you want?" The old scientist demanded, "This is _my_ mind! I can counter anything you throw at me!"

"YEEEEAH, CUZ THAT WORKED SO WELL FOR YOU LAST TIME!" All the multiples merged back into one Bill. "YOU'RE IN LUCK, I'M HERE ON BUSINESS. IF THIS WERE A PERSONAL VISIT, I'D MESS YOU UP WORSE THAN IN THE OLD DAYS!"

"'Business'? And what's that supposed to mean?"

"IT MEANS YOU KNOW SOMETHING, AND SOMEONE ELSE WAS WILLING TO MAKE A DEAL FOR ME TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF, SO WHY NOT MAKE THINGS EASIER ON YOURSELF AND TELL ME THE CODE TO THAT SAFE?"

Stanford crossed his arms defiantly. "You know you've never been able to break me! I won't tell you anything!"

"THE FUN WAY IT IS THEN!"

"Do your worst, you'll never be able to find it!"

"YOU SEEM PRETTY CONFIDENT, SIXER! BUT THE LAST TIME YOU FOUGHT ME OFF WAS A LONG TIME AGO, AND YOU DIDN'T EXACTLY GET AWAY UNSCATHED. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GET THAT BAD AGAIN WITH THOSE KIDS AROUND?"

Ford paled. "You leave those kids out of this!"

"TOUGH LUCK SMART GUY, THEY'RE INVOLVED ALREADY, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" Bill flashed up the zodiac that Ford had found on the cave wall all those years ago. Three symbols, the Pinetree, Question Mark, and Shooting Star, were glowing.

Suddenly, there was a shift in the Mindscape. It wasn't anything visible or even audible, but Ford could feel distinctly that there were three more intelligences present in his mind now. Bill clearly sensed it too.

"SPEAKING OF WHICH..." The triangle multiplied himself into two again, and one poofed away.

* * *

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos looked around. Was this Grunkle Ford's mind? Whatever they had been expecting, it certainly wasn't this. They stood in a monochrome field of grass. It was mostly empty except for a few structures. On the horizon was an odd inverted triangle with a round hole in the middle, standing like a foreboding monument and casting a shadow over everything else. A bit closer, but still in the distance, was a small sailing ship, apparently run aground in the middle of this sea of grass. Closer still was an old swing set, with one seat swaying in the nonexistent wind, the chains making an eerie squeak. Before the three visitors, towering much larger than in real life, was their uncle's house.

"So this is Ford's mind?" Mabel asked, looking around in wonder.

"I guess so." Dipper answered, also looking around, only in worry.

"Huh, I expected more fancy hot rods." Soos commented.

"Ok, everyone keep a look out for the triangle guy." Mabel reminded them.

"YEAH, LOOK OUT FOR THE TRIANGLE GUY!" A booming voice called as a yellow triangle descended from the sky. Bill Cipher. He was just as he'd appeared in the journal, with skinny black limbs, bowtie and top-hat, and one large, piercing eye. "AH, STANFORD'S FAMILY, WE MEET AT LAST! QUESTION MARK, SHOOTING STAR, PINE TREE, I HAD A HUNCH I MIGHT RUN INTO YOU!" To punctuate his sentence, Bill fired off a red bolt of energy that ripped straight through Dipper's torso. The boy screamed for a few seconds before realizing he wasn't really hurt. He felt panicky, but other than that he was fine. As if to emphasize the point, Mabel stuck her arm through the hole.

"Don't worry Dippingsauce, it's just a dream, remember?" She reassured him.

"Mabel!" Dipper pusher her arm away, it was making him uncomfortable. "You're Bill Cipher, right? What do you want with our uncle's mind?"

"HAHAH, WELL, LOTS OF THINGS, REALLY, BUT FOR NOW ALL I NEED IS THE COMBINATION TO THAT SAFE IN THE LIBRARY! INSIDE THIS SHACK OF A HOUSE IS A MAZE OF DOORS REPRESENTING FORD'S MEMORIES, AND BEHIND ONE IS THE MEMORY OF HIM INPUTTING THE CODE. WHEN I FIND THAT, GIDEON WILL REWARD ME HANDSOMELY!"

"Not if we stop you!" Mabel countered.

"HAH, YEAH RIGHT! I'M THE MASTER OF THE MIND! I EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING RIGHT NOW!" Bill snapped his fingers and two brightly colored, strangely animated men appeared.

Mabel gasped. "Xyler and Craz!? You're real!?"

Xyler looked to Craz. "I dunno bro, are we real?"

Craz laughed. "First we have to define what's real, bro!"

"Radical!" They both exclaimed.

"YOU KIDS BETTER TURN BACK NOW, _BEFORE YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU WISH YOU HADN'T_." the triangle warned, a new threatening undertone to his jovial distorted voice. "LATER SUCKERS!"

"Come on, we have to follow him!" Dipper called to the others. "And Mabel, can we leave those two outside? They're kinda hurting my eyes."

"No way!" his sister insisted. "Trust me, they're smarter than they look."

"Whoa, I think, therefore I am! We _are_ real, bro!" Craz high-fived Xyler.

"Wait a minute bro, how do we know we're not just the products of _someone else's_ thought?" Xyler said.

Dipper rolled his eyes and proceeded into the house. Bill hadn't been kidding when he'd called it a maze. It looked like an MC Escher painting, with many doors and staircases where they shouldn't have, _couldn't have_ been in real life. Stranger still were the signs. Like Ford's posty-notes in real life, they were everywhere and they were all in code.

Dipper smiled despite the situation. "Hey we can use this to our advantage!" He pointed to a nearby sign. "I've been learning about code-breaking from the Journal. We can find our way around reading these, and Bill can't!"

"Good thinking, dude." Soos complimented him. The boy ran up to the nearest sign, which hung across a tightly shut steel door and read "UVZIH".

"Uhm… Ok, I don't think that's a Caesar Cipher…" He thought out loud as his first attempt to decode it proved unsuccessful. "Let's try Atbash… aha! Fears! So this is the wrong way."

"Good." Mabel said. "I definitely don't wanna go in there." Faint screaming could be heard on the other side.

They passed another tightly shut door labeled "SLKVH" and one with the door thrown wide open labeled "RWVZH". Strange objects and half-finished blueprints spilled out of the second one. Dipper finally stopped them at large, worn door labeled "NVNLIRVH".

"'Memories'! Here we are!" The boy pushed open the door eagerly. They all gasped. The hall of memories was not what they'd been expecting. While the rest of the mindscape they'd seen so far had been confusing but apparently following some unknown organization, the hall of memories looked like it was recovering from a tornado, or perhaps a fire. Several doors appeared broken in or burned down. In one corner there was a stack of doors that seemed to be fine, but next to the pile was a big sign with just a lot of question marks scrawled over it.

"Whoa, how're we gonna find that code memory with all these other memories?" Soos wondered.

"We'll just have to search 'em all!" Mabel proclaimed.

"Mabel is talking!" Craz said.

"So rad!" Xyler agreed.

And so they began to open doors, hoping to find some clue as to where the memory of the code would be. Unfortunately there didn't appear to be any rhyme or reason to how the memories were laid out, at least none that they could readily make out at first. Dipper opened one door to find a memory of his uncle walking into an office.

" _Backupsmore Student Services" read the plaque on the secretary's desk. She appeared to be a student employee, possibly an intern._

" _Excuse me, could you tell me where registration for Physics 118 is?" A young Stanford Pines asked her, placing his student ID card on the desk._

 _The secretary stared at him for a few awkward seconds. "Whoa, is there like, something up with your fingers man? Or did I just have too many of the ag club's brownies?"_

 _Ford quickly drew back and folded his hands behind him. "Uh, n-nevermind, I'm sure I can find it myself." He quickly exited._

"That's not it." Dipper said, slightly disappointed, along with some second-hand embarrassment for his uncle.

Soos tried his hand next, coming across a memory of a slightly older Ford driving down a dirt road with a young Manly Dan sitting in the passenger seat.

" _You sure you wanna build all the way out here in the middle of nowhere?" Dan asked. "You're pretty far out from the grocery store or the hospital or other basic amenities."_

" _It's perfect." the young scientist assured him._

" _Oh yeah? Gonna live off the land like a_ _real man_ _, huh? I love it!" the enthusiastic lumberjack gave him a hearty pat on the back, slamming Ford's face into the steering wheel and nearly causing them to swerve off the road._

"Nope." Soos said.

Mable tried a door next to Dipper's. "Hey look, it's Grunkle Ford teaching!"

 _She wasn't completely right. It was some time between classes, and Dr. Pines was walking down the hall. He could hear snatches of the students' whispering as he passed._

" _Hey, shush, here comes Dr. Six!"_

" _Uhg, freakin' Dr. Six. Gave me so much homework last weekend. It sucked."_

" _He's not so bad as long as you stay on his good side."_

" _Is he really crazy?"_

" _I heard he had like, a mental breakdown when someone drew an illuminati symbol on his chalkboard."_

 _Ford shifted his grip on the papers he was carrying to better hide his fingers, but continued walking as though he didn't hear. High School really hadn't changed much over the years._

"Sweet Sally!" Mabel exclaimed, frowning at the sad scene.

"This is going to take forever!" Dipper groaned. "We'll cover more ground if we split up."

"You really sure that's a good idea, dawg?" Soos asked, a little concerned. "What if we get like, lost in here or something?"

Dipper picked up some pieces of charcoal from one of the burnt doors. "You can leave a trail with this!"

"Look at this smart guy over here, coming up with genius ideas!" Mabel gave her brother an affectionate shove. The group split up, Soos heading for the very end of the hall, Dipper taking a side-path, and Mabel staying there with her Dream Boys.

The further along Dipper walked, the more he began to notice that there was actually a bit of a pattern to what memories went where. Things seemed to be organized by who or what they were about, like the memories he and Mabel had found earlier were both about Ford's insecurity over having six fingers. Further along Dipper found a whole row of doors dealing with Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, which led into a group of memories about Dipper. The first few were some memories of the two playing DDMD together, but Dipper pressed on. He wanted to see what his uncle really thought of him.

* * *

In another part of the mindscape, Ford continued to do battle with Bill. The demonic triangle was corralling him away from the kids and the memories he needed to protect by lighting large swaths of the field on fire. No matter how much he told himself the fire wasn't real, he would be fine, the searing heat was just too much. He couldn't even stand close to the flames. And try as he might to douse the flames by imagining fire hoses, rivers, and torrents of rain, Bill lit new fires as fast as old ones were put out, if not faster.

Bill paused in his tormenting, a mischievous gleam in his eye. "WELL WHADDAYA KNOW, LOOKS LIKE PINE TREE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM! I THINK I'LL LET HIM SEE A FEW MEMORIES THAT LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU _REALLY_ THINK!"

"Leave him alone!" The old man demanded.

"OH YOU WANT _ME_ TO LEAVE HIM ALONE? BUT _YOU'RE_ THE ONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM!"

* * *

As Dipper searched through the memories of himself, he found a door that was already open. The boy recognized this memory. It was the day Dipper had found a giant footprint and tried to convince Grunkle Ford to let him look around the area for more.

" _I've checked, it's three times bigger than the biggest bear footprint ever recorded!" Dipper insisted, dragging his uncle along through the mud excitedly. Ford clutched his umbrella tightly to avoid losing it. They stopped and the boy pointed excitedly to the rain-filled footprint._

 _The old scientist scrutinized it carefully for a few seconds. "This is just an irregularly shaped puddle." He finally said._

 _Dipper frowned. "Yeah, and how do you think it got that irregular shape?" he asked indignantly. "It's a footprint, look at it!"_

 _Ford pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly. "It doesn't matter what it is, you're not running around the forest in this rain."_

" _But-"_

" _No buts except yours back home!"_

 _He could get hurt, he doesn't know what he's getting himself into, he could never do it on his own. He's just a kid!_

Dipper slammed the door shut. So there it was. His uncle really did think he was just a little kid, incapable of taking care of himself. The boy sulked back down the hall, no longer bothering to look for the memory of the code.

* * *

If Mabel was being totally honest with herself, she wasn't putting her all into the search for the code. She was having too much fun watching Xyler and Craz!

"Opening and closing doors is fun!" Xyler said.

"I can do it also!" Craz said.

Mabel giggled. This was better than watching kittens on the internet! Unfortunately her alone time with the Dream Boys was interrupted when Soos came back.

"Any luck?" She asked.

"Nope." Soos replied. "Huh, this is taking forever! What if the triangle guy finds the safe before we do?"

"Hmmm, I think we need to change our approach." Mabel said thoughtfully. "We've gotta start thinking like Ford. Where would he hide something?"

Soos shrugged. "I dunno, bury it underground or in some secret compartment or something?"

The girl snapped her fingers as a thought came to her. "He hides his candy stash above the fridge, remember?"

They all ran down the hall, looking for a door that looked like the fridge. They finally found it back near where they had first split up. Just as Mabel had predicted, there was a small door above it, one that would have been easily missed. She climbed up on Xyler's shoulders to reach it.

 _A thirty-something Stanford Pines laid the deed to his property in the safe. "This is where I'll finally be able to make a name for myself, I can feel it!" He said proudly, before leaning over the door and inputting the code to the safe. "I need something easy to remember, but not too obvious. Hmm… 6, 15,-"_

Mabel shut the door. "We found it!"

"Sweet!" Soos cheered.

"But what do we do now?" Xyler and Craz asked simultaneously, then exchanged goofy grins. "Jinx!"

"I guess we should destroy it before Bill finds it." Mabel said, pulling out her Nyarf gun, fully intending to foam-dart the door into oblivion.

"Uh, maybe I should do it." Soos suggested. "My big arms are great for breaking stuff!"

"'Kay." Mabel moved aside.

Soos's face contorted into an uncharacteristically serious and even angry scowl. Too uncharacteristic. So uncharacteristic in fact, that Mabel was relieved when another Soos showed up.

"Hey dudes, I just found a memory of Dr. Pines swimming in the lake wearing one of those tiny 70's swimsuits! He actually didn't… uh…" The mechanic looked at his copy holding the door. "Somethin' weird's goin' on here."

The copy of Soos laughed in a creepy, distorted voice. Bill's voice! He morphed back into the form of a one-eyed triangle and continued laughing. "THANKS FOR LEADING ME STRAIGHT TO THE CODE, LOSERS! AHAHAHAHAH! IT'S FUNNY HOW DUMB YOU ARE."

* * *

As Dipper trudged back down the hall, looking for the others, he found more doors left open, and they all seemed to be various occasions when Ford had shot him down.

" _Dipper, don't go into the forest alone!"_

" _I know this place can seem creepy at times, but there's no solid scientific documented evidence of paranormal_ _anything_ _in Gravity Falls."_

" _There's no monsters in this lake. Not unless you count invasive species choking out the native wildlife."_

" _It's just an old storage room. Now come on, out you go."_

" _That is_ _not_ _the kind of thing you should be curious about."_

" _There's no need. I was_ _raised_ _by a phoney psychic, I can spot a fake when I see one."_

" _The convenience store isn't haunted, it was shut down for a health-code violation. Of course you can't go!"_

The sound of Mabel's yelling broke him out of his funk. He looked up to see Soos and his sister running down the hall, chasing Bill!

"Dipper, come on!" Mabel called to him. "We've gotta save Grunkle Ford!"

Her brother scowled. "Why should I? He thinks I'm just a little kid! He's never taken me seriously!"

"Dipper, I'm sure that's not true." Mabel reassured him.

"Yes, it is!" He insisted. "I saw it in his memories! He won't let me investigate the mysteries of Gravity Falls, but it's not because he doesn't believe in the supernatural, it's because he doesn't believe in me!"

Mabel placed a hand on his shoulder encouragingly. "It doesn't matter what you saw, Dipper. We still need to stop Bill, remember?"

"No, I'm not going to stick my neck out for him if he won't do the same for me." The boy said, crossing his arms with finality.

Mabel groaned. "Fine! Come on Soos, we'll save him ourselves!"

* * *

Having finally lost those pesky kids, Bill was ready to give the code over to Gideon.

"IT'S- YOU GOT A PEN THERE? IT'S 6, 15…" The triangle reached to open the door and hear the rest of the code, but a Nyarf dart shot out of nowhere and knocked it away. The small door went flying into a previously opened door, where the memory of a younger Stanford and Fiddleford stood before a bottomless pit.

" _Where in blue blazes did this come from!?" Fiddleford asked in concern._

" _Don't worry, it's just a stable wormhole. It's a minor side-effect of the portal, well within parameters." Stanford assured his assistant._

" _A wormhole_ _is well within parameters!? By whose calculations!?"_

" _Like I said, it's stable."_

 _The door flew by them, straight into the pit._

" _Oh, and it's useful for disposal!" Ford added with a grin. "It's great!"_

Bill slammed the door shut and turned to see Mabel and Soos, the girl holding her Nyarf gun smugly. The triangle burned red with fury.

* * *

Ford was vaguely aware of everything that was happening in his dreamscape; even though the metaphysical representation of his consciousness was trapped in a ring of fire, the fact of the matter was he was really everywhere. He knew Mabel and Soos were trying their best to fight an enraged Bill, vastly outclassed with no knowledge of how the dreamscape worked. He knew Dipper was wandering about in his memories, feeling betrayed by a friend.

There wasn't much he could do directly in this situation, but perhaps he could shift his subconscious, lead Dipper to somewhere they could communicate. Then he could pass on directions and advice to his nephew. He could only hope the boy would listen to him.

* * *

Dipper had no idea how to find his way out of the dreamscape, or even if he could. No matter how long he walked, no matter how many turns he took, he couldn't seem to find his way back to the entrance. The charcoal line he'd drawn was useless! It was almost as though the dreamscape was changing around him.

As the boy continued to wander, he found another door that had been left open. It was another memory of Ford's college days, but this one seemed different. Ford was arguing with someone. This made Dipper pause. His uncle wasn't normally the confrontational type.

 _Stanford stood in a room, with a blackboard full of intricate equations and diagrams behind him and a table full of his professors before him. It was his thesis defense, and one of his teachers was particularly sceptical of his project._

" _Your theories are completely unfounded. I can't believe someone with your talent would be taken in by such pseudoscience, personal interest or not!" The professor berated him._

" _Unfounded!?" Ford retorted indignantly, "What about the dozens of eyewitness accounts? The hundreds, sometimes thousands of years of legends? The unsolved disappearances? These stories don't just pop up out of thin air, there has to be_ _some_ _basis in fact!"_

" _Stories are no substitute for data, Pines!" The professor said curtly._

" _That's why we need to research it! So we can collect data, and finally find out what these anomalies really are, and what causes them! The scientific community can't continue to brush aside urban legends and so-called myths as though they were nothing. We'll never learn anything about them that way. The mysteries will just remain mysteries!"_

The door to the memory closed, and another one beside it opened.

 _Stanford stood at the desk of the college dean, who was holding a check._

" _Anyone who can stand up to such opposition with such determination will go far in life." The dean said. "I can't think of anyone more deserving of this grant. Congratulations,_ _Doctor_ _Pines, your hard work has finally paid off."_

" _Thank you, Dean Witherspoon." Ford replied._

 _Don't freak out, don't freak out! Ok, you're a doctor now, you have to treat these things with dignity!_

 _Ford awkwardly thrust his fist into the dean's hand instead of a normal handshake. The dean shook it anyway._

Dipper didn't know what to do with this new information. So Grunkle Ford had once been ridiculed for wanting to research the paranormal? But he'd gotten his research grant in the end. That didn't explain why the old man wouldn't listen to his nephew now. If anything, it raised more questions. That should give him _more_ reason to believe Dipper.

More doors opened, and Dipper realized he was back in the hall where memories of himself were located. Many of them were the same memories from before, but they played on further, showing Ford's thoughts and actions afterwards.

 _Oh boy. This kid was smart, he'd figure it out on his own if he kept digging._

 _Gideon's psychic act was_ _too_ _convincing, had gained popularity_ _too_ _fast._

" _You really expect me to believe you outsmarted Dipper and overpowered Mabel?"_

 _Stanford stood out in the rain with a tape measurer and a compass. "Thirty inches long, five inches deep, apparently headed east… that_ _is_ _odd for this time of year." The old man shrugged. "Oh well, as long as it's headed away from town, we shouldn't have any problems."_

Dipper stared in wonder. "So… he _was_ listening to me?"

The dark lighting in the hall around him seemed to brighten, and the temperature seemed pleasantly warmer. Almost as though the place was telling him "yes". Which, Dipper realized, it was. This place was actually his uncle's mind, after all.

"You were trying to protect me…" The boy said, looking in on his uncle in the memory. He reached forward to place a hand fondly on the memory, but he hadn't realized the barrier between the hall and the memory wasn't solid. He fell forward through the door.

Ford turned to face the boy in an instant. "Dipper! Oh, thank goodness." He hugged his nephew, then caught a glance at the large hole in the boy's chest. The old man's expression hardened. "Let's patch you up there." The hole closed back up.

Dipper gasped. "H-how did you…? What's going on here? Does this mean you actually believed in the supernatural all along? Why couldn't you-"

"Dipper," Ford cut him off. "I know you must have a lot of questions, but there'll be time for that later. Right now your sister and Soos are in trouble, Bill is attacking them! I can't help them right now, but you can!"

"But-but how can I help?" the boy asked anxiously, "Bill's some sort of master of the mind, what can I do?"

"Literally anything you can imagine!" Stanford encouraged him. "This is the dreamscape, after all!" To demonstrate, the old scientist imagined a door, which promptly appeared before them. "This should lead you right to them. Be sure to let Mabel and Soos know what they can do, I'm sure the three of your imaginations will be more than a match for Bill!"

"Thanks Grunkle Ford!" Dipper smiled at him before hurrying on his way. He had an evil triangle to defeat!

* * *

After defeating Bill, everyone awoke with a start in the living room.

"We did it!" Mabel cheered, but the celebrating was cut short by a gasping, shuddering breath from Ford. He sat bolt upright, looking absolutely terrified.

"Grunkle Ford, it's ok!" Dipper reassured him, "We defeated Bill!"

Ford stared at the boy as though he barely registered he was there. The scientist's brilliant mind was racing, trying to determine why his nemesis would return now, and what that could possibly mean. This could hardly be considered a defeat; Bill would undoubtedly be back.

"I'm just glad Gideon didn't get the deed!" Mabel sighed in relief. "I love staying in this old house!"

Suddenly, the house began to shake.

"Dudes! Earthquake!" Soos yelled, throwing himself on top of the young twins. And it was a good thing he did, as an explosion rocked the house, caving in the wall beside them.

"Oh, I'm sorry Pines family, did I wake you?" Gideon walked in wearing a hardhat and a wicked grin.

"What, but… but we stopped you!" Dipper stammered.

"You stopped Bill!" Gideon corrected "So I switched to plan B, Dynamite!" He held up the deed. "And now that this here deed is mine, this house belongs to lil ol' me! _So get of my property_!"

They all scampered out as Bud Gleeful brought around a wrecking ball, Soos dragging Ford along. The old man was still in a bit of a scared daze. Dipper looked back at the house in disbelief as the wrecking ball crashed through the roof. This had to be another nightmare, right?

* * *

 _Author's Note: I added a lot of my own headcanons to this chapter._

 _I wrote most of this on my way to the airport, which is why I didn't get to put the google doc up for others to watch during the last half._

 _Alex Hirsch has stated in a few interviews that more than anything, Dipper wants to be taken seriously, and that's a big part of why he bonds so quickly with Ford in canon, so I figured the best way to bring them to a conflict here was to make Dipper feel like Ford_ wasn't _taking him seriously._


	20. The Fall of Gideon Gleeful

_Author's Note: Well if I can somehow keep this rate up I might get three or four more chapters in before I have to go! It's kinda doubtful that I'll be able to keep it up though, as I'm gonna get busier and busier as I get ready. Well, in any case, I'm proud of this chapter, and I hope you like it!_

 **Chapter 20: The Fall of Gideon Gleeful**

After Gideon had taken possession of their house, the Pines family had to spend the night at Soos's place, where the mechanic's abuelita was kind enough let them stay. Unfortunately, they still had a hard time sleeping that night. Partially because the sleeping bags they were using were old and lumpy, and partially because once they did fall asleep, Dipper and Grunkle Ford both woke up screaming from nightmares multiple times through the night.

Ford had not been doing well since his recent encounter with Bill Cipher. He was twitchy, and jumped at every unexpected sound or movement. He kept a wary eye on every stranger that crossed his line of sight. Dipper and Mabel were beginning to see why he had a reputation of being crazy among the townsfolk.

Meanwhile, the kids were racking their brains, trying to think of a way to save the day. Mabel suggested her grappling hook, but Dipper was skeptical of its use in this situation.

"We should go to the police, or take Gideon to court or something!" Dipper said, "He can't take your house just because he stole the deed, property laws don't work that way!"

"They do in Gravity Falls." Ford said glumly. "Remember, this town was founded by Quentin Trembley. Property being tied to the physical deed isn't even the craziest law he passed here. It's also legal to build and operate giant robots within the city limits, which is pretty incredible when you consider not even the concept of robots existed back in the 1800's."

"He really was ahead of his time." Mabel said in awe.

"But… but there has to be something we can do!" Dipper fretted.

"Well, we could go down to the ground-breaking of Gideonland and yell at him!" Soos suggested. "Probably won't actually do anything useful, but it might make you feel a little better."

Without much else in the way of options, the Pines decided to follow their friends advice. They snuck into the ground-breaking ceremony.

"Why do we have to wear disguises?" Dipper asked as he pulled the fence up for the others to crawl under.

"Because I wanted to wear this awesome mustache!" Mabel said with a grin.

"Because I doubt Gideon would let us in otherwise, considering our quarrel with him." Ford clarified.

All the people around them were chatting animatedly, describing how Gideon's psychic powers had guessed impossible-to-guess things, and fawning over how cute he was. It made Ford sick. His journals hadn't been meant to be used this way! He couldn't even remember anything that would allow Gideon to learn people's secrets like this. It couldn't be mind-reading, otherwise the little troll wouldn't be so keen on getting Ford to reveal what he knew. X-ray vision, perhaps?

The old scientist was shaken from his thoughts when Gideon unveiled his new mascot.

"Boom, he's a pig!" The albino boy declared, whipping a sheet off a familiar pig dressed in a tiny blue blazer and white wig.

"Waddles!" Mabel cried, "You monster!" She rushed forward to reclaim her pig, pushing past the crowd. Her family members had no choice but to follow her.

"Well look who we have here!" Gideon said brightly as he watched Mabel jump up on the stage. "Mabel, my sweet, always a delight to see you. Oh, and Dr. Pines! I really must thank you for givin' me the deed to this here property. ...Dipper." He added weakly.

"Listen up, people, Gideon's a fraud!" Dipper yelled out to the crowd. "He broke in and stole the deed from our house!"

Unfortunately, the crowd didn't believe him.

"Lil' Gideon would never steal!" Lazy Susan protested.

"He's Gravity Falls sweetheart!" Manly Dan yelled. "I love him _so much!_ "

"Yeah!" Deputy Durland agreed. "We love you Lil' Gideon, sing them funny songs!"

Gideon snapped and a pair of burly body-guards stepped forward and manhandled them off the stage.

"Thanks for visitin' folks, but I'm afraid y'all are causin' a scene. But Mabel, feel free to stop by anytime! As for the rest of y'all, I'm workin' on the restrainin' order."

* * *

Stanford sat in the bathroom of Soos's house. He wouldn't normally talk on the cellphone in someone else's bathroom, but it was the most private room in the house at the moment, and he really didn't want this conversation to be overheard.

"Where are you staying?" Mrs. Pines asked over the line.

"Unfortunately there aren't any hotels or motels in town, so we're staying with one of my colleagues for now." Ford said, carefully omitting the fact that Soos was actually one of his former students, rather than a fellow teacher from the school.

"I can't believe this! The _gall_ of those developers, you should take them to court Stanford!" Mr. Pines said indignantly.

The old scientist smiled despite the situation. "That's what your son suggested." He sighed. "I'm doing what I can, but for the time being, I really think it would be best if the kids went home."

"Oh, are you sure?" Mrs. Pines asked sadly. "From Mabel's letters it seemed like you were all getting along so well."

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course he didn't _want_ the kids to go, but it wasn't safe for them here, not with Bill's return and Gideon's schemes. But he couldn't tell their parents that. "We have, and I hate to see them go, but I don't want them to spend their whole summer sleeping in sleeping bags on the living room floor. I'm not sure when or even _if_ I'll be able to fix this. I just want to do what's best for them."

"Go ahead and send them home if you think that's best," Mr. Pines said, "but be sure to call us if circumstances change. I'm sure Mabel and Dipper would love to come back."

"Good luck Stanford, take care." Mrs. Pines said in farewell.

"Thanks, you too." Ford replied. He set the phone down heavily and ran a hand through his hair. Now came the hard part: telling the kids.

They were both sitting in the living room. Mabel and Soos were playing with a broken racetrack, while Dipper watched glumly from the sidelines, but he jumped up once his uncle entered the room.

"Grunkle Ford! I know you've been really busy and stressed out lately, but I've been meaning to talk to you about what happened before, y'know, with Bill."

The old man frowned sadly and pulled a couple of slips of paper out of his pocket, handing them to Dipper.

"Are these... bus tickets back to California?" The boy asked in shock.

"What!?" Mabel exclaimed. "Grunkle Ford you can't give up!"

"Yeah dude! You can't just leave these little guys hangin'!" Soos agreed, shaking Mabel's shoulder. "Be cuter Mabel, your summer depends on it!"

Ford knelt down and looked the two of them in the eye. "I'm sorry, I wish you could stay, but it's just not safe. I couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to you two while you were here."

" _Why_ isn't it safe though?" Dipper asked desperately. "Can't we at least talk before we have to go?"

The scientist paused, thinking it over, going back and forth whether or not he should, but in the end he erred on the side of caution. "I've been keeping these things secret for a reason."

"But you said-" Dipper protested.

"That was _before_ Gideon stole the deed to my house!" Ford stopped him. "I'm sorry Dipper, but please trust me on this."

Stanford left the kids and trudged out the door, a grim resolution in his steps. There was only one thing left to do now. Gideon had one Journal, he was in contact with Bill, and now he owned the building where the portal was located. Ford _couldn't_ let him find it. Not in one piece, anyway.

* * *

While the kids were galavanting around trying to find their own way to stop Gideon, Ford was staking out his former house, watching carefully while hidden in the trees of the surrounding forest. Gideon and his father both had shovels, and were digging up the property, seemingly at random intervals.

"Where are you Journal..." Gideon muttered to himself as he dug. "Where are you?"

So Gideon was looking for the other Journals as well? He wasn't going to have any luck so close to the house, that was for sure. Ford had already combed over that area extensively.

"Boy, I hate to interrupt ya, but you've got visitors." Bud called to his son. Gideon followed, grumbling under his breath about stupid podunk busy-bodies.

Ford stepped out into the clearing. This was the distraction he'd been waiting for, a chance to sneak in and reach the portal lab unnoticed. He climbed up a tree onto the roof, and was about to enter through a trapdoor into the library when he heard a voice behind him.

"Well howdy Stanford!" Old Man McGucket called. He was perched with his welding equipment on a large metal something. What, Ford could only guess, as it was mostly covered by a large sheet.

"Fiddleford!" The old teacher nearly jumped out of his shoes. "Uh… how are you?" He asked, trying to gauge his crazy old friend's mood. There were few worse times for someone to be shouting at him, but if Fiddleford was here and being chummy, maybe Stanford could use that to his advantage.

"I'm doin' great! Got a job workin' fer Gideon here! He's havin' me build somethin' fer 'im!" McGucket said proudly. "Firs' buildin' job I had in a long while!"

Ford's stomach flip-flopped. Had Gideon already found the portal!? Was he using Fiddleford to activate it!? It was bad enough that Gideon was playing with dangerous forces beyond his understanding, but making McGucket work on the very thing that had driven him mad in the first place was just cruel, whether the Gleeful boy realized what he was doing or not.

"You wanna come see what I'm workin' on?" Fiddleford asked. He was obviously in one of his friendlier moods today, he was acting just like he had when they'd been lab partners back in college.

"Yes! Yes I'd like to see what you're working on!" Ford agreed quickly. This was the perfect opportunity!

"Come on then!" The old coot pulled back a panel to show the inner workings of the metal something. McGucket grabbed onto a chain and climbed up nimbly. Stanford stooped down and did his best to follow. He couldn't help but be reminded of their old expeditions into the ancient alien spaceship, although their roles were now reversed. Now Fiddleford was the one charging ahead without a second thought and Ford was the one hanging back cautiously.

They climbed over giant pistons and joints until they found themselves in a large, round room with a couple of round windows and light shining down on a round platform.

"This here's where the pilot goes!" Fiddleford explained excitedly. "He wears a funky suit with thingamawhatsits all over it so as the computermajig can read his movements. Then the codey-chip thingys tell the servos what ways they should turn an' all! Got the idea from watching the special features of The Lord of the Rings movies through some guy's window! Wish I'd thoughta it fer the Gobblewonker!"

Stanford frowned in confusion. This wasn't what he'd been expecting at all. This wasn't related to the portal, as far as he could tell. But at least his old friend wasn't working on the very thing that had driven them apart. And he couldn't exactly leave now. McGucket might tell Gideon that Ford had been here. As long as they were on this little tour, he was safe.

That led Ford's thoughts to another question. "Fiddleford, why are you working for Gideon, anyway?"

McGucket shrugged. "I dunno, just got a good feelin' 'bout the kid!"

The old teacher shook his head in disbelief. And _he_ was supposed to be the one who was a horrible judge of character.

"An' besides that, I needed the money." The old coot continued. "I been havin' a hard time makin' ends meet since I quit workin' for you…"

Ford could see this conversation was beginning to lead down a path that typically ended with McGucket yelling at him, so he quickly changed the subject.

"What's down here?" He asked, pointing to a hatch at his feet.

"Oh, that's jus' a little somethin' Gideon had me move outta his old place." Fiddleford explained. "Wanted to make it mobile, so that's what I did! Heheh!"

Ford cranked open the hatch and climbed the ladder down to find another round room, this one covered from floor to ceiling in monitors, with a comfy chair shaped like the star from the Tent-o-Telepathy. Each monitor showed a different citizen of Gravity Falls, many of them in the middle of doing something decidedly private, embarrassing, or secretive.

"The kid really likes his reality TV." Fiddleford commented.

"Hidden cameras! So _that's_ how he's doing it!" Ford exclaimed, a hopeful grin spreading across his face. "Unlawful surveillance… wow, when I reveal this… this is a _felony_ , all his property will be forfeit, including my place!"

Ford's moment of triumph was interrupted when Gideon's staticy voice rang through the room. "Old man! Is it ready?"

McGucket reached into his beard and pulled out a walkie-talkie. "Only one way to find out!"

"Wait!" Ford hissed quietly, so the receiver wouldn't pick him up. "We need to get out of here first!"

"Oh yeah!" Fiddleford smacked his head. "Heheh, silly me, always forgettin'." He found another hatch that dropped them down at the bottom of the sheet. Ford snuck away before Gideon could see him. He hadn't gotten a chance to find out what frequency these hidden cameras were broadcasting on, but now that he knew what to look for, Ford was sure he could find it soon.

* * *

Since his old garage was currently on enemy territory, Ford had to do a bit of dumpster diving to find an old radio he could modify to search for the hidden cameras' signal. That had attracted more than a few odd looks from the towns folk, but he was pretty good at ignoring them.

Finally, he finished his tweaking and turned the scanner on, searching for the correct signal. The Gravity Falls Mall seemed like a decent place to start.

"Hm… no, that's the police's frequency…" The old man mumbled to himself as he carefully turned the knobs, watching the tiny monitor and listening to the speaker carefully. "...and the local TV station…" He continued, completely missing the TVs in the electronics store behind him fuzzing out all at once. "Aha! There it is!" Several mall-goers turned and stared at him.

Now that he had the signal, Ford just needed to triangulate the location! He wandered all over the mall, taking note of the strength of the signal at several different places until he felt confident that he had pinpointed their source.

"Of course! The pins!" He exclaimed when he saw it. "It all makes sense! Gideon's been giving these out to everybody as a promotion for the Tent-o-Telepathy, and of course they'd all keep something so cute on their person! That's how he seems to be able to read minds!"

"Uh… what are you talking about?" Tyler Cutebiker, who was wearing the pin Ford was currently observing, asked.

"You'll find out soon enough. Right now I need that pin!" Ford demanded.

"What'll you trade me for it?" Tyler asked.

"Er, well, I've got this receiver here that works as a radio, television, and mobile phone."

"Hmmm… does it come in green?"

"... Y'know, actually I think I know someone who could lend me some green spray paint. Wait right here."

* * *

"Kids!" Stanford exclaimed as he entered into the Ramirez's house. "I've finally found good solid evidence against Gideon!"

He was surprised to find the house entirely quiet. No Mabel knocking about with her playful enthusiasm, no Dipper asking uncomfortably close questions, not even Soos, with his goodnatured clumsiness. The place seemed to be quiet, that is until he found Abuelita sitting in her usual chair in front of the TV.

"Where is everyone?" he asked her.

"They go to the bus." She replied. "Maybe an hour ago."

The old man's stomach clenched. He checked his watch, and sure enough, the bus taking the kids back to California had left almost an hour ago. He'd completely lost track of time while he was following that lead on Gideon's hidden surveillance.

"Oh no…" He sat down heavily on the couch heavily, his emotions starting to get the better of him. "I… I didn't even get to say goodbye…" It felt like his heart had been crushed by that robot Fiddleford had built. After all that time bonding with the kids, after all they'd done together, he'd just let them go. Stanford mentally reprimanded himself for always letting this happen.

But no, it didn't have to happen this time! He had a way to expose Gideon's true nature to the town, and once it was safe in Gravity Falls again, the kids could come back. He could still fix this. He stood back up, gripping the Gideon pin tightly in his large hand.

"I have to go now!" He told Mz. Ramirez, dashing out the door.

"Siempre en un apuro, ese tipo." She muttered softly as he left.

* * *

Dipper looked forlornly out the window as they approached the edge or Roadkill County.

"Hey Dipper, wanna play bus-seat treasure hunt?" Mabel asked him, vainly trying to raise his spirits.

"He didn't even say goodbye." The boy said bitterly.

"C'mon bro, we know Grunkle Ford loves us!" Mabel reassured him. "Remember? We went through that whole Dreamscape trip thingy and made sure. I bet it would've been too emotional for him."

Her brother sighed, still staring out the window. "It's just, I thought we were friends, y'know? But in the end, it turned out he was hiding stuff from me! I just wonder if that's part of the reason he didn't come."

"Aw Dipper," Mabel hugged him. "Sometimes people hide stuff, even from people they love. Like how I never told you about that vampire blind-date, or how you never told Grunkle Ford about your creepy Journal."

The boy finally turned and looked at his sister. He hadn't really thought of it that way, but he supposed she had a point. But as he turned, he caught sight of something that completely shook other thoughts from his mind.

"Giant robot!" He cried.

"Wait, what?" Mabel asked in confusion, before turning and seeing the giant Gideon-shaped robot barreling down the road towards them. "Mr. Busdriver!" She yelled, running up to the front. "There's a giant Gideon-bot chasing us!"

"Relax, Hambone, once I find the button that transforms this bus into a giant fighting robot of our own, we'll take him!"

"Soos!?" Dipper asked in disbelief.

"Yeah dude! I needed a new job after Gideon shut down the garage, and I figured this way I'd get to spend a little more time with you dudes!" The young mechanic explained.

Unable to find any way to transform the bus into a robot, Soos had to do his best to outmaneuver the robot by driving up the switchbacks to the top of the cliff. Unfortunately Gideon's mech was more agile than it appeared to be, and easily kept pace. They soon found themselves cornered on the edge of the cliff overlooking the railroad bridge. Dipper and Mabel fled onto the bridge while Soos tried to find advice on what to do by reading the bus manual.

Gideon ignored the bus and pursued the young twins onto the bridge. " **Tell me! Where is Journal number 1!?** " He screamed.

"Journal number 1?" Dipper and Mabel wondered simultaneously. They had never heard of such a thing.

"You took the only Journal I ever had!" Dipper insisted.

" **Don't play dumb with me!** " The psychotic nine-year-old ranted. " **Even if he didn't give it to you, you must know where he hid it!** "

"I don't know what you're talking about, man!" The boy in the blue hat said.

" **Then you're of no use to me!** " The robot bent down and picked up Mabel. She and Dipper tried desperately to hold on to one another, but it was no use. The giant mech shook him off with little trouble.

" **Still think you're some kind of hero, kid?** " Gideon mocked. " **Once I find the first Journal, I'll rule this town, with Mabel as my queen!** "

"Dipper, help!" Mabel called out to where he brother had landed on the opposite cliffside. His rough landing had left him bumped and bruised, and he was pretty sure his nose was bleeding. He watched helplessly as the robot walked away with his sister. What could he possibly do? He wasn't strong, he wasn't even that smart, Gideon had taken the Journal, his best resource against the strange and unusual in Gravity Falls, and now the creep had even taken his twin sister, the one person who was always by his side.

Mabel was always by his side, and that's why Dipper had to help her now.

The boy took a running start and leapt off the cliff.

* * *

Ford had just been thinking about how he was going to show the whole town what he'd discovered about Gideon when there was an explosion at the edge of town. After nearly jumping out of his skin and determining that the world was not in fact ending, he realized that everyone was going to see what had caused the blast. This was his chance to finally show the whole town Gideon's true nature! He hopped in his car and drove towards the center of activity. Several people were already there, and Ford was surprised to see Mabel and Dipper in the center of the wreckage, along with Gideon, who seemed to be accusing them of the whole mess.

"Arrest 'em!" The child psycho commanded the Sheriff.

"Wait!" Stanford yelled, jumping out of his car. "Gideon is a fraud, and I can prove it this time!"

"Grunkle Ford!?" The kids exclaimed.

Sheriff Blubs sighed in exasperation. "Not this again. Do we need to escort you home again Dr. Pines?"

"Absolutely not!" The old scientist said. "You all think Gideon's some perfectly honest, insightful psychic, but not only are his powers fake, he's been engaging in illegal activities! Look!" He kicked over a panel of the wrecked robot to reveal the surveillance room, which was still running despite the damage to the rest of the robot. Everyone gasped as they spotted video of themselves playing on one of the many monitors. "His so-called 'psychic knowledge' is just information he gathered from hidden cameras in his pins. So at the very least that's one count of fraud and one count of unlawful surveillance, which I believe is a felony."

The townsfolk all rounded on Gideon, looking betrayed and enraged.

"Uh, no, I… It's not what it looks like!" Gideon offered a pitiful defense.

"Durland, the tiny handcuffs." Sheriff Blubs said. Durland pulled the out and wiped a tear from his eye. As Gideon struggled with the police, an old sheet of paper and a worn, red book dropped out of his jacket. Ford swooped in and reclaimed them before anyone else could notice.

"Grunkle Ford, you did it!" Mabel tackled him joyfully, nearly knocking the old man down.

"Oh, I just tracked down a rogue broadcast signal. It looks like you two had a much more impressive showdown with Gideon."

"Yeah," Dipper laughed dryly, "But he still would've gotten us arrested in the end if it hadn't been for you!"

"What are you two even doing here?" Ford asked, "I thought you two got on the bus back to California."

"We did, but then that giant robot chased us back here!" Mabel explained. "It's like the universe wants us to be here!"

Stanford shook his head. "Well, I guess I'd better call your parents and let them know circumstances have changed. I… I'm sorry for not being there to see you off, by the way. I lost track of time trying to find a way to expose Gideon."

Dipper shrugged. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter now that we're staying."

Ford sighed in relief. "Good. Let's go home."

* * *

Thanks to Wendy getting on her dad's case about falling hook, line, and sinker for Gideon's schtick, Manly Dan finished the repairs on the house in record time. Things seemed to be going back to the chaotic mess that passed for normal in Gravity Falls. But something was still bothering Dipper. In all the craziness since Gideon had stolen the deed, he _still_ hadn't had the chance to ask Grunkle Ford about what the old man knew about the paranormal and supernatural things around Gravity Falls. Not for lack of trying though. Ford just always seemed to dodge the question. As the young twins moved back into their attic room, Dipper resolved that tonight was going to be different. He'd thought about what Mabel had said in the bus, and the two of them had decided it was about time to share at least one secret.

There was a knock at the door and Ford stuck his head in to check on them. "Are you two settling back in alright?"

"Yep!" Mabel affirmed, re-stapling her various posters to the slanted ceiling. "I'm all set to start seeing new faces in the new wood grain!"

"Hey, Grunkle Ford," Dipper started, taking his uncle's hand and guiding him to sit on the bed, "Me and Mabel have been talking, and I think there's something we should finally tell you." The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out Journal 3.

Ford's eyes widened. It couldn't be! And yet despite the tattered and torn cover, it was unmistakable. "Dipper, I… that…. Where did you…. How long have you had this?!"

"Oh, uh, I found it in the woods, not that long after I got here." Dipper explained, taken aback by his uncle's reaction.

"You mean to tell me you had it the entire time!?" The old man accused. "And you never told me!? I've been looking for this for 30 years!"

"Wait, you know what this is?" The boy asked, stunned.

" _Of course_ I know what it is, I _wrote_ the darn thing!" Ford immediately opened it up to the portal blueprint. Undamaged and unaltered, good. There were a few notes here that stirred old memories. Maybe this was the final key he needed to _finally_ modify the portal to open safely. He needed to start right away! "I have to go." He stood up abruptly from the bed.

"Wait, what!?" Dipper cried. " _Y-you're_ the Author? But then… omigosh I have so many questions!"

"I'm sorry Dipper, but this can't wait!" Ford apologized briskly, already halfway out the door.

"Grunkle Ford, wait!" The boy called after him, but Mabel caught her brother's arm and pulled him back.

"Don't worry, bro, you've still got the whole summer to ask him questions, right?" She reassured him.

"Well, yeah, I guess, but I still wanna know." Dipper groaned. "I just can't believe this whole time I was living with the Author of the Journals and I didn't even know it! He's like my hero, and it turns out to be Grunkle Ford!? I-I don't know how to feel about this. It's cool, but it's also… I dunno, it both does and doesn't make sense."

Mabel giggled. "Hey, huge nerds can be heroes sometimes. Like you! You beat a giant robot with your bare hands!"

Dipper paused for a moment. He hadn't thought of it that way. "Woah. Thanks Mabel." He said gratefully.

"Just stating the facts!" She grinned.

After such an exhausting week, the kids fell asleep quickly. But if they had stayed awake, they may have seen the lights pouring out of the floorboards or heard the machine beneath the house roaring back to life.

* * *

 _Author's Note: Once again, I'm using Google Translate for my Spanish, so forgive me if it's not a good translation. She's supposed to be saying "Always in a rush, this guy."_

 _When Ford says he knows someone who could lend him some green spray paint, he's supposed to be talking about Robbie. I had this whole subplot for an adaption of Boyz Crazy where Ford tells Robbie the best way to get over a break-up is to throw himself into his work and avoid anything that reminds him of the person he lost as a not-so-subtle hint to how Ford dealt with his falling-out with Stan. This obviously had to be dropped for time, but the end result was that Ford and Robbie have a bit more mutual respect and that's why he can bum a can of spray paint off the guy._

 _I hope I can get the next chapter out soon, as it should be shorter, since it's basically a recap of previous chapters with Dipper and Mabel's commentary. Then we've got Into the Bunker, which I'm really excited to write._


	21. Got Some Explaining to Do

_Author's Note: Oh man, I am on fire this week! I hope you all enjoy this chapter because I know a lot of people have been waiting for this moment in the story!_

 **Chapter 21: Got Some Explaining to Do**

Dipper Pines was frustrated. He'd been trying to ask Grunkle Ford questions about the old man's knowledge for days now, and had gotten nowhere. Then, just last night, they'd learned that Ford was none other than the Author of the Journals himself! And still the mysterious scientist had ducked out of the room just seconds after the reveal, once again leaving Dipper high and dry. Well he wasn't going to stand for it anymore. Today Dipper was going to get answers, even if he had to cling to his uncle's leg and refuse to let go.

But when Dipper and Mabel came downstairs for breakfast, Ford was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't in the kitchen, the library, the living room, his bedroom, or even the garage. It was like he'd disappeared.

"Where could he have gone?" Dipper wondered. "What is he doing with those Journals? Why are they so important that Gideon went through all that trouble to find them?"

Mabel shrugged. "It _is_ weird that he's just gone…" She agreed. "But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Grunkle Ford _did_ act like he had something really important to do. He's probably just getting an early start on the day, right?"

* * *

Stanford Pines had been awake all night, and showed no sign of stopping. Sure, he hadn't gotten much sleep in the past week, but pure excitement and determination fueled him onward.

The first step had been to examine the entire blueprint, now that he had all three parts together, and compare it to the changes he had made to the portal over the years. Where there were significant differences, he had to carefully analyse whether it was a necessary change to improve the portal's safety, or if the original design was required to function. Ford was glad to find that it was indeed still functional despite all the changes. However, despite all his attempts, all the models he ran, all the calculations he did _still_ predicted the portal becoming unstable!

After reading some extra notes in Journal 3, Ford began to realize the problem was not with the portal, but with Gravity Falls itself! The very weak spot between dimensions here was the reason any portal would quickly destabilize into an uncontrollable rift. But it wasn't like he could move the portal, and even if he could, it wouldn't _work_ anywhere else. He didn't have the technology to open a portal between dimensions where there _wasn't_ a weak spot. Bill had left him with no other options.

Ford slammed his fist down on the desk where he was working. All that time and effort he'd put into improving the portal, and all he'd accomplished was minimizing the damage! It didn't matter if the rift was small, it would still be enough for Bill to use.

That had been the second step, to relearn exactly what it was Bill wanted. That had been scary, going back and reading Journals 2 and 3, and seeing just how completely Bill had hoodwinked him. He began to see why Gideon had become so power-hungry, as some of his entries under Bill's influence detailed how he would finally be able to stick it to those who had mocked him before. The old scientist supposed something like that would be appealing to the nine-year-old; his pale skin and white hair made him as much of an anomaly as Ford. It wasn't until the added notes in Journal 3 that he finally found evidence of Bill's treachery, which was scary for a completely different reason. Having this fresh reminder of just how far his sanity had slipped back then sent shivers up his spine.

Finally, he found some hints in invisible ink. He had probably hoped Bill wouldn't realize how much he really knew, but admittedly, it wasn't much. Bill wanted a physical form in this world, and planned to break all the laws of physics once he got here, in some sort of world-ending "party". Why? No one seemed to know. Bill didn't seem to have a reason beyond thinking it would be funny.

So now, knowing what he knew, Stanford was faced with a choice. Really, it was the same choice he'd faced for thirty years. Did he willfully reactivate the portal, more likely than not ending the world as we know it, to save his brother who may or may not be dead by now, or did he play it safe, and leave Stan to his fate. The fate Ford had doomed him to.

It was too hard a decision to make! There was a reason he'd been procrastinating making it as long as he had, but now that he'd reclaimed all three Journals, he no longer had an excuse. He told himself he'd at least eat first. This kind of grave decision shouldn't be made on an empty stomach.

As he rode up the elevator, the weight of the world seemed to crash down on him. He should be exhausted, and yet he felt full of nervous energy. He was scared. Scared of what the future held. Scared of what choice he would make.

Which is probably why he nearly jumped out of his skin when the kids found him in the kitchen.

"Grunkle Ford!" Mabel yelled when she found him slumped over the kitchen counter. "Where have you been!? We were getting worried about you!"

Dipper ran in the other door as soon as he heard his sister yelling. Ford couldn't help but feel like the boy was trapping him in there.

"Grunkle Ford!" Dipper exclaimed. He looked determined to ask the old man something, but changed his mind when he got a good look at Ford's disheveled face. "...Are you ok?"

"... I'll live." Ford murmured

The boy regained his resolve. "What the heck is going on?" He demanded. "If you're really the Author of the Journals, then why did you always act like you didn't believe in the supernatural? And what's so important about those Journals that made Gideon want them so bad?"

Ford looked at the young twins, who had grown and done so much in the short time he'd known them. There was no use trying to hide it anymore; they already knew too much.

"I suppose I owe you both an explanation." Ford sighed.

"Oooh, story time!" Mabel cooed.

"It's not a very happy story." The scientist warned her.

"Don't care! Story!" She exclaimed.

"Alright, alright, just give me a minute to think of where to start..." Ford rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I don't suppose your Grandpa Shermy ever told you he had _two_ older brothers?"

Dipper and Mabel both shook their heads in wide-eyed surprise.

Their uncle frowned sadly. "No, I don't suppose he would have, after what happened. They never really got to know each other anyway."

"What happened to him?" Mabel asked.

"And what does that have to do with everything else?" Dipper added.

"His story is intertwined with mine, and therefore with the Journals and everything else that I've worked on here in Gravity Falls." Ford explained. "He wa- _is_ my twin brother, Stanley."

The colorful girl gasped. "Get out! You're a twin too, and you never told us?!"

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Out of all the things he's been keeping from us, _this_ is the one that gets a reaction from you?" He turned back to his uncle. "So, what happened to this Stanley guy that's so important? And why've we never heard of him?"

"Well… everyone else thinks he's dead." Ford said slowly.

"But he's not?" The boy asked.

Ford's stomach twisted. "I-I'm not sure… I don't _think_ he is, but I really can't know for sure…"

Mabel's eyes widened to saucer-size. "Omigosh, did he get turned to stone by some evil wizard? _Do you have to break the curse with true love_!?"

The old man quirked a smile despite himself. "If only that were the case. But before I tell you that story, I have to tell you _this_ story.

"Growing up in New Jersey is tough, and it wasn't made any easier being born with six fingers on each hand. To make matters worse, my father was never exactly a supportive man, and my mother, while more likely to show love and affection, wasn't always very attentive. The bullying could be unbearable at times. For most of my young childhood, Stanley was my only friend in the world.

"At a glance, we seemed to be polar opposites. I loved books and stories about the strange, unexplained phenomena of the world. Stan loved monster movies and getting into fights. But we didn't care. Together, we were the perfect team. We did everything together, and I knew I could always count on Stan to have my back, even against bullies three times his size.

"But things started to change as we got older. I'd always been good in school. Most of the teachers called me a know-it-all, actually. Once I got into middle school though, I took an IQ test, and finally got proof that I had more than just an above-average intelligence. Suddenly, all the teachers were actually more than happy to answer all my extra questions, and my crazy project ideas were finally taken seriously. It didn't stop the bullying, if anything, it got worse, but Stan continued to stand up for me. Even though I'm fairly sure this is when the issues in our relationship started.

"You see, unlike me, Stan had always had a bit of trouble with school, and I believe he became… not _jealous_ , exactly… resentful… isn't quite the right word either. He was proud of me, he always said so, but… it was like he was succeeding vicariously through me, because he thought he couldn't succeed on his own. We still got along well enough all the way through high school, until the science fair of our senior year. That's when everything fell apart."

"What?" Dipper asked. "You guys had a fight?"

Ford grimaced. "It was far more than just a fight. You see, for my science fair project that year, I'd built a perpetual motion machine."

The boy gasped. "No way!"

The old man smirked. "Yes way."

"Not like, a model or a theoretical concept, you actually built a _working_ perpetual motion machine!?"

Ford nodded.

" _How_ do you not have a Nobel Prize!?"

The scientist's face darkened. "That would be because of our falling out.

"When word got out that some kid from New Jersey built an actual perpetual motion machine, some representatives from West Coast Tech, the _top school_ in the nation at the time for theoretical physics, came to see if I was the real deal. But there was a problem. When they got there, the machine had _stopped._ It was broken."

The kids gasped. "How'd it get broken?" Mabel asked.

Ford clenched his fists, and his whole frame stiffened. " _Stanley._ "

"No way." Dipper breathed.

"But why would he do that!?" Mabel asked, sad and confused. "You two are twins, you were friends! Why would he do something terrible to you like that? It doesn't make sense!"

The old man sighed. "He was a dumb teenager. We both were. And if there's one thing I've learned from thirty years of teaching high school, it's that teens don't think rationally. They do incredibly stupid things without thinking them through. I'm not sure if even Stan knew exactly what he was thinking at the time. As near as I can tell, he'd gotten it into his head that we were going to sail away together on the Stan'O'War once we finished high school."

"The what?" Mabel asked.

"It was an old sailboat we'd found in a cave when we were kids." Ford explained, a tint of fondness creeping back into his previously bitter voice. "We'd been working on restoring it for years. It had given us something to do when the rest of the world was being particularly cruel. It was a glimmer of hope, an escape. I'd thought we'd take her up and down the coast for a couple of days after we graduated, but Stan wanted to do it _full time_.

"He'd never really figured out what he wanted to do with himself after high school, and thanks to what some of our teachers were saying, he didn't think he could make it on his own. And now I was heading to college on the other end of the country. I guess in his mind at the time, he thought sabotaging my project would keep me from going. Which it did, but it also had severe consequences for Stanley. Ones that he obviously hadn't thought through."

"But how can you be sure it was him?" Mabel asked, still unwilling to believe that anyone would do that to their own brother.

"He confessed to me as soon as I got home. He'd left a wrapper from his favorite snack there as evidence, so I confronted him. He claimed it was an accident. Even years later he _still_ claimed it was an accident, but it was too convenient. I find it far more likely that's just what he's convinced _himself_ of."

"What'd you mean by 'severe consequences'?" Dipper asked.

"Well for one, I was _furious_ with him." Ford said. "I could barely even look at him for the rest of that night. But that's _nothing_ compared to how angry our father was. Dad kicked Stan out with nothing more than a hastily-packed duffel bag and orders not to come back until he earned back the scholarship money he'd lost me. Which, considering it was almost a million dollars, was basically Dad's way of saying 'Leave and never come back.' And I, stupid, angry teenager that I was, didn't even say goodbye."

"Oh!" Mabel cried, "This story is so sad!"

"Well, I did warn you." Ford reminded her.

"Yeah, it's sad and all," Dipper agreed, "But I still don't understand what all this has to do with Gravity Falls or the Journals."

"I'm getting to it." The scientist assured them. "Let's see, where was I… oh yes, I'd lost my chance at West Coast Tech. My family was poor and I hadn't thought to apply for any other scholarships, so I ended up going to Backupsmore University. It wasn't ideal, I had to work twice as hard, but I was no stranger to hard work. I pulled out all the stops to earn my PhD in only six years. I spent every possible moment in the physics lab. In fact, that's where I first met McGucket all those years ago."

"Whoa," Dipper commented, "You and McGucket went to the same college?"

"Yes, this was long before… well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Back then he was a brilliant electrical engineer; he was involved in some pioneering work on computer systems." A shadow a guilt crossed his face as he spoke.

"Anyway, my thesis was a hard-sell, but my defense was so thorough that it became nationally ranked, and I received a generous grant from Backupsmore University since I'd earned them a bit of prestige. I wanted to study anomalies: things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable, like the six fingers that had always gotten me teased. There was one place that had a higher concentration of anomalies than anywhere else: Gravity Falls, Oregon. And I wasn't disappointed. Within just a few hours of arriving an Ent wrecked my car. I began to record my investigations in a Journal."

" _Eeee_! The Journals!" Dipper cried in excitement. His family members shot him an odd look. "Uh, sorry, just… got really excited there. About the Journals. Ke-keep going."

"... I recorded my investigations in a Journal-"

" _Eeeee_!"

"Dipper do you need me to get you a glass of water or something to help you calm down?" Ford asked in concern.

"No, no, I'm good! Just ignore me!"

"Anyway, there were anomalies _everywhere_! I'd filled three volumes in no time, but the solution to the real question eluded me: where did all these anomalies come from? Why were there more here than anywhere else? It seemed to me the answer must come from outside our own world, a dimension of weirdness, leaking into ours. I realized the only way to understand what made Gravity Falls special was to built a gateway between the two worlds."

"So when you say 'gateway', d'you mean…" Mabel began, unsure of what to ask.

"I built an interdimensional portal between our worlds." Ford explained, but he didn't sound proud of his incredible accomplishment. He sounded utterly ashamed. "I couldn't do it on my own, of course, so I convinced McGucket to leave his work in computers to come help me. Looking back, he really would have been better off staying where he was… for a number of reasons…"

"Yeah, if he'd stuck with the computer stuff he might be rich now!" Dipper nodded.

Stanford hung his head in shame. "It's not just that…. There was an accident, the night we first tested the portal. We were just supposed to be testing with a dummy at first, but Fiddleford's foot got caught in the rope. He was pulled partway into the portal, and when I managed to pull him back… well, he was never quite the same after that. Afterwards he insisted that I had to destroy the portal, but I wasn't willing to listen to him. Not after I'd spent so many years putting it together. When I wouldn't dismantle the portal, McGucket quit."

"Y'mean that's why he's all…" Mabel made a face, pointing her eyes in different directions, " _You'll bring doom on us all!_ "

Ford nodded sadly. "It's what started him on that path." He ran his fingers through his hair, almost as though he was trying to pull out the guilt. "It's all my fault.

"It turned out he was right about the portal, but by the time I realized _that_ , I was in way over my head, and it was already too late to turn to Fiddleford for help. There was only one other person I felt I could trust. My brother.

"I needed to hide away my Journals, so that no one could learn how to operate or rebuild the portal. I'd already hidden two of them myself, and Stan seemed like the perfect candidate to take the last one. I knew he'd been traveling a lot since he'd been kicked out, so I thought it'd be easy for him to hide it far away from Gravity Falls. But when he actually arrived, things didn't go as I'd planned.

"Stanley was… less than willing to do as I'd requested. I suppose part of it was because we hadn't seen each other in almost thirteen years, and things weren't helped by the fact that I was under a lot of stress at the time and had gone almost a week without sleep. I certainly wasn't acting like myself, and I know it freaked him out a bit. In any case, when I asked Stan to take the last Journal with him, he got upset and threatened to burn it. As much as I didn't want people to know about the portal, I couldn't let him burn the Journal! There was still vital information in there to help keep Gravity Falls safe!

"So… we fought. And I mean we really, physically fought, not just verbally argued, not just a few shoves and punches, I mean we were literally rolling all over the lab, throwing each other into consoles and trying to pry the Journal away from the other. Well, that quickly got out of hand when I accidently kicked Stanley into the console that contained the power system. It was red-hot and burned straight through his clothes, leaving a mark on his shoulder. I was ready to stop after that, but Stan had always had quite the temper, and I'd just made it much worse. He tackled me back towards the portal, and I fell over the event horizon. I was floating towards the portal, out of control.

"I called to Stanley to help me, and he jumped up to catch me. That didn't do any good at first, as we were now _both_ heading for the portal, but he threw me back to safety… and pushed himself right into the portal in the process. Just like that he was gone, and it was all my fault."

The kids looked up at their uncle, slack-jawed. They really had no idea how to respond to this. Grunkle Ford seemed to be really guilt-ridden by this whole portal thing, but could it really be said that it was all his fault? It was weird to think this mild-mannered, grumpy science teacher was responsible for so much sorrow.

"I had no choice but to reactivate the portal and bring him back, but it was out of fuel." Ford continued on with the story, his voice heavy with regret. "And believe it or not, that's when things got even worse. While I was collecting more fuel, I ran into the Society of the Blind Eye."

"What's that?" Mabel asked.

"I think I saw something about them in your Journal." Dipper said, "But most of it was in a code I couldn't read. They're some sort of secret society in creepy robes, right?"

Ford nodded. "They're more than just some secret society. They have a device that can erase memories, and they're dedicated to removing all knowledge of the strange and bizarre things in Gravity Falls. I'd been on the run from them for weeks, and they caught me at the worst possible moment." The old man wasn't quite ready to tell the kids that the Blind Eye had been founded by his best friend in an attempt to forget what was on the other side of the portal. Or that the reason the Blind Eye held a grudge against him personally was because they were trying to stop the portal from being activated. "In one night I lost all the knowledge I needed to bring my brother back. _That's_ why I always acted like I didn't believe in the supernatural, and why I didn't want you kids getting mixed up in all this. The Blind Eye will erase the memories of _anyone_ who they think might have knowledge of the unknown, even children like you! That's why it's imperative you don't go around talking about this stuff to just anyone."

"Wow." Dipper breathed. "So you needed the Journals to save your brother."

"And now that you have all three, you can bring him back!" Mabel exclaimed, glad to have finally found a bright side to this depressing tale.

The old man sighed. "It's not that simple, Mabel. Activating the portal is insanely risky! I'd be putting the rest of the town, the rest of the _world_ in danger to save someone I'm not even certain is still alive!"

"But… but you've already done all this work to save him!" Dipper stammered. "Even if it's risky, you've got to try! If it were Mabel, I'd do it for her!"

"Yeah, you too bro!" Mabel agreed.

A reluctant smile spread across their Grunkle's face. It didn't seem like such a difficult decision to make after talking to these two. "Sometime I think you kids are smarter than I'll ever be." He filled up a glass of water and took a long drink. "Well, I'd better get back to work then."

"Can we come see!?" Dipper asked excitedly.

"Absolutely not!" The old scientist said sharply. "I just told you how dangerous this portal is!"

"Oh…" the boy grumbled in disappointment. "Well, can I ask one more question before you go?"

"Alright, ask away my boy."

"What's Bill got to do with all this?"

The color drained away from Ford's face. "If we're lucky, I'll never have to tell you that story."

* * *

 _Author's note: A shorty but a goody, I hope. I've been excited to write this moment when Ford has to explain everything to the kids because he went and spilled the beans for a long time, since I first started coming up with the general plot, really. Even though this is largely just a recap, I hope it was interesting to see things from Ford's perspective (something that I think a lot of people needed to do before the finale, but oh well) and with the kids' commentary. But we've still got some secrets to unravel and some adventures to go on! This is far from over!_

 _Also, if anyone recognized "But before I tell you that story, I need to tell you this story." from Captain Underpants, congratulations, you had awesome taste in books as a kid like me!_


	22. Danger in the Bunker

_Author's Note: It's getting down to the wire here, June 15th is coming fast. This is the chapter I wanted to get out before I left, and I've reached it with a few weeks to spare! I really think God has been hurrying me along with these last few chapters, because I've gotten them done faster than I ever would have hoped. I hope you all enjoy it!_

 **Chapter 22: Danger in the Bunker**

Another rough night in the portal lab. The portal itself was running smoothly. All that was left to do was scan the multiverse for a signal that matched their own universe. Without any hints as to where Stanley could be to narrow the search, that process could take a very long time. Which gave Stanford plenty of time to think about what he was going to do when the portal inevitably destabilized.

Just because he was desperate enough to endanger the universe to save his brother didn't mean he was just going to sit back and let the apocalypse happen. Ford knew he couldn't open a gate between dimensions in Gravity Falls without creating a rift, but the improvements he'd made to the portal weren't completely in vain. The simulations he'd run predicted that he drastically decreased the size of the rift. Perhaps it was possible to contain it somehow?

It was a long-shot, to be sure. The technology to contain a tear in the fabric of space and time didn't exist on Earth, but Ford had noticed a long time ago that a lot of the materials making up the portal were not of this world. He still couldn't remember if these were things that Bill had taught him to build, or if they had come from somewhere else, but he _could_ remember a place he might have stored extra parts.

The only problem was the bunker had been compromised over thirty years ago. He could only hope things had changed in the last three decades.

* * *

If there was one thing better than waking up to find their Grunkle actually in the kitchen making breakfast instead of working on the portal again, Mabel had decided it was seeing her brother go full nerd-mode on him. Dipper was absolutely ecstatic for another chance to ask Ford questions. Ever since pouring out his life story, Ford had spent the past two days barely emerging from the portal lab, leaving little chance for further questions.

"Grunkle Ford!" Dipper exclaimed, running up to his uncle. "I have a question for you about the Gremloblin-"

"Is this an urgent question, Dipper?" Ford asked as he gulped down his omelet. "I've got something important to track down, to do with the _you know what_."

"Oh!" Dipper said, quickly changing gears. "It can wait. Do you need any help? I've wanted to go exploring with you!"

Ford shook his head seriously. "I'm sorry Dipper, but the dark, weird road I travel, I'm afraid you can't follow." He reached under the table and pulled out Journal 3. "But here, I know you've been wanting this back."

"Th-thanks!" Dipper stammered.

The old man waved it off. "I won't be needing it today anyhow." He stood and grabbed his tan longcoat, slipping it on as he walked toward the library. "If I'm not back in time to make dinner, come looking for me."

Dipper scuffed the floor glumly as he watched his uncle leave. Mabel put a comforting arm around his shoulder.

"Aw, don't take it so hard bro." she reassured him.

The boy sighed and flipped open the Journal to where the ribbon marked a place. "I guess I can study this some more. Maybe some things around here will start to make more sense now that I know Grunkle Ford is really the Author."

* * *

Mabel paced around the library, casting a hopeful glance out the screen door every few minutes. It was getting to be late afternoon, and still no sign of Ford returning. She was beginning to worry about her uncle. He'd been super-stressed ever since Bill invaded his mind, and while he was certainly happier and more hopeful since recovering all three Journals, working day-in and day-out on that portal didn't really seem like an improvement to her. And now he'd just disappeared, giving them no clue as to where he'd gone.

"Hey Mabel, are you ok?" Dipper poked his head into the room to check on her. "You're being weirdly quiet."

"Blarg!" She burst out. "I'm just so worried about Grunkle Ford! He's out there doing who-knows-what, and he hasn't slept in who-knows-how-long! Plus, he said if he wasn't back by dinner to come looking for him! It's getting late!"

"Mable, Ford says stuff like that all the time, remember? He just likes being over-dramatic. Kinda like you." Dipper said. "Besides, it's barely past 4:30. This is the Author we're talking about! I'm sure he's fine."

"He may be the Author, but he's still Grunkle Ford!" Mabel said insistently. "He's been gone for hours Dipper! We've _gotta_ go looking for him!"

Dipper scratched his chin thoughtfully. He _had_ really wanted to see what Ford was up to, and going looking for him would provide an excuse to do just that. "But we don't have any idea where he… wait…"

The boy remembered something he'd seen in the Journal earlier. He pulled it out and opened up to where it had been bookmarked when Ford gave it to him. Sure enough, it was on a page marked "Hiding Places". It depicted a diagram of the fake tree that had led Dipper to find the Journal in the first place. Whether it was consciously or not, Ford had left them a clue as to where he was going.

"I _do_ have an idea of where he went! I'm gonna throw together a search party, you get your grappling hook and whatever other adventuring supplies you can think of, and meet me outside in ten minutes."

* * *

Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Wendy all stood around the metal tree, looking for clues as to where Stanford had gone. He didn't appear to be anywhere in sight, and while there were a few signs of someone else coming to this spot, there was no other trail leading away. Dipper was beginning to wonder if his so-called clue had just been a coincidence.

Mabel poked him knowingly, bringing him out of his thoughts.

"Oh-ho, bringing Wendy along on the trip? Sounds like there's romance afoot!" She ribbed him.

Dipper scoffed, although he couldn't help but blush. "No! I just-I think she'd be-she'll be useful on the mission! Wendy's good at this adventure-type stuff!"

"Hey dudes! Check out this weird branch!" Wendy called to them, pointing out a long, lever-like branch about half-way up the trunk of the fake tree.

"See!" Dipper said triumphantly, although he was still bright pink, "Wendy's a valuable member of the team!"

"But that doesn't mean you don't have a huge crush on her!" Mabel whispered under her breath as her brother walked away.

Wendy scurried up the tree with ease, hitting the lever with her axe. The ground shuddered and a mysterious staircase appeared. Everyone gasped in wonder, except Wendy, who fell out of the tree with a yelp.

"Ok guys! This is it!" Dipper said, trying to sound serious, but unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. "Remember, Grunkle Ford hid all this stuff for a reason, so whatever we see, find, or do down there, it stays between us!"

Mabel gave him a thumbs up. Soos adjusted his hat seriously. Wendy zipped her mouth shut and threw away the key.

* * *

Ford had to stop to catch his breath. In hindsight, it was a pretty terrible idea to re-enter the bunker while he was running on less than eight hours of sleep for the past three days, but he'd foolishly deluded himself into thinking that the bunker _must_ be safe again. There was no way it could have survived on its own down here for 30 years. He should have turned around the second he saw evidence that it had gotten into his food storage, but once again he deluded himself, thinking surely it had moved on. Perhaps it had finally mellowed out and joined a nice mole-people colony.

If only he hadn't been so dead-set on securing the materials needed for that containment unit! Then he wouldn't be in this mess!

His train of thought stopped abruptly at the sound of footsteps. It was making no attempts to hide its approach. Ford hated that a creature so skilled at stealth would rather play mind-games with him. That in and of itself was a mind-game.

Whether he had regained his breath or not, Ford had to get out of there _now_. He sprinted out of his hiding place, leaving her pursuer behind. It looked like Fiddleford McGucket. Not the old man McGucket, but the young man who had first moved to Gravity Falls over 30 years ago to help his old college buddy with a personal project.

The shapeshifter had quickly determined this was the form that threw Ford off the most.

All his sprinting did him no good. The tunnel came to a dead end. Ford had no choice but to turn and face his old friend.

"You left me here to rot for 30 years!" The monster hissed at him. Its deep voice sounded particularly strange coming out of that body. "You tried to put me on ice!"

The shapeshifter had been his friend once, hadn't it? The intelligent little creature that had hatched from the egg, it had been like having a little brother all over again. Perhaps he could reason with it.

"I'm sorry!" Ford said desperately. "That was never what I intended to happen!"

"Oh yes..." The monster's voice changed to more closely resemble McGucket's. "Just like you never intended what happened to _me_."

"I-I didn't know!" The old scientist choked out. "Bill lied to me!"

"Did _Bill_ trick you into trapping me down here!?" The shapeshifter spat, returning to its own form.

"I didn't have any choice!" Ford insisted. "You were hurting people! You're _dangerous_!"

The shapeshifter changed again, this time taking on the form of a young Stanford "Yes, you're dangerous." It agreed, mimicking his voice perfectly.

"I know what you're trying. It won't work!"

"That's enough of your games. You know they won't work on me."

"Stop this, please!" He pulled out a stun-gun. "I'm warning you!"

"Please, stop this. You don't want me to send you to your _room_ , do you?"

"You brought this on yourself!" But he was tired and sluggish. The other him grabbed his arm and took the weapon for himself.

"You brought this on yourself!" He said coldly, and pulled the trigger.

* * *

The search party had made it down to the Bunker's living quarters, but there was still no sign of Ford other than a recently opened can of beans and an empty Smez dispenser. Soos was quick to point out the Smez dispenser could have been down there for a long time too, since he'd found a whole box of the things in a weapons cabinet.

Wendy had found a secret passage behind a map, which was their explanation for where Ford had gone. It led them to a crazy-intense security room where Dipper'd had to find the right symbols before they were all squished. Luckily it seemed Ford had gone back and added some annotations to the Journal since Dipper had last seen it, including how to get past this room.

Now they found themselves in some sort of surveillance room, with a large window overlooking some sort of underground cavern where a couple of large glass tubes stood. One of them was open, and the other was shattered. The glass lying on the floor around it looked like it had been broken from the _inside_.

Mabel found some buttons that controlled the tubes. "Check it out! Frozen! Unfrozen! Frozen, unfrozen!"

"Huh, that's weird." Dipper said, looking over the controls. "There are controls here for three tubes, but there are only two out there.

"Yep, this is definitely Dr. Pines's place." Soos nodded as he looked around the room. "It's full of sciency goodness!"

"But where is he?" Dipper wondered. He looked out the window and noticed some tunnels leading out of the chamber. "It looks like there's a few different ways he could have gone. I don't like to do this, but… we should split up. Mabel, Soos, you guys can take that tunnel over there…"

"Leaving _you and Wendy_ to take the tunnel over here!" Mabel finished, waggling her eyebrows at her brother.

"...Yes." Dipper said through clenched teeth, trying to ignore his sister's teasing.

Separating the surveillance room from the tunnels was a strange metal door.

"Dude, check out this old-school decontamination room!" Wendy said, opening the first door and stepping inside. " _I am robo-alien. What are human emotions_?"

"Whoa, decontamination room!?" Soos said apprehensively. "Shouldn't we be wearing, I dunno, hazmat suits or something?"

"Pch, c'mon man, this thing is 30 plus years old, I doubt its seal works anymore." Wendy scoffed. "If there were any dangerous chemicals or germs in there we'd be dead already." She shut the door and pulled the chain. There was a whooshing sound, and a blaring alarm. Wendy cried out.

"Wendy!" Dipper called worriedly through the door, "Are you OK?"

"Yeah." She groaned. "I was just wrong about this thing not working anymore, and now I'm soaked."

The rest of them entered one by one, this time being careful to grab the extra lab coats hanging on the wall to protect themselves from the sanitization fluid. Soos held onto his because he felt it made him look cooler and smarter.

As they walked down their tunnel, Wendy ran her hand along the wall. It didn't look man-made, and it was too smooth to be natural. "I don't think Ford dug these." She commented.

Dipper gulped. "Let's hope we don't run into whatever did."

They had been traveling just long enough to be outside of shouting distance from Mabel and Soos when they heard a deep growling. The two of them ran down a side path as quietly as possible, hoping whatever it was would pass them by, but the growling grew louder, closer. They came around a bend to find a dead-end.

"What do we do?" Wendy asked with an uncharacteristic edge of panic in her voice.

"I dunno!" Dipper cried.

They could see the silhouette of the monster on the tunnel wall now. It would be on top of them any second now. But before it could come around the bend, another silhouette, one of a man, tackled it to the ground.

"Back, back you heinous beast!" The man yelled, repeatedly punching the creature into submission and finally forcing its mouth open. The fight kicked up dust obscuring the silhouettes, until the sound of struggling stopped and the man strode into view dramatically.

"Welp, I just ripped out a monster's tongue." He said proudly.

"Grunkle Ford!" Dipper cried, rushing forward to hug his uncle.

"Dr. Pines!?" Wendy exclaimed, clearly impressed with her teacher's fighting prowess. "Wow, no one at school is _ever_ gonna believe this."

"Children? How did you get down here?" Ford asked in surprise.

"Well Mabel was getting worried when you didn't come back," Dipper began to explain, "So we called Soos and-"

"Dude! Soos and Mabel!" Wendy exclaimed suddenly, "If there are more monsters down here, we've gotta find them and warn them!"

"Then there isn't a moment to lose!" Ford said. "Which way did they go, my boy?"

"They took the tunnel opposite from us back at the main chamber." Dipper said.

"Alright, follow me. I know a shortcut." Ford said.

"So Dr. Pines, what were you even doing down here?" Wendy asked as they made their way down the tunnels.

"I was looking for something I'd left here, thirty years ago, when one of my old experiments got loose. A dangerous Shapeshifter, able to transform into anyone or anything."

"A Shapeshifter, huh? I think I read about something like that in one of your Journals…" Dipper flipped through Journal 3. "Ah, nope, it was in a different volume."

"You brought one of the Journals with you?" Ford looked at the boy in shock.

"Y-yeah, that's how we got down here." Dipper stammered, worried that his uncle's shock meant he had done something wrong. "I found the page you marked about hiding places, and the notes you left about getting past the security."

"Yeah, didn't you leave those for us to find, just in case?" Wendy reasoned.

Ford's expression relaxed. "Of course I did dear, I just thought you would have left it in the lab, where it'd be safe."

Dipper facepalmed. "Uhg, I should have thought of that, sorry Grunkle Ford."

"Did you just call me _dear_?" Wendy asked at the same time.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to keep an eye on the Journal." Ford said, reaching out a hand and taking it from Dipper.

"Oh, ok." The boy mumbled, a little disappointed.

They continued on their way, but Wendy lagged behind, just out of Ford's earshot, and grabbed Dipper by the arm.

"Dipper, something's off!" She hissed quietly. "Ford like, _never_ calls me 'dear'. That's what he calls the sweet, nice girls in class."

"Yeah, sorry, he's kinda been sleep deprived for the past week." Dipper said sheepishly.

"That's not all! Have you noticed he hasn't used either of our names _at all_ since we found him down here?"

Dipper looked at the man walking ahead of them, and instead of the usual feeling of comfort he got around his uncle, he only felt the fear of being alone with a stranger.

"Uuuuh, Grunkle Ford, I was thinking." Dipper said, trying to keep the nervous waver out of his voice. "M-maybe we should split up! You obviously know your way around down here, so why don't you give the Journal to Wendy and me, and, uh, we'll go looking for Mabel and Soos down this other way."

The man who was most definitely not Ford froze for a second. Then he turned his head completely around, his eyes blinking vertically and his features stretching.

"You're not going anywhere!" It rumbled in a different, monstrous voice.

Dipper and Wendy screamed as the Shapeshifter changed into it's true form, a hideous creature that looked like a maggot crossed with a praying mantis and a body-builder. One of its arms ended in a slender pincer, while the other was bulgy at the top and almost like a deflated balloon at the end. It crawled onto the ceiling and looked down on them with bulging pink eyes.

"You! W-what did you do with the real Ford!?" Dipper asked.

"You'll likely never find him." The Shapeshifter said cruelly. "But I must thank you for bringing me one of his Journals. So many wonder forms to take!" It proceeded to flip through the book, transforming into a different creature with each page it turned.

"We've gotta get the Journal back!" Dipper whispered to Wendy while it was distracted.

Wendy nodded and picked up a piece of scrap lying on the ground. "Hey body-snatcher! Snatch this!"

The Shapeshifter was caught off-guard, and the metal plate smacked it in the head, causing it to lose its grip on the Journal. Dipper ran underneath and caught it. The two kids booked it out of there as fast as they could. Luckily they came upon a fork in the tunnel. Dipper threw his flashlight down one path, and they hid in the shadows of the other. It worked like a charm. The monster followed the light.

Dipper and Wendy continued down the path, now without a flashlight. And yet, they could see a dull glow further down the tunnel. They crept forward cautiously, and the tunnel opened up into another small chamber. The source of the glow was another tube, like the ones in the main chamber back by the lab. Curled up at the bottom of the tube was Grunkle Ford!

"Dr. Pines!" Wendy called to him. "Stand back man, and cover your face!"

The old scientist backed up against the opposite wall of the tube, took his coat off, and draped it over his head to better protect his exposed skin. Wendy wound up her axe and struck the tube with the blunt end, using it like a club to break the glass. It shattered, opening up a hole big enough for Ford to climb through. But instead he stayed exactly where he was, eyeing his two rescuers cautiously. He carefully picked up a large shard of glass to use as a weapon.

"How do I know neither of you are the Shapeshifter?" He asked. "How do I know this isn't another one of your mind games!?"

"Grunkle Ford, it's us!" Dipper tried to assure him, but Wendy put a hand on his shoulder.

"One time during lab I freaked you out by pretending to drink hydrochloric acid." Wendy said, then nudged Dipper to do similar.

"You gave me this hat because a goat ate the old one." the boy said.

Ford's stance immediately relaxed with relief. He laid his coat down over the broken glass and carefully climbed out. "Dipper, Wendy! It's you! Oh, I'm so glad it's you…" He hugged them both tightly.

"We found the hints you left in the Journal about this place." Dipper said, hugging back. "Why didn't you just tell us?"

"You would have just followed me straight down here." Ford replied. "If I hid it, you wouldn't find it unless you had to look."

"Guys, c'mon, we still need to find Soos and Mabel and get the heck out of here." Wendy reminded them.

"That's not all." Ford said gravely. "We need to contain that Shapeshifter. If it gets to the surface…"

"We could never trust anyone or anything ever again!" Dipper finished with a gulp.

* * *

Mabel and Soos hadn't had much luck looking for Ford. All they'd come across was an old discarded clipboard with some writing about an unstable experiment called "The Shapeshifter" and a sciency briefcase that Soos had picked up to add to his lab coat aesthetic. Their luck changed, however, when they heard footsteps echoing down the tunnel. The two friends hurried forward and found Dipper and Wendy sneaking down the path, with a battered-looking Ford in tow.

"Guys! You found Grunkle Ford!" Mabel called to them happily.

Dipper looked pretty happy to see her at first, but then his expression changed to one of caution. "Wait, how do we know they're not the Shapeshifter?"

"Woah. Maybe I am!" Soos said thoughtfully. "Mabel, inspect my shape!"

"Poke." Mabel poked Soos in the belly.

"Hahahah, do it again!"

"Poke!"

"Hahah, even better the second time!"

"It's them." Wendy said confidently.

"For future reference, Dipper, the Shapeshifter can be anything, but it can't split itself into multiple bodies." Ford said, "They'd have to be connected somehow if they were both the Shapeshifter."

"Wait, so there really is a Shapeshifter?" Mabel asked. "And it's on the loose? What do we do?"

"We'd have to lure him back to the cryotubes back by the lab." Ford said. "It's the only thing that can contain it long term. Anything else it can slip through or break down. It got out of a cage of solid steel once!

"The tricky part will be luring it back there. It _knows_ that's the only chance we have of containing it, so it won't be in any hurry to follow us in that direction."

Wendy looked around and noticed a water main that she'd noticed running through a lot of the tunnels down here. "I think I have an idea." She said slyly.

* * *

Ford had been adamant that he was the only one who was allowed to be bait. For one, he reasoned, the Shapeshifter held a grudge against Ford, not any of the others, so it would be more likely to ignore any signs of a trap in favor of another chance of revenge. And for second, there was absolutely no way he would let the others endanger themselves like that. Dipper pointed out that it was just as dangerous for Ford, if not more so, but the old teacher reminded them who was responsible for them all, even Soos, who was technically an adult.

And so Ford found himself standing in a chamber that acted as a sort of hub for most of the main tunnels, hoping to find some sign of the Shapeshifter. He didn't have to wait long.

"My boy, I must speak with you!" He heard his own voice echo down one of the tunnels, although it was dripping with an unfamiliar, malicious threat.

"Leave him alone!" Ford yelled back at it. "Your quarrel is with me, those kids have nothing to do with this!"

The Shapeshifter rushed into the chamber, now in the form of a giant subterranean manupiitaur. Its single eye narrowed in disgust.

"So they let _you_ out." It growled. "Worried about those kids, eh? You know, that boy was awfully eager to please you." It changed into Dipper.

"Grunkle Ford, I read your Journal! I saw the notes you left me!" Its imitation of Dipper wasn't very good, but the action still set Ford's teeth on edge.

"Stop it."

"Oh, and the girl! She's a sharp one!" The Shapeshifter said, warping into Wendy. "I'm not gonna fall for your dumb tricks!"

"I said _stop_ it!"

"Well if I can't be either of them, I'll have to be _both!_ " With a ripple, the Shapeshifter changed into a terrifying amalgam of Wendy and Dipper, with dead white eyes and a huge, toothy mouth. It gave chase.

Bingo.

Ford ran back towards the main water valve, where the kids and Soos were waiting to let loose a torrent of water that would wash the Shapeshifter right back to the cryotubes.

"Start turning! Now!" Ford yelled.

The four of them began tugging on the valve, but it had remained untouched for the past thirty years, and even with them all working together, it only moved a few inches, letting out a small stream of water instead of the blast they'd been hoping for.

The Shapeshifter came scuttling around the corner, fury in its many eyes. It shot out a long, sticky tongue like a frog, and wrapped the gross appendage around Ford's leg.

"Hey!" Wendy lunged forward with her axe, "Let go!" She swung the blade down hard on the monster's tongue. It let go with a scream, but shot forward another tentacle, wrapping around her waist.

Unluckily, this just so happened to be the time that Soos got some more purchase on the valve, finally turning it wide open. Tens of gallons of water gushed out in seconds, flooding the chamber and washing the Shapeshifter, Wendy, and Ford away.

As soon as the water drained away, Dipper raced down the passage, calling Ford and Wendy's names, his voice echoing off the walls. Not far from the cryotubes, he found Wendy, lying prone on the floor.

"Oh no!" Dipper cried, "No no no no! Wendy! Can you hear me? Oh, please be ok, please be ok…"

"Dipper, step away!" The boy turned around to find what appeared to be Ford, getting up from where he'd washed against the wall of the chamber. "Don't touch her, we don't know if that's really Wendy!"

"H-how do I know you're really Ford?"

"We have a standing tradition of playing DDMD once a week, but… but we missed this week because-" Ford began, but he stopped in surprise when Wendy shot up and attacked him. It was the Shapeshifter!

"I'll put _you_ on ice, you single-formed, decrepit, weakling!" She hissed, trying to push him back into the awaiting cryotube. "But first maybe I'll kill your little one and make you watch!"

"No!" Ford screamed, and with renewed strength he punched the fake Wendy straight in the jaw, followed by a knee to the gut. The Shapeshifter was thrown back against the wall. It staggered back up and glared daggers at him, about to change when it was struck in the gut with an axe.

"That's what you get for messing with my favorite teacher!" Wendy said shakily, looking down on her handiwork. "Heh, Dr. Pines, that was awesome. It more than makes up for it not being you that tore out a monster's tongue."

"I'm your favorite?" Ford asked with a small, surprised smile.

"Well, yeah, it's not like you've got a lot of comp-"

The Shapeshifter recovered from its wound far faster than any of them had expected, and it launched itself at Wendy. The two of them struggled, dropping the axe in the process. Dipper rushed forward and grabbed it, but he wasn't sure what to do next.

"Hit her with the axe!" Wendy cried.

"Don't listen to her Dipper!" Wendy yelled.

"She's the Shapeshifter!" Wendy protested.

"Uh… uh… I don't know who's who!" Dipper stammered desperately. He turned to Ford for help.

"Wendy, you need to tell us something to prove it's you!" Ford instructed.

"I'm kinda in the middle of a fight right now!" She said exasperatedly.

"I haven't got time for an interrogation, old man!" She groaned.

Both of the fighting girls looked Dipper in the eye. One of them smiled and winked. The other zipped her lip and threw away the key. The boy nodded to show he understood and swung the axe, burying the blade deep into the Shapeshifter's side. With an unearthly shriek, it changed back into its true form.

"Now!" Ford yelled, and they pushed the creature back into the cryotube. Back inside the lab, Mabel and Soos were ready and waiting at the controls.

"Frozen!" Mabel said with a triumphant grin as she pushed the button.

The Shapeshifter banged against the glass, shifting from form to form, trying everything it could to break free, but it was too late. The quickly dropping temperatures were sapping its strength and slowing its transformations.

"You all think you're so clever, but even you can't stop what's coming!" The Shapeshifter said acidly, and it fixed its eyes on Ford. "You can't contain it! Nothing can! If you continue down this path you'll bring about the end of the universe! And this will be the last form you ever take!"

With the last of its strength, it transformed into Ford, standing with his hands held up, his fingers curled, and his mouth opened in a silent scream.

They all stood there in silence for a moment before they noticed Soos and Mabel had joined them.

"Heh, good luck sleepin' tonight!" Soos chuckled.

* * *

They all climbed the stairs and made their way back home. Ford had a bag of strange parts and the glass from the broken cryotubes slung over his shoulder.

"I'm sorry you all got involved in that." He said sheepishly. "That being said, I'm really impressed with how you all handled yourselves down there! Dipper and Wendy especially, the way you handled the situation with the Shapeshifter was brilliant!"

"Wow, thanks Grunkle Ford!" Dipper said, grinning and blushing.

"Just don't ever mention me fighting myself at school." Wendy said. "I don't want people making it into some sort of weird joke."

"I won't if you don't tell anyone at school I've got a secret bunker in the woods." Ford replied with a teasing smirk.

"Ah come on man, why've you gotta take the fun out of this?" Wendy smirked back.

"And Mabel," Ford continued, "from what I've heard, they might not have gotten to me in time if it weren't for you worrying about me."

"Just looking out for my family!" Mabel said with a bright smile.

By the time they got home, the sun was setting. As everyone else went inside, Mabel and Soos paused on the porch.

"Aw nuts!" The girl suddenly exclaimed.

"What's up Hambone?" Soos asked.

"I didn't get a chance to make Dipper confront his feelings about Wendy!"

"Eh, it's probably for the best. I think Wendy's had enough awkwardness for the day."

* * *

 _Author's Note: I've been planning this chapter for AGES! I'm so glad I finally got to write it all out!_

 _Wendy's comments about the other girls in class are her opinions, not Ford's._

 _When Wendy and the Shapeshifter are fighting, I briefly thought of doing an alternate scene where she flips Ford off and that's how they know it was her, but I like to keep these family friendly._


	23. Fun With Puppets

_**Author's Note: Well, this is it, the last chapter I'll post before I leave for my mission! I just want to thank you all for reading, and I hope you'll all come back in a year and a half to see me finish this story.**_

 **Chapter 23: Fun With Puppets**

After all that insanity earlier in the month, the Pines family was taking a well-deserved, much needed break. They'd gone to the pool, the minigolf course, the movies, anything Mabel could think of to help everyone relax. Ford had even re-established a regular sleeping pattern, and now he and Dipper were back to their regularly scheduled Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons game.

"My rogue-knight swings his sword in an arc," Dipper said. His character was in the middle of a battle, "And with the enchantment bonus, it does double damage to any opponent within a three-square radius!" He rolled the dice. "27! Yes!"

"Well, that's the end of the Pirate Queen!" Ford declared. "Great job using the thief's amulet to steal the enchanted sword from her!"

They both began to put away the game for the night. Dipper used the lull in conversation to posse a question that had been on his mind lately. "So, Grunkle Ford, there's a lot of writing about Bill in your Journals…"

"Dipper, it's best if you stay away from that subject." Ford said gravely, his good mood leaving in an instant.

"But I can handle it!" The boy insisted. "After everything that I've done this summer, you have to know that!"

"It's not that I don't think you can handle it." The old man assured his nephew. It was because he didn't want Dipper to think less of him. "It's because that kind of knowledge is dangerous."

"Just like knowledge about the portal is dangerous?" Dipper asked, still miffed that he couldn't go down and see what his uncle was working on.

"Exactly." Ford said. "I know not knowing is hard for you Dipper, believe me, but it's for your own protection. Terrible things can happen when you're too desperate for answers."

Dipper sighed. "OK." Maybe Ford wouldn't tell him, but there were other ways to learn than straight from his uncle's mouth.

* * *

"Hey Soos, what was in that cool briefcase you brought back from the bunker?" Dipper asked his friend the next day, acting casual.

"Heh, funny thing about that!" Soos laughed. "It wasn't a briefcase at all! It's some super-old laptop!"

Dipper's face lit up. That was perfect! There would be tons of information on there, most likely about the portal, and maybe even about Bill! "Awesome! Did you find any interesting files?"

"I dunno dude, the thing's password protected." The young mechanic said, "I already tried 'Password', 'Fixinit1' through 'Fixinit9, and even 'Sordfish' without the 'W'. It didn't fit otherwise. After that I gave up."

"Uh, you know, I'm pretty good with codes and stuff. Maybe I could figure it out." The boy offered.

"Knock yourself out, dude." Soos handed over the laptop. "Hey, I bet you could get some help from Dr. Pines. He's good at that code stuff too!"

Dipper grimaced. "Uh, nah, he's got a lot on his plate right now. I don't wanna bother him." Not to mention if Ford knew Dipper had this, he'd most likely flip out.

* * *

Ford awoke with a start from his nap, the echos of Bill's laughter still bouncing around in his head. He'd been trying to get more sleep lately, as per Mabel's instructions, but it was hard when almost every time he fell asleep he saw Bill taunting him.

 _"_ _KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, IQ!" The triangle had cackled. "YOU'LL BE ABLE TO BRING YOUR BROTHER HOME JUST IN TIME FOR MY ENDLESS REIGN OF CHAOS AND MADNESS!"_

Stanford shuddered. His nightmares of Bill had become much more frequent ever since Gideon sent the demon after the old man. Even before that, Ford remembered a handful of dreams the previous week, almost as if something had broken the wards around the house. He'd have to check on those. He'd never forgive himself if Bill did something to the kids.

Speaking of the kids, they still weren't back from their trip to the library. Dipper had dragged Mabel and a suspicious looking shoe box off earlier.

"It's just, uh, y'know, normal research stuff. Nothing to wonder about." The boy had brushed his uncle off when Ford asked what he had.

Stanford got the impression that Dipper was avoiding him. The kid was probably still upset that Ford wouldn't answer any more questions about the Portal or Bill. He knew he'd feel the same way in Dipper's place, but, he kept telling himself, it really was for the best.

Or at least he hoped it was.

* * *

When the kids came home from the library, Mabel was already in the midst of planning her latest over-the-top project. She was dead-set on creating an amazing puppet show to impress her latest crush, Gabe. Dipper, Soos, Wendy, and even Waddles had been roped into helping. Ford walked into the living room to find them all singing.

"Ah, this isn't something I need to worry about, is it?" he asked, not quite sure what was happening.

"You've just gotta roll with Mabel's craziness, Dr. Pines." Wendy said, "It's what makes life worth living."

The old scientist noticed Dipper pointedly avoiding eye contact with him. Oh great, was the boy _mad_ at him now?

"Dipper, are you alright?" Ford asked.

The boy jumped in his seat. "Oh, no, yeah, I'm fine! Just helping Mabel, not thinking about anything else, nope! Heheh, everything's normal!"

Yes, that wasn't suspicious at all. Still, it wasn't like he could _force_ Dipper to talk. Well, technically he _could_ , but Ford didn't want to do something unethical like that to his own nephew.

* * *

Dipper wasn't quite sure what time it was. Well past midnight, for sure, but he just couldn't go to sleep until he figured out the password to the laptop! It was infuriating to be this close to all the answers, and yet unable to actually learn them. Just like it was infuriating that Ford obviously had most of, if not all of these answers and yet was unwilling to tell Dipper any more.

Ford had become more than a distant relative or summer caretaker to Dipper; he'd become a close friend. Which was why it hurt to think the old man was keeping secrets from him. What's worse, Ford's excuse was always "It's too dangerous", which Dipper knew was adult code for "You're just a kid, you wouldn't understand." He hated it when adults wouldn't take him seriously.

These were the thoughts running through Dipper's mind as he absently tried password after password. With every failed entry there was an annoying buzz from the computer.

"Uhg, I can't take that sound anymore." Dipper groaned. "I." _buzz,_ "Hate." _buzz,_ "You." _buzz,_ "Sound!" _buzz._ "Uhg, there's gotta be some sort of clue, or hint, or _something_ I'm missing!"

Suddenly the wind picked up, and Dipper felt a chill run down his spine. A long, skinny shadow rolled down the face of the full moon, until it looked like a cat's eye. Dipper stood with surprise as great yellow bricks seemed to materialize out of nowhere, forming a pyramid shape around the moon. With a brief flash, the world turned greyscale, and Bill Cipher floated before him.

"Aaauh!" Dipper screamed. "You again!"

"DID YOU MISS ME?" Bill asked smugly. "ADMIT IT, YOU MISSED ME!"

"Hardly! You worked for Gideon and tried to destroy my uncle's mind!" The boy spat.

"HAH, IT WAS JUST A JOB, KID!"

Dipper didn't look convinced.

"OK, SO MAYBE IT WAS A _LITTLE_ PERSONAL, BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME AFTER WHAT THAT GUY COST ME?"

"W-what do you mean?" Dipper asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"OH, WHAT AM I THINKING, OF COURSE OL' SIXER HASN'T TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT! HE HASN'T TOLD YOU **ANYTHING** ABOUT ME!"

"How'd you know that?"

"WELL, I'VE BEEN KEEPING AN **EYE ON YOU** SINCE OUR LAST ENCOUNTER, AND I MUST SAY, I'M IMPRESSED!"

"Really?" Dipper couldn't help but be flattered, even if it was a dangerous dream demon who was saying it. He'd always done his best to impress people. But he couldn't fall for Bill's tricks! "My uncle told me you're dangerous."

"OF COURSE _HE'D_ SAY THAT. WE DIDN'T EXACTLY PART ON THE BEST OF TERMS."

The boy stared at the triangle, realization dawning over him. He shouldn't, but… this might be his only chance to find out. "What _is_ your history with Ford, anyway?"

"OH-HO-HO, YOU WANNA HEAR _MY_ SIDE OF THE STORY, EH?" Bill laughed. "YOU'D NEVER GUESS IT, BUT FORDSY AND I USED TO WORK TOGETHER. HECK, I EVEN USED TO BE HIS FRIEND! I HELPED HIM WITH A LOT OF HIS RESEARCH, AND I COULD HELP YOU." The triangle's eye started the glow blue, and blue flames appeared in its hand. "I ONLY ASK FOR A SMALL **FAVOR** IN RETURN."

Dipper looked down at the hand skeptically. "If you're such a great guy, why do I have to do you a favor before you'll help me?"

"THAT'S HOW MAGIC WORKS, KID! YOU CAN'T GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING." Bill clapped his hands and a frog with its organs on the outside appeared. "LIKE THAT! I HAD TO KILL LIKE, EIGHT SQUIRRELS TO DO THAT!"

Dipper jumped back with a yelp as the frog let out a pitiful, gurgling croak and hopped towards him. Bill clapped again and it disappeared in a spiral of slime and organs.

"I'd never make a deal with you!" Dipper said defiantly. "Don't forget who defeated you last time!"

Bill snorted. " _SNRCH_ , RIGHT, YOU 'DEFEATED' ME. WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND," the demon reached into Dipper's head and pulled out a ghostly image of his brain. "I'LL BE RIGHT HERE, READY TO MAKE A _DEAL_!

"HEY WANNA HEAR MY IMPRESSION OF YOU IN TWO SECONDS? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Dipper awoke with a start, screaming. He'd spent the entire night up on the roof. Great.

* * *

Ford got up to make breakfast, only to find Mabel already busy at work in the kitchen. She'd pulled out three different fruit-punch mixes, a bottle of Pitt Cola, a packet of Smile Dip, chocolate syrup, powdered sugar, a jar of glitter, and several small toys. Ford was dubious of how good those ingredients would taste together, and he was pretty sure those last two things weren't even edible, but Mabel had poured them all into a pitcher and was stirring away, humming one of the songs from her strange musical all the while.

"Morning Grunkle Ford!" She greeted him cheerfully as he entered.

"Good morning." He replied sleepily. It had been another restless night. "What are you doing?"

"Making Mabel Juice! It's my own secret recipe. Guaranteed to energize even the sleepiest of sleepy-heads!"

Ford didn't doubt it. That much sugar and caffeine could probably keep a normal person up for days.

"You wanna try some?" Mabel offered.

Stanford knew he probably shouldn't. It was liable to give him a heart-attack several years too early. But he couldn't say no to that face.

"I suppose I'll give it a shot."

Mabel poured him a glass. Ford watched the glitter and dinosaurs swirl around before taking a quick gulp, trying his best not to swallow too much glitter. It was sweeter than sugar frosted marshmallows, and the glitter scratched his throat as it went down. Almost as soon as it hit his stomach, he could feel his heart-rate increase. Nervous energy surged through his body; he could feel his left eye and his fingers twitching. Also, he might be hallucinating.

"I think I can see ultraviolet light now." Ford said, setting the glass down with a shaking hand.

"So you like it?"

"Uuhhhh…" Ford stammered, "Well, I certainly would have drunk this by the gallon back in my college days."

Thankfully Ford was spared from elaborating when Dipper entered the kitchen. The boy looked terrible, with dark bags under his eyes, slouching, tired posture, and a frantic glint in his eyes. He looked about like Ford had just last week.

"Are you alright?" The old man asked in concern.

"Dipper, I told you to get some sleep last night!" Mabel admonished her brother. "Here, wake up with some Mabel-Juice! It's got plastic dinosaurs in it~"

"No, I'm good, really." Dipper said with a huge yawn that said otherwise. He then grabbed Mabel and pulled her into the next room.

Ford watched them go with a frown. Something was definitely up with Dipper. Was this all because he was still upset with his uncle over a few secrets that couldn't, _shouldn't_ be shared? Whatever it was, it was obviously affecting Dipper's sleep schedule, so Ford would have to do something about that. But what?

* * *

"Mabel, I had a dream about Bill last night!"

"Wait, you mean the triangle guy?" Mabel asked, making a triangle with her fingers around her eyes for emphasis.

"Yeah, he said he'd give me the password for the laptop if I gave _him_ something!" Dipper said.

"Omigosh Dipper, you have to tell Grunkle Ford!"

"No!" the boy insisted. "If I tell him about Bill, I have to tell him about the laptop, and he'll take it away and I'll lose my chance to learn all the stuff about the portal he's not telling us! It's not like I'd actually trust Bill, right? And he's stuck in the mindscape, so he can't actually do anything to me but show up in my dreams. I've got it under control."

"Ok, if you're sure…" Mabel said uncertainly. "But hey, on the bright side, today I can help you with the laptop! I just gotta hand off my puppet show to the production crew!"

* * *

Dipper was in a state of panic. Apparently 1000 was the maximum number of incorrect passwords the laptop would allow, and now it was threatening to clear the hard-drive! He was going to lose all that information before he even got a chance to see it!

Suddenly, the world around Dipper drained of color. Bill appeared with a flash of light in the triangular part of the window.

"WELL WELL WELL, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GETTING DESPERATE!"

"I told you to leave me alone!" Dipper groaned.

"JUST TRYING TO HELP KID! BUT IF YOU WANNA DRIVE ME AWAY LIKE YOUR UNCLE DID, YOU HAVE FUN TRYING TO RESTORE THAT HARD-DRIVE BY YOURSELF."

The boy sighed in irritation. "Uhg, what crazy thing do you want anyway? My soul? My teeth? Are you gonna turn my body inside-out?"

"YEESH KID, RELAX! ALL I WANT IS A PUPPET!"

Dipper looked at the floating triangle skeptically. "A puppet? Seriously?"

"SURE! EVERYONE LOVES PUPPETS! AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A SURPLUS!"

"Yeah, but…" Dipper looked at the boxes of puppets around and thought of all the time his sister and his friends put into making them. "Everyone worked really hard on these."

"BUT WHAT'S ONE PUPPET COMPARED TO UNLOCKING ALL THE SECRETS YOU'VE BEEN SEEKING ALL THIS TIME? HECK, I'LL EVEN THROW IN THE STORY OF HOW I USED TO WORK WITH OL' SIX-FINGERS."

"But… they're Mabel's." The boy stammered, "They're not mine to give."

"OH COME ON PINE TREE," Bill rolled his eye. "YOU'VE GOTTA ADMIT, SHE OWES YOU. THINK OF ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE SACRIFICED FOR HER, AND WHEN HAS SHE EVER RETURNED THE FAVOR?"

Dipper rubbed his eyes. He was so tired, it was hard to think. He knew this was a bad idea but… he just wanted that password! He'd worked so hard to get it, he couldn't lose it all now. What harm could Bill do with a measly little puppet anyway? Mabel probably wouldn't even notice.

"TICK TOCK, KID!" Bill said impatiently, sticking out a hand to shake. It was alight with blue flames.

"Fine!" Dipper finally said, grabbing the fiery hand. "What puppet do you want?"

"I THINK I'LL TAKE… **YOU**!"

Suddenly, Dipper felt a pulling sensation. Not a physical one, more like the pulling, dropping feeling of when he looked over the edge of a very high place. And it was pulling him straight out of his body! Before he knew what was happening, Dipper was floating, and looking down on his own body, sitting in front of the window. What was happening? Was he dead!?

No, his body below him stood, but when it opened its eyes, Dipper could see something was very wrong. They were sickly yellow, with slitted pupils. Bill's eyes.

"YOU SHOULDA LISTENED TO YOUR UNCLE, KID!" Bill cackled with a sinister grin. "YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I WORKED WITH HIM? I USED HIM AS A PUPPET, JUST LIKE I'M GONNA USE YOU!" With that, Bill grabbed the laptop and threw it to the ground, then proceeded to stomp on it, crushing the casing and spewing wires and bits of microchips everywhere.

* * *

Mabel was in a rush to get to the grand opening of her Sock Opera, but she needed to do one thing before they left. Something she'd been putting off, because she knew it would bother Dipper. Oh well, he'd get over it.

She found her brother banging around in the kitchen, apparently making quite the mess.

"HeyDipperIborrowedoneoftheJournalstouseasapropintheshowIalreadyaskedFordandhesaidit'sOKI'musingyoursIhopeyoudon'tmindI'mgonnaleavebeforeyouprocessthissentencebyyyyyyeee!"

"SURE THING, SISTER!" Dipper said with a huge grin.

Well, that wasn't the reaction she'd been expecting.

"Oh… good!" She said with relief. "I'm glad you're OK with it too. I _maaaaay_ have given Grunkle Ford too much Mabel-Juice in order to convince him."

"Mabel, we need to leave now if you want to make it there in time to set up!" Ford called from the front room. They could hear his footsteps approaching.

"OH GREAT, HERE COMES THE FUN POLICE." Dipper said sarcastically. "HEY, I JUST REMEMBERED I GOTTA GO EVACUATE MY BOWELS OF FOOD WASTE OR SOME OTHER HUMAN THING. SEE YA AT THE SHOW!" He dashed out of the kitchen.

Ford entered just a few seconds later. "There you are. Where's Dipper, we need to go!"

"He said he had to go to the bathroom as soon as he heard you coming." Mabel explained.

The old scientist sighed. "I think he's mad at me. He's been avoiding me for the past few days."

"What? Dipper's not mad at you!" Mabel scoffed. "You're like his favorite person in Gravity Falls! He's just… oh, well, I promised him I wouldn't tell you, but he says he's got it under control." Mabel could practically hear Dipper yelling in her head for almost spilling his secret.

Ford sighed with irritation. "When we get back from the show, we're all going to have a long talk. But for now, we're running late. Dipper will have to ride over with Soos and Wendy."

* * *

Soos and Wendy shared a freaked out look over the top of their youngest friend's head. Dipper had been acting really weird this afternoon. He'd been giggling and talking to himself the whole way to the theater. They had quietly agreed to force the poor boy into bed to get some much-needed rest as soon as the show was over.

"HEY SOOS, WANNA KNOW THE EXACT TIME AND DATE OF YOUR DEATH?" Dipper asked as they entered the theater.

"Uh, heh, OK!" Soos said with an awkward laugh.

"Hey, there's Dr. Pines!" Wendy cut them off. "It looks like he's saving us some seats near the front."

She and Soos made their way towards their teacher, but Dipper turned the other way.

"Hey Dipper, aren't you gonna come sit with us?" Wendy asked.

"NO CAN DO, TOOTS! I'M GONNA GO HELP MABEL OUT WITH THE SHOW." Dipper said with a too-wide grin. He slinked off to the stage, pointedly looking away from Ford.

Wendy and Soos merely shrugged, and made their way down to their seats. Not long after taking their seats, Mabel came by to see them.

"Hey, you made it!" She said cheerfully.

"I wouldn't miss it!" Ford assured her.

"Yeah, this seems like it'll be fun." Wendy agreed.

"I love musicals!" Soos agreed.

"Where's Dip?" the girl asked.

"He said he'd be helping you with the play." Ford explained. That was odd, that he hadn't talked with her about helping. The two of them were usually quite good at communicating.

"Oh well, I must have missed him backstage." Mabel shrugged.

* * *

Mabel had located the Journal while Dipper handled the last half of the play. She was looking through the book to find something to help Dipper get his body back when something started pulling the cake prop back up. She looked up to find Bill standing over her, parading around in her brother's body.

"Bill Dipper!" She exclaimed, "Bipper!"

"SHH!" Bipper shushed her. "Y'DON'T WANNA RUIN THE SHOW…" He let loose a little slack in the rope. "WOOPS! IT'S SLIPPING! HOW'S ABOUT YOU HAND OVER THAT BOOK?"

"No way, this is Grunkle Ford's, I'd never give it away!" She said defiantly.

"OH, SURE, KEEP IT SAFE FOR THE GUY WHO CLEARLY FAVORS YOUR BROTHER!" Bipper laughed quietly. "ISN'T THAT WHY YOU TAKE HIS THINGS AND DITCH HIM WHEN HE NEEDS YOU? 'CUZ YOU'RE JEALOUS?" His face contorted into a vicious scowl. "NOW COME TO YOUR SENSES AND GIVE ME THAT JOURNAL, OR I'LL RUIN YOUR PRECIOUS PLAY."

Mabel sighed, and started to hand over the Journal in defeat.

"THERE WE GO!" Bipper smirked in triumph. "I MEAN, WHO'D EVER SACRIFICE EVERYTHING THEY'VE WORKED FOR JUST FOR THEIR DUMB RELATIVES?"

Mabel paused, her hands still gripping the Journal. She knew a guy. "Dipper would!" And with that, she yanked away the book, dragging Bipper with it. He tumbled into the cake prop and the whole thing came crashing down onto the stage. It was a good thing Dipper was incorporeal at the time, or he would have been crushed.

* * *

Ford was enjoying the play, although the plot was a little hard to follow. He smiled when the voices obviously changed after the intermission. It sounded like Dipper really was helping after all. Maybe the reason Dipper had been acting strange was because he was busy and tired helping out with the show. Maybe he was just being overly paranoid, and there was nothing to worry about.

Then a cardboard wedding cake came crashing down on top of the stage. Mabel and Dipper tumbled out, fighting over one of his Journals.

"Get out of my brother's body, you evil triangle!" Mabel cried.

Nope, unbridled paranoia wins again. Ford immediately sprung out of his chair, climbing over the people in the row in front of him to get to the stage. In a matter of seconds he was up on the stage and tackled Bipper to the ground.

"OHOHOHO, WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A RESPONSIBLE CARETAKER BRAINIAC, TACKLING A KID! I'M SURE THE AUTHORITIES WON'T COME AFTER YOU FOR THAT!" Bipper mocked.

"Cipher," Ford growled, "you get out of him this instant, or I'll-"

"OR YOU'LL _WHAT_ , GENIUS?" the demon asked with a cruel grin. "I'M A BEING OF PURE ENERGY, WITH NO WEAKNESSES! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!"

"Maybe," Mabel interrupted, "but you're in my _brother's_ body, and I know all of _his_ weaknesses!" She immediately reached under his armpits and began wiggling her fingers. "Tickle monster!"

"AUGH!" Bipper exclaimed, writhing under her assault, "BODY SPASMS! WHAT IS THIS!?"

Ford picked up on what she was doing immediately and joined in, going for the possessed boy's stomach.

"AHAHAAAAAH! NO FAIR, HE'S GOT EXTRA APPENDAGES TO TORTURE WITH!"

Mabel looked up at her uncle. "Thanks for the help Grunkle Ford, now let him up!"

"Mabel, are you crazy!?" The old man stared at her.

"Trust me!" she insisted, looking up at him with those eyes that he just couldn't say no to. He carefully stepped back from Bipper's struggling form.

Mabel held the Journal out like bait, and Bill chased after it, but Mabel was faster than her brother even on a good day. With Dipper's body in the condition it was now, he could barely stagger after her. After just a single lap around the stage, the possessed boy tripped over his own feet and collapsed to the ground in an exhausted heap. He didn't stir for a few seconds. Mabel and Ford crept over to check on him cautiously. Slowly, the boy sat up.

"Yes! I'm in my own body again!" Dipper cheered. "Ow, hey, Grunkle Ford, what're you-" The boy protested as Ford grabbed his head and checked his eyes carefully. Not a trace of yellow.

"Oh thank goodness!" The old man whispered, pulling his nephew into a tight hug.

His celebrating was interrupted by the sound of Bill's laughter. The demon had possessed one the puppets (the one that looked like Dipper, appropriately enough) and was crawling towards them. Ford pushed both of the kids behind him protectively.

"THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'LL HEAR OF ME!" Bill threatened, "BIG THINGS ARE COMING! YOU CAN'T CONTAIN IT!"

Ford paled. Bill was talking about his plans to seal the rift, he knew it.

"I'm sorry Gabe." Mabel muttered, pressing a button and launching off all the fireworks in the box Bill had been laying on, blowing the demon's vessel up. Rockets fired through the air, narrowly missing several members of the audience and not quite missing several more. When the smoke cleared the entire set was in flames and the scaffolding had crashed down behind them.

"Don't worry guys," Mabel reassured them, "I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and _loves_ it!"

* * *

The audience didn't love it. Several people demanded refunds, despite the fact that Mabel hadn't charged for tickets. Gabe in particular had called it a mockery of his art form, but considering he then proceeded to make out with his own puppets, everyone agreed this was for the best. Dipper was in poor condition, so Ford took him to the hospital. There, Mabel apologized for worrying more about impressing some random guy than helping her own brother, Dipper apologized to Ford for keeping the laptop a secret, and Ford apologized for not taking action as soon as he noticed Dipper was acting oddly. (And also for dislocating Dipper's wrist when he tackled Bipper to the ground)

"I should have taken steps to protect you both from Bill as soon as he returned to my dreams." Ford said, his head hung in shame. "But I'd thought, since it was Gideon who'd summoned him, he would have left with the brat too. I'm such an idiot! Now he's hurt both of you, and it's all my fault!"

"It's not your fault Grunkle Ford." Dipper reassured him. "I'm the one who wanted answers so badly that I made a deal with him, even after everything he'd done and everything you'd said about him."

Ford gave his nephew a sympathetic look. "You're not the only one who's fallen for Bill's tricks."

Dipper looked carefully at his uncle. "Bill said he used you as a puppet before, like he used me." He said slowly, "What did he make you do?"

Ford looked at the two children sitting before him. They were too tired for the full story tonight, but it seemed whether he liked it or not, he'd have to tell them the whole thing soon. "Well, long story short, that's how I came to build the portal."

Mabel looked at him in shock. "And that's why you're so scared to activate it?"

Ford nodded sadly.

That night, they all slept in a pile of blankets and cushions on the living room floor. Ford needed to be sure they were there with him, needed to be sure they were safe. As soon as he got the chance, he was going to Bill-proof this house, no matter what it took.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: This was a fun one, and actually on the short side for once.**_

 _ **Bill goes out of his way to avoid Ford because he knows the old scientist would recognize him right away.**_


End file.
